Spouses of Bipolar in Active Relationships

This is a topic that all of us who have loved ones that have bipolar disorder squirm about. We don't want to involve the police! We know that our loved ones will be MUCH better off (almost always) going a medical route--checking themselves into a hospital, getting put in a psych ward, being safe from self-harm and accidentally (in a mania) harming others.

But my husband and I have been discussing what I read on here (not just our group but other groups about bipolar disorder)--he asks about yall every day, by the way--"How were the bipolar boards?" is the normal question. He will remember every crisis story I tell him. He is much more "Kick the SOB/Beyotch out of your house" than I am!! It is funny how less tolerant of untreated bipolar he is than I am.

So, here are the hubster's and my agreed on "when to call the cops":

1. If you feel your kids' or your own life are in danger. This should go without saying. But some people are too willing to say "Well, my spouse has a mental illness"--yes. But if someone threatens your life, indirectly or directly, call 911 and let the system sort it out later.

2. If your loved one is putting holes in walls, breaking your things, call the cops.

3. If your bipolar loved one makes suicide threats. Err on the side of caution. If you don't believe me, look up the suicide rates for people diagnosed with BP disorder.

4. If your bipolar loved one is acting strange. If they are all of a sudden hearing voices, getting messages from God, those sorts of things.

If you arm yourself by reading up on bipolar disorder first, then if you have to make the 911 call, you will know what to say.

But do NOT be afraid to call 911 even if it turns out to be a false alarm.

Thanks for the info marriedtoit and hubster!!!! I've never called 911, probably should have had my husband hospitalized when I took that loaded shotgun out of his hand. He wouldn't let me take him, though....could have called the police, but didn't know I could or that I should. I know it sounds wierd that I wouldn't know what to do, but he hadn't been diagnosed, was unmedicated and it was my first time of dealing with this sort of thing.

It took me a loooong time to call the police on my husband. About 3 years of diagnosed bp, yet unstable abuse. But I think the fact that I started making him accountable for his behavior, THAT'S when he began to realize that this doesn't work and it had to stop. He pretty much knows that if he breaks anything, he's going to jail. I'm hoping he will "get it" and work on his rage in therapy so he never gets to that point again.

Why did it take me 3 years? I didn't want him to get in trouble! I was protecting him! I was taking care of him while he was terrorizing me! I learned lot from mdj and I credit the people from the group I was in at the time for helping me to know that this had to stop and I was the one who was letting it happen. When I finally did call 911, I did it with a calmness that surprised myself. I just knew it had to be done. And now that he is balanced, he now knows it had to be done, too.

I think it is natural that we don't want to call the cops on our loved ones! But my husband once told me that he wished I had called 911 when he was clearly psychotic. The story: he was not, technically, a danger to himself or others...he was not violent or raging. He was calmly declaring that God was talking to him and God told him to give out hundred dollar bills to passersby in a major city near us. What subsequently happened? Hubby got us into deep deep debt. He almost lost his driver's license. He got arrested for disturbing the peace on a three day weekend and instead of jail, they put him in a state prison psych ward.

If I had called 911, emphasizing that he was psychotic and bipolar, they would have taken him to a psych ward, not a jail.

Knowing what I know now? You bet I would dial 911. And if the officers were reluctant to pick him up because he didn't fit "danger to himself or others" criteria? I would stress that if he is getting divine messages, he could get a divine message tomorrow that was homicidal or suicidal. A psychotic person IS, by definition, a danger to themselves and others.

Heck, knowing what I know now? I might stretch the truth to get him committed. The point is to get him help when he is not able to take care of himself.

I don't need to lie, by the way. My husband has a health care proxy. I would encourage all of you to look into this. The proxy enables me to make his decisions for him should he be unable to competently do that for himself. It does NOT take his will from him. If I committed him and he was stable, he can get a hearing in 72 hours, where the doctors in the psych ward can testify to his condition. I would never DO that, second of all. Third, if I did? I imagine that it would end our marriage. I would have betrayed his trust. (Can you tell we talked through all the possible reasons NOT to do this before we did it?) Look into a health care proxy, spouses.

Post edited by: marriedtoit, at: 11/02/2011 09:14 PM

I agree with Married about the health care proxy. I didn't know what it was called until I looked it up. But that is in essence what my BPSO did for me. It doesn't have to be fancy. From jail he wrote a letter saying he authorizes me to make any and all decisions for him regarding health issues (and other things we were dealing with at the time) and had it notorized in jail. We also discussed all of the optional outcomes and he was worried that I would have him committed out of spite. I would never do that but a BP mind can be paranoid. It did give me the peace of mind that I needed in order to get him out of jail, I needed to know that he was going to the hospital, whether he tried to back out or not. He didn't so thankfully I didn't have to use it to have him admitted but they did keep a copy of it and consulted me in his treatment. That was very helpful since we aren't married some medical professionals have tried to stonewall me but that piece of paper tells them that they have to talk to me. Also first thing he does when he goes somewhere new is sign a release of information so they can share info with me.

Hmmmm..... it took me a good 10 years of off and on violence to call the police. And yes, as someone on here said... I was allowing this to happen. It is ludicrous. You don't want to call the police on your loved one, and also you don't want the kids to see the police come to your door. But, I couldn't cover it up anymore, and all I can say is.. I should have done it alot sooner. It does show them that "you're in trouble" and if ya do it again.. you will go to jail. He hasn't smashed anything or shown violence towards me since. He has to keep it in check. I too say... tough consequences for you now... and you will "get it" as it was put on here also. Bipolar or not......

Different scenario.... I have called 911 one time. My husband had been put on Zyprexa and one night in October, 2009 he started walking around in the house like he wasn't quite sure where he was going. It was midnight and I was asleep. When I woke up from lights being turned on and off, I asked him what was going on. He could not put a sentence together. I could tell that he knew what he wanted to say, but the words came out jumbled. He started hitting himself in the head and finally said "help me, please" although it came out "hep me peeze". I prayed for about what seemed to be an hour. I asked God what to do and then all of a sudden, my husband punched a hole in our bedroom wall. I called 911 and they could not understand what I meant when I said that he was bipolar and was manic. It is such a shame that I had to explain bipolar to this dispatcher. About an hour later, about 10 cops and 10 medics showed up. They actually asked me what they should do. I don't think this is what you guys were aiming at, but I believe that is one of the hardest decisions I ever made and I felt so helpless.

You definitely did the right thing. It is sad that they didn't know how to help him. The medical personnel should have definitely known how to deal with someone who was having a bad reaction to meds. The police should have known how to protect him from himself. Sometimes I just don't know. Hopefully, after that episode, they had a talk about it and got educated as to how to handle a situation like that. I can't believe they hadn't seen something like that before. The cops here said they deal with a bipolar incident about 2-3x/week. Practice makes perfect!

And Wife did something that I think is great--she wrote the officers who dealt with her husband last time she had to call 911 and thanked them for their professionalism and compassion. (Hope you don't mind me sharing this story again, Wife.)

If medical personnel or police do a great job, let's reinforce that and help encourage educated views about mental illness!

I agree, marriedtoit. Sometimes we don't handle things the way it needs to be handled because we are afraid or something new to us and we don't know how our spouse will respond. Oh well. If they are being abusive to other people or endangering themselves....it's time to call for help.