Spouses of Bipolar in Active Relationships

It has been 2 weeks now sense my mother passed and my hubby was there for me a total two days during all of this. I guess he thinks the day after I buried her I am supposed to be ok.

I asked him over a week ago, the last time I posted here to call me when he got home from work. I told him I wanted to talk to him about a few things. I was going to ask him to go back to counseling with me. He never called, he has seen our son a couple of times but he has been arrogant and cocky both times. So I did not push, I let him know that because Easter is Sunday he would not be getting the boys. With my mother not being here I am not ok with spending the holiday alone just yet, I did tell him he could come over for dinner if he wanted and he told me he was not sure. I asked him again yesterday when he called if he wanted to come for dinner, he said he is not sure . So whatever, he can spend it alone, if he wants, I just felt bad about doing that. I know he is still not doing ok, I asked him the other day if he was feeling ok he said no he is a mess . I asked was he sick he said no he is just psychologically messed up. Why does he have to be so stubborn, he knows they can help him yet he does nothing. He keeps saying if it gets too bad he will, well what is it going to take, it's so selfish of him. To put all of us through this cause he does not think it is bad enough.

Our oldest has not been going over there for a few weeks now. He is not mad at his dad but says he does not like going over there or being around him when he is like that, so the other day he comes to get our youngest and I asked him how he felt about our oldest going to NY for spring break with his aunt. He says well I don't really care about him anymore, seeing how he does not ever want to come over. Of course he did not mean it, he thinks he is parenting saying that, like he is teaching my son a lesson. I snapped at him for it and told him he could take our youngest and leave.

I decided today that I was going to move on without him. I went and applied for medical from the state for the boys. I had been holding off on it because I know they will go after him for child support, but I just decided today that it is time to move on and stop worrying about what he is doing. I really feel like this is a big step for me. I hope things get better. Maybe this is what he needs a good kick in the butt and if not then oh well at least I am doing what is best for me and the boys.

Still sad but doing ok

I think for now, you are making the right decision by showing him you are moving on. You and the boys should be number 1 right now, you have been more than patient with everything, and he obviously needs to hit bottom, maybe this will be his bottom. As soon as I stopped sending J $ for support, he ran out $, hit bottom and had to reach up for help. Maybe if they go after him for support $, he will hit financial bottom and want to reach up too!

I don't blame you for not wanting to be alone for Easter, and you shouldn't have to be. He left the family, you didn't leave him, and when it came to visiting for my boys, I told J, I wasn't going to make them do anything they didn't want to re visits because they needed to be in their home where they feel secure, so I am glad you are doing the same. You are correct, HE IS STUBBORN!

I am so proud of you for handling things the way you are, I know you will prevail one way or another, SO GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!

( ( ( ( ( Enough) ) ) ) )

(((hugs))) I know you've been at this a long time. I'm so sorry it's come to this. I second what hopefulcb said.

I am so saddened to see that his brief spurt of being there for you was so brief. And I agree that it is time for you to do the best for you and your children. It is telling that your oldest doesn't want to spend time with him. And what a MATURE response there from your husband!!!! OMG, that just makes me wanna slap him.

Right after losing your mom is NO time for you to spend Easter alone.

On a lighter note, if you feel like sharing, what is on the menu?

((((((enough))))))))I am so glad you have taken steps to move on. He has jerked you around so much and you have been so understanding and compassionate only to come up empty-handed. Since you have been dealing with everything without him already for a long time, you are really prepared to do this on your own. You have your boys and although it isn't the same as having a husband, it's family, and that's what you need right now, especially after the loss of your mom so recently. Don't feel bad or guilty about Easter, you need the comfort of your boys and with comments like the one he made about your older one, he really shouldn't be around him, in my opinion. That is damaging, I hope he didn't hear him say that. I'm glad you updated us, I've been wondering how you've been since the loss of your mom. Are you ok? I hope you have other family or close friends around who can give you a real hug and be there for you. Take care.

Thanks ladies I am feeling stronger today.

Married thanks for asking about the menu. Not sure if you remember I am a bit challenged in the kitchen, hubby did the cooking for us. Some ideas of sides would be great, I know you guys are such a wonderful cooks and all the fun we had at Thanksgiving with recipes. I am buying a honey baked ham. My mom bought one every year, so it seems fitting . One year I would love to make a rack of lamb. Hubby loves lamb. Maybe next year.

I think you are doing extremely well enoughalready, seeing as how your mom just died 2 weeks ago. (((HUGS))) You are being the best mom to your kids by watching out for their best interest. I agree with everyone else on here, I feel you have been exceptionally patient, understanding, and willing to work through things with your hubby. He has continuously balked at anything you tried to do for reconciling your relationship. No one will ever be able to say you didn't try to make things work. I know you love your hubby and that is what makes your decision to get on with your life even harder. My counselor told me that sometimes even though we try to encourage our loved ones with bipolar to do the right things, they will pull away from us and insist on striking out on their own, no matter what the cost to their relationship with their family. Even if they've been together for years. Then many times the one with bipolar will come back crying and saying what a mistake they made, only to find that their spouse has decided to finally move on in their life, because the pain was too much for them. Please know that whatever you decide we will be behind you and please keep us posted because we've come to know and enjoy your friendship on here. Also, you have given me alot of encouragement on a personal level!!! Love you Enough. (((HUGS))))

Oh, and I always make a cake. This is very easy, enough. You can just use a boxed cakemix and store bought frosting, if you want to. Usually, I just make a chocolate cake and use white frosting that I color green. Then I put some coconut in a bowl with some drops of green food coloring and turn it green like grass. (If you don't like coconut, you can leave it off) I completely cover the cake with the green coconut and then stand a little chocolate bunny on top with some colorful jellybeans all around on the top of the cake. It is so cute. When you cut the cake pieces, you can see the dirt, with the grass on top, with the bunny and the eggs!!!! Have a great Easter!!!!! God loves you!

Post edited by: lollipop, at: 04/22/2011 01:34 AM

Ok, I think I am going to rant and cry and through a fit.

Hubby told me yesterday on the phone he got off work at 4 and had a few days off. I also told him I was going to my sisters to go through my moms things and that I wanted to spend some time with my son and that we would call when we were done. At this point he was still invited to dinner tomorrow.

I left the house in a rush this morning and forgot my phone. He called at 5:00 saying I am home so could someone call me back, 5:20 he calls again, sounding angry he says I am going to new york to visit my dad and I want monkey to come with me. ( I already told him the kids were going to be here with me for easter. 5:40 he calls and says I dont know why your ignoring me, I am really mad, I am getting the money from my dad to file for divorce this is such bullship. You could at least call me and tell me where my kid is. I am filing for custody so you better get a good lawyer. Dont call me well I am on my vacation I wont be answering the phone.

My youngest is in tears at this point. I did not let him hear all of the last message but he heard enough to know he was being left behind and he would have loved to have gone, not that I would have let him.

I get upset and worried about him, so I call his dad and ask him if he has heard from him and he says no, so then I ask to talk to his sister in law who is already in New York visiting hubby's dad and ask her and she says yea he called and said he is on his way that he cant get a hold of me to bring monkey. I could tell she was trying not to talk to me so I get off the phone and just let her know he was flipping out, I could tell she had that attitude like its all me, so what ever.

I hate this illness!!

Enough, it sounds like he is not just hypomanic. It sounds like he is manic.

First off, the impulsive "going to New York and taking Monkey" idea. Very manic. A rational person knows, during a separation, that he cannot just up and take a child somewhere at the last minute.

Second, his irrational impatience. Within 20 minutes he was angry that noone was answering the phone (how special he is to need immediate responses! I understand because my husband is that way when he is unstable too!)

Third, the rapidly escalating rage. He went from calling to filing for divorce and custody in 40 minutes. And I bet he was calling you nasty names in that message?

(By the way: if he ever does file for divorce and custody? You need to get your lawyer to insure he gets some psych testing before he is alone with the kids. But that is fora another discussion...)

What is this sister-in-law's problem? How could she EVER think it is all you? Hasn't your husband lost several jobs and done a bunch of really suspect stuff? Is his family denying he has a mental illness?

OMG. I forgot something really important!

{{{{{{Enough}}}}}} and I hope that you can set this to the backburner in your mind and still have a wonderful Easter.