Spouses of Bipolar in Active Relationships

This thread is dedicated to the people on our forum that have bipolar disorder. We appreciate each of you, so much! Many times, I have wondered what my husband thinks of his own illness. He doesn't express himself well. He never has been much of a talker, but I sometimes think I could be more understanding, thoughtful and helpful if I knew deep down how his disorder has made him feel emotionally (outside of the mania or depression)...his opinion of himself and how he viewed himself before and after. I love him so much. I think it means alot to be able to understand the heartfelt emotions of people who know this disorder the best---from the inside, looking out at others. Please help us. We are listening.

If any of you don't mind, can you:

1) Share about how bipolar disorder has affected your life and how you personally view yourself before and after diagnosis--

2) What you really wish people knew about how to best help and show support to you, whether it be family members, friends, or co-workers--

Post edited by: lollipop, at: 04/15/2011 10:05 AM

It's hard to tell what one person feels as compared to another. I can tell you how I feel deep down but that won't mean that is exactly how he will feel. I will give you a clue as to part of how he may feel but not exactly.

Before being diagnosised I had mixed feeling most of the time. I went from blaming my husband for every little thing to begging him not to leave me. I ended up divorcing him. Something I truly regret. But life goes on and you accept things.

After being diagnosised I have apologised to most of my family but still feel the guilt. I have lost most friends. I feel like most people who know about my BP look at me different and treat me different. I hate that it gets harder and harder to go to work and if I'll have to stop working at some point.

The thing is for all I feel it has to be 100 times worse for him because he is a man. The drugs we take have all kinds of side effects. It bothers men alot more than women. Not to mention most men have a much harder time talking than women.

Maybe you should consider trying to get him to go to some counseling that you can both go to together. It may help him talk to you. Like I said how I feel and he feels could be completely different. There are a million more things I feel but it would make this a book.

Counseling would be a great thing. Try getting him to go.

Thank you afmom! I appreciate your response and it does me so much good just hearing the stories each person can relate about themselves. My husband does have a hard time relaying his thoughts to people and you are right about the fact that some men have a more difficult time sharing their deep thoughts and feelings. My husband is very faithful to go to his pdoc appointments and compliance with his meds, but is resistant to any other counseling or therapy. I think it worries him to have to ask off work any more than he already has to. Thank you for sharing about yourself. I think it helps us to hear how each of you feel, as well. Thanks so much again for opening up to us.

Hey Lolli, I think its great that you want to understant better. Research is key to understanding and first hand information is equally important. My husband never accepted my diagnosis...i still dont know if he has accepted it but after i had a full manic episode...i had to. I think deep down he knows the diagnosis is right but doesnt want to accept something there's no cure for. We hold fast to God and his word and know he will one day heal me.

Before diagnosis and before it was so bad i needed help, I just thought everything was fine. I just had a lot of issues with trust because of being "betrayed" in the past. I had depression since i was 13 and became suicidal at that age and started cutting. I had no idea why and saught help and was diagnosed as clinically depressed. Please note that i also have borderline personality disorder and b/t the bipolar and all the other "crap" ive been diagnosed with it all kinda runs together. I firmly believe since the diagnosis that ive had bipolar since i was atleast 15...explains the short bout of excess drinking and depression, extream high and lows and borderline since who knows when. It just wasnt bad enough for me to seem any diff than anyone else. I held everything in. Didnt let myself cry and when i did it was like a flood. Ive always been self destructive. Its always something...over eating for comfort, undereating to be thin, cutting, drinking for about 4mths, or simply beating myself up over every little mistake i made. A lot of this is borderline but they tie into each other in symptoms is guess. Its often hard for me to tell what symptom is what.

I didnt need help till after i had my son. Started with epilepsy and worked into mental issues. I had a breakdown in 06 that really set things off. I never realized i was bp because my depression was so bad so i didnt realize when the hypomania started. Just thought i felt better. I wanted to spend money bad. Ive always been an overachiever so didnt notice the increase in ocd either. I was sent to Mayo in 06 for a second opinion for seizures and a psych workup and was told i was bipolar II with mixed episodes...again, things had gotten bad at this pt. When medicated things are managable but ive yet to be stable completely. While i was unmedicated, i became manic. I questioned who i was spiritually, physically, everything that can be questioned..i did. Almost ruined my life due to bad choices but because of my relationship with God, there was always that voice in the back of my head making me slow down and think for a second before i acted. Things still arent stable so im waiting for Gods healing hand. I don't share my illnesses with anyone because of the sterotypes. I have a 4yr degree in social psychology so for the longes i felt so stupid that i couldnt fix myself or see things as they are but now i realize that never being sick before or either always being that way made me unable to see and i couldnt figure out what was wrong cause i had so much goin on at once. I also didnt know about the mixed episodes and how much everyone was so differently affected by this disease. Now im aware of what "phase" im in and how it affects me. Im very self aware (this takes practice and work) and very proactive in my recovery...and sanity. I know that i might have to forever take medication and know relaps is inevitable if i come off my meds. Im not as bad as some other though and have experience in weining on and off meds responsibly. I get help if i need it too. I take all decisions to God when deciding when to come off meds and only do it under God's leading. I also keep open communication with my husband and let him know how im doing and if im coming off any medication or going back on any so we can deal with it together and with any withdrawl symptoms.

Your spouse is lucky you care so much. My husband just wants me better. He sees how unhappy being sick makes me and wants it gone but with my fibro...he wont even read up on it to understand. Says he doesnt want to understand just wants to make it go away.

I feel ashamed of my bipolar, only because of the stigma everyone else attaches to it. Everyone thinks bipolar means crazy and it doesnt. Yes...it makes the person feel like they are going crazy from the ups and downs..lol. but the hardest part is feeling like you are so fake. You cant tell anyone, have to smile when you are sad or angry, act like you are well when you arent and pretend everythings fine. You feel like you live a double life. No one understands. Its depressing and lonely but im glad my husbands understanding. Open communication is key. Its hard for him i think when im so irritable for no reason. Its one of the worst things i deal with. Hope this helps. Sorry to ramble. The weight loss meds have me hyper and im a little manic too. Fast talking and rambling is common during mania...which sucks for someone who already talks alot...lol

Thank you for sharing your story Foreverchanging! Don't worry about having a long post, just getting it all out there for us is so meaningful and very welcome! I was very touched by the part where you explained "...the hardest part is feeling you are so fake. You can't tell anyone, have to smile when you are sad or angry, act like you are well when you aren't, and pretend everything's fine." I can't tell you how much that helps me to understand the frustration my husband must feel, at times. Thank you so much!

Thank you for sharing your stories - it does help understand and empathize with our partners better. I admire you for getting help and sticking with it. That takes courage.

I was symptomatic at a very young age (6/7) after a very stressful period in my life, so there was no shock of a sudden onset. I grew up thinking the way I felt was (relatively) normal. My inability to control myself as well as my tendency towards morbidity really isolated me from other kids. I had almost no close interpersonal relationships at school until I got closer to puberty, when most of the kids around me could relate to that whole emotional instability thing I had been living with my whole life. I went from the really weird outcast kid to the incredibly funny, likable kid with completely boundary less comedy.

Honestly, the only symptom that bothered me growing up was the temper issues. The highs were amazing and the lows self indulgent. I hated getting angry because it reminded me of my Father. It’s also tremendously embarrassing not being able to keep cool over mundane things. The depression got awful towards the end of HS; culminating in self harm, drug and alcohol abuse and multiple suicide attempts. After failing out my first semester of college I went home and just decided to get better (without medication). I did mostly pretty well for the next couple of years until in my mid 20s mania started becoming a really serious issue. The worse it got, the more and more I felt like I had grown up to be an awful person. I felt miserable about myself, my inability to control how I felt, the pain I was causing my ex-wife and the fact that I could not keep things together at school regardless of how important it was to me to do so.

After my diagnosis I initially felt worse. I felt like not only was I struggling, but now to get better I’d have to give up so much of myself. I’d have to live as a doped up zombie without any passion or creativity. My refusal to get treatment was the final nail in my marriage’s coffin, but even that didn’t get me running to a pdoc. I had my first full blown manic episode the next spring, and it was horrifying beyond words. After that I went right to a dr and it’s been a little over a year since I’ve been taking meds/taking better care of myself.

The fog started clearing and I was amazed at the change. I started dropping weight since I had the energy to pull myself off the couch and start exercising, I felt a cause-effect relationship between things around me and how I felt (you’d be amazed at how important that is, and how foreign a feeling it was to me). My self-image improved dramatically and I started to see how much the disease had been influencing my behavior.

I still am not sure what I need in terms of support, other than just understanding. It’s really hard to explain to someone how you just take off or crash for no reason and there isn’t really much someone can do for you in the short term. It can be nice having someone to hold or be close to but it only goes so far. One thing I know I need is respecting my need for some kind of schedule. There was a long period of time where I was not allowed to go to be too early or wake up at a different time than my ex (wish I was making that up). Not getting enough sleep is a serious, serious issue. The willingness to be nonconfrontational when we need space is also very important, it can be impossible to react rationally or without saying something hurtful sometimes.

So, thank you for reading my dissertation, hopefully it was informative to you.

I was a promising kid. Now I am an adult who has never quite reached his potential, but I keep at it.

I wish friends and relatives knew not to stress the hell out of us. I wish they would swear off invalidating remarks and double their effort on validating remarks.

I wish they would learn the essentials of the disorder, even if I have to spend an afternoon with them teaching.

I have had to banish some relatives who just didn't get it. It was very painful. Instead of sulking they should learn the basics and ask for another chance.

Thank you Soren! Your words are extremely helpful. Sleep is an important issue in maintaining stability and it helps me to see that it can be a serious issue, pretty much across the board for everyone. This is a commonality. I am going to try to be more understanding of my husband's need for sleep and try not to force him to get up when he is having a rough day, etc. His pdoc told me to encourage him toward healthy lifestyles and so at times I do push him. I'm going to try and back off sometimes and start doing other things while he needs his personal space. Thanks for sharing!

Thank you Sparky for your keen insight, as well! Alot of people on our forum have had many problems with some relatives or friends adding to the difficulties of bipolar disorder by volunteering their caustic opinions and essentially not rendering any hope for us to make it in our relationships. Thanks again for helping us to see what we may be able to do to lighten or help bear the load for our loved ones with bipolar. Take care.

Post edited by: lollipop, at: 04/15/2011 01:13 PM