Spouses of Bipolar in Active Relationships

Ok so my boyfriend just started a new job today just down the street. Anyway, on his lunch break today he brought home a girl. Yes..a girl.

He brought her because he said they were gonna smoke a joint together..and they did. She was nice to me. She was pretty but not his type at all..she was very tall and big boned. I know he's probably not interested in her..but Im still a little offended.

He came through the door and was like "WHATS UP?" he seemed very accelerated. I guess im just a little worried that he's getting manic or something. And he made plans to smoke a joint again AFTER work. Smoking weed is something he does every single day and im sure he just wanted to smoke it with someone but didnt he even THINK about my feelings?!

I was so fuming mad when he brought her through the door..but I kept my cool...i pretended like it didnt bother me in front of HER...but whenever I could catch his eyes I would give him a dirty look so he would know I was upset. He went to kiss me on his way out the door and i pulled away.

Maybe this whole thing is a little childish..but im just a little offended. And I KNOW if i brought home a guy from work that he would be SO mad.

What should I do here? im kinda feeling like the relationship isn't doing so well..and by the looks of it, he doesnt really care too much.

I was thinking about renting a room from someone close by in the city. I just think maybe it's for the best. :'(

very uncool, blonde. That was a slap in the face. I think you would be wise to move. Smoking pot is such a bad idea (is he even on meds?). And smoking at lunch and going back to work? How long do you predict he'll have that job? I know you have been struggling with him for so long and it just doesn't look like he is really committed to being stable or being respectful to you.(or honest!) I'm so sorry that this happened, it's just another incident that tells you where he's at.

I agree with wife on this one. That's not cool at all! I would be upset too and I probably wouldn't have handled it as gracefully as you did. So koodos to you for keeping your cool. I'm praying for you. You do whatever is best for YOU!! {{{{{{{{blonde}}}}}}}

He is on meds..hes taking lithium and so far they've been working SO well...but he has a history of not staying stable for very long. I dunno what to do. For awhile there he was doing so good that I thought he may have even been misdiagnosed.

It WAS a slap in the face. Also a wake up call. Im living in an apartment with HIS friends right now..and if we broke up I would have nowhere to live. My life is so invested in him. All of my friends are friends of HIS. So im sure if we broke up then i'd be left without friends too.

Hes coming home in 15 minutes and I dont know what im going to do or say. Im sure it will get turned around on me and I will be the one "in trouble". Ugh...Im so sick of this. Im just gonna see how he reacts when he gets here. I would accept a genuine apology..but something tells me Im not gonna get that.

Blonde, don't forget your boundaries. Bringing another woman home to smoke weed is not ok, doing it behind your back (at least that was the intention, right) is not ok. If he turns it around on you, that is not ok.

If you aren't breaking up with him, I think he needs a reminder of what you won't tolerate and what is not ok. If you are feeling vulnerable about your life depending on him, maybe you should find small ways to change that to protect yourself in the event that you do break up. I did the same thing when I felt like my marriage was ending.

Be strong! You really deserve respect and this is not it.

Question, was he smoking pot when he was so stable you wondered if he had been misdiagnosed? Just curious.

Blonde. I am going to talk to you like you were my daughter now.

Your insecurity is all over your post. She is pretty but not his type. Big boned and tall, but he is probably not interested.

Why are you even worried about this? My guess is that he is giving you reason to be worried. That he is leaving you feeling insecure in this relationship.

And I agree with Wife, something here is not adding up. He might not be telling you the truth. He was taking lithium and was doing so well you thought he might be misdiagnosed...but he was on lithium, which would explain why he was doing well and would confirm his diagnosis of BP. And was he smoking pot with the lithium? Did his pdoc know?

And I agree with Wife about another thing--what kind of job does he have that it is okay to get high on his lunch break??? Unless he works at Empire Records (a movie reference--but a place where stoners could work) or a family owned business where he will never get drug tested, that seems like the way to lose a job.

What happened? I thought you were going to set your boundaries and take it slow in trusting him again and that you were going to be less dependent on him?

I think getting some independence from him would be a great idea. He sounds irresponsible and immature. It sounds like you have given up your whole life to him and you are TOO young and smart and good to do that!

That is crazy - you have a right to be upset about that. I would say move out,,, or bring a guy home to have a soda with (or beer or whatever) and see what HE thinks of that ...

That is just disrespectful of him and you deserve better.

Blonde, I've held off writing on this post, because I wanted to see what your boyfriend had to say later in the day when he got back home from work. What did he say? How did you feel about it after discussing things with him further?

I, too, am in agreement with everyone else here that you need to make preparations for yourself, in the event things don't get better and you decide you need to leave. At least that way you won't feel trapped because of lack of money, friends, or a place to stay. I know you have tried to be there for him through thick and thin for a long time now. I remember when you were so sad that you both had split up, etc. Then you started finding strength and feeling better. Then he comes back into your life...now this kind of inconsideration. Whether you stay with him or not, I think you should begin to journal your feelings each day, so you can go back over them and see how many days are "up" days and how many days are "down" days for a couple of months. If he truly loves you, he will strive for his stability and strive for your relationship to be all it can be. There is an old saying, "One is lonely, two is company, and three is a crowd". Some people think 3 or more is a party. And that is true..it can be....but when you are trying to work on a relationship that needs to be strengthened.....more than the two of you will definitely be a "crowd". He needs to realize his time and energy needs to go into healing and working through the events of your past together, without throwing something else into the mix and just expecting you to like it.

I wholeheartedly agree with the advice given to you. I think it's time for you to focus on your own individual goals and plans. You need them for you now as well as for the future. What do you want to do with your life, and how can you get there? When you're in a relationship with someone who has bipolar it's especially important to be self-reliant.

Are you working? Can you start building friendships with neighbors, etc.? Build a support group around you so that you have your own life and friendships.

I second married's comment that you are too young and smart and good to sacrifice your life to this man if he isn't willing to respect you and work on your relationship.