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12/03/2010 02:28 PM

I am bipolar, just found out my gf is too.

askbob11
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I have been dealing with being bipolar, way more towards the manic side. I have recently went through a divorce and it broke me down to nothing. I met a girl that I instantly fell in love with. Things were awesome for the first 8 months and she started law school and out of no where she broke up with me. She wanted me back 4 days later and of course I fell hard & took her back. Later I found out that durring this 4 day break she had slept with another man. This really hurt me and I felt that us getting back together was all based on lies. We have been trying to work it out and we moved in together 3 months ago. That was a huge mistake. She had told me that she was bipolar and that was diagnosed 3 years ago. She also gets very manic and depressed around FINALS. This is the same time last year that she broke up with me. I asked her to move out and we were going to give eachother the space that she needs to get thru finals and work things out with a counselor after. I tried but did not give her enough space. She has text me telling me she missed me. She wanted to see me but it got to late and I pushed to see her. This led into another HUGE BIPOLAR episode on both parts. She stated that she felt sorry for me and used to look at me as a man and no longer feels anything. I am lost without her, I feel that she is my best friend. She told me not to contact her until her finals are done (15 more days) and that she will decide then if she is interested in a relationship with me. I am worried that in her bipolar state, not meds, she will fall into another guys arms, and that the arguing, etc. has pushed her so far away that we no longer have a chance. This happened last night and I am hurting very badly and do not know what to do. I am going to counseling but this consumes my mind every minute. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

I have tried to get past the sex thing. The biggest thing is that she is in law school and is bipolar AND she has finals right now. We talked about giving eachother space and she kept texting me which made me think that she wanted to see me. Last night I ended up getting back to her too late I should have just let her be. She wanted to come over and I applowed it. She came over and was so upset because she was soooo tired. We have been going through hell in our relationship over the last year and she brought that all up and told me that she hasn't been happy being with my for a year. She has also told me that she wants to marry me, that I am the best thing that has ever happened to her. That we can get through this together. Now she won't talk to me until after Finals. At this point she has ripped everything from my self confidence. She even stated that she was probably not even bipolar and that I HAVE DRIVEN HER INSANE! Shit, it is the exact opposite. I love her so much but I feel like us being together is ruining our lives. I do not know what to do. I love her, and I know if I leave her she will be with someone else, want me back, and I couldn't say no. I love her so much and she has been my best friend. I am so lost.

Please help

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12/03/2010 03:35 PM
wifeonbpexpress
wifeonbpexpress  
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Wow,that's quite a story. It sounds like there is too much going on and all of the drama that keeps happening is feeding more and more drama.

In my opinion, and I know from experience, as hard as it would be for both of you, stepping back, taking time to think, process, breathe, would probably be a positive step. It just sounds like there are so many emotions going on that nothing is being decided and when you do decide something, you are both abandoning that decision anyway.

I understand you are worried that she will find someone else. Well, again, in my opinion, if she does, you are probably in for a long haul if you decide to put up with it. You deserve happiness and from what you said she said, one minute she hasn't been happy for a year and the next minute she wants to get married. It would be a mistake to jump into a marriage when everything is so unstable right now. Not having trust is a biggy. And she is sounding pretty manic. No big decisions can be made in that state of mind.

You said the biggest thing is that she in law school, has finals and is bipolar. Does she see a dr.? Is she on meds? It sounds like she really needs to get a med adjustment or something. Maybe more.

Are you taking care of yourself? Seeing your dr., sleeping? The turmoil of supporting someone with bp is difficult enough, but the fact that you have bp, too must really make it difficult to manage your illness.

If she wants to stop contact until after finals, that's probably a very good idea for both of you. You can't control what she does, but you can control what you do. Does she have someone else, a family member or friend who is keeping tabs on her, know the situation? It would be comforting to you, perhaps if you knew that she was being supported while you are taking a break from each other.

These are just my thoughts, not necessarily what you should do. I hope you can figure out what to do or not do and find a little peace. I know what that kind of stress can do to a person. It is hell. It also takes time to figure things out. Sounds like this has been going on for quite a while. Take care of you. If she really loves and cares about you, I would hope she wouldn't go out and be with someone else, but when manic, as you probably know that does happen. Hang in there, keep us posted and we'll try to help you through this.


12/03/2010 03:54 PM
Imnoangel
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askbob11, welcome to the group! I have to say I agree with a lot of what wife said. Of course anything you do is up to you.

A lot of what you described in her actions is similar to how my hubby acted when he was manic before meds. He'd do the love/hate thing, say nasty things, say things that really were more about him and not me. So, I know how painful that can be.

Try and remember it's the illness that's fueling this. She's probably under extreme stress during finals and that's driving the mania.

I'd give her some space, but maybe keep the communication open so you don't worry that she'll move on to someone else. I think this will give you more peace of mind.


12/03/2010 08:05 PM
lollipop
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Welcome to the group!!! I don't know what to tell you except I concur with what the two above have said. Here is something to think seriously about. If it is this hard while dating, it very possibly will get even more difficult after marriage. Be careful, please don't rush into anything out of fear that she will leave.

12/04/2010 07:09 PM
vblbowhunterbf

The only thing that I can tell you is my own experience because is it the hurtful things she says that bugs you the most? Is it the space thing that bugs you most?

She is flipping back and forth between wanting to see you and not wanting to see you and the stress is probably driving that. You just almost have to seperate your emotions of what is being said in a bipolar episode it may or may not be true. It is just being said for who know's what reason. Nobody understands bipolar. If people did there would be true treatments for it and from what I understand most treatments for bipolar are drugs that were meant to treat other things.

I just wanted to share that a lot of days lately my gf loves me all day long, very strongly starting out in the morning. Then typically at night it's like a switch just flips and she becomes distant and says maybe I should go to my parents or maybe I should go to my brother's. And my response is always if you need to see your family go see them, but I love having you here. She always stays.

Some nights she would say "I don't even know why I love you", "I don't understand why I'm dating you", she will want to go sleep in a different bedroom because she doesn't even want to sleep in the same bed as me, although I normally talk her into it. My normal response is "we'll see what you say in the morning".

There will also be times in her normal state of mind where we talk about getting married all the time. When she slips into these episodes at night her outlook on the relationship is that it will be ending soon and I should just go out another girl and she's even willing to assist me in finding another girl. This is all true stuff and the next day we normally do laugh about it and we can joke. I have to be careful with how I joke about it. I mean again this all comes down to reading her mood. Depending on her mood it all determines how much I can joke and play around with her. That's where my ability to read her drives how I will be able to interact with her at any given time.

My gf has bipolar two so her episodes are only a couple hours to an evening at a time, normally at night. For info on how I cope with this check out discussion I started: Are my coping mechanisms healthy or not? because I talk about this kind of stuff more there.

Good luck, hang in there. Don't give up hope. True love can make it through anything. The thing that keeps me going is that I know her true feelings for me. That she loves me. True love can weather any storm. I know that she really loves me because we write letters back and forth all the time and in none of the letters where she is in a normal state of mind is there a negative thing to be said. I mean the only emotions that you can take for fact in my mind, my personal belief, is the one's said in a stable state of mind. I hope this helps, best of luck.

-Micah


12/04/2010 09:47 PM
Imnoangel
Imnoangel  
Posts: 1981
Senior Member

Micah really does have his ducks in a row! Smile I have to say that what he said is spot on! Smile

12/04/2010 09:57 PM
volleyballlover

I know, he really does, doesn't he Angel?! I am one lucky girl for having such a supportive partner. I really couldn't do this without him. Well I could but he makes me a much better person Smile

12/05/2010 10:57 AM
jenny1978
jenny1978  
Posts: 2599
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Micah, you said so many things that are very understanding on your part! You are a great person and you deal with things the right way. And I'm glad you deal with them the way you do because you have an awesome gf and yall are very lucky to have each other!!! Good luck with everything! I'm proud of how well you understand and how you handle these situations! Keep treating her great, she deserves it and you deserve to be treated great as well!!

12/05/2010 02:59 PM
volleyballlover

Ahhhhhhh Jenny, you are so sweet. Micah here says he's suprised people think he's dealing well with at all because I didn't really show him my bipolar signs and true feelings until about six months ago. So thank you for the compliments. He definitely feels like he can learn a ton from y'all who've been dealing with this for years and years. So please help fill either Micah or I in on any bipolar or relationship tips that you have found helpful for a new, young couple?! This is all a learning experience for us. Some people who have been through it and have wisdom, it would be great to hear some input any at all from them! Smile thanks everyone, hugs!
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