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12/28/2011 01:11 PM

You name it, I've got it. ALL of them.

thomwest2634
 
Posts: 15
Member

Good afternoon, y'all. I am really a "newbie" here, but certainly not to life in general. I hope not to offend anyone with my story - I'm a 78 year old gay man. 50 years ago I was beaten and left for dead in Los Angeles because of who I was and think I am. Shortly I started stopping, and didn't have the brains to figure out what it was. I saw a shrink who told me I had an Anxiety Neurosis and Dependency Complex. Duh, eh? But I had repressed my experience completely so that I couldn't even let him understand what the basis for either was.

I eventually had to sell my house to live because I couldn't go to work. Then I want to work with a bunch of people who "understood" my "problem" and that lasted as long as I could make it last, then I "stopped" again. Now, 50 years later I am agoraphobic, have Big Time and difficult to control anger, and Social Anxiety. Can you believe that at my age I'm trying to change it? Do you think I may really be someone else? Oy. I'll read what's posted and try to find something that helps and thank you all beforehand for what develops. Happy New Year.

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12/31/2011 07:20 AM
kildare56
kildare56  
Posts: 4146
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

thomwest why do you think you will offend anyone? You just sound like a real person with real problems. Is it foolish to try to change at 78? I hope not. I'm trying at 60. Do you fully comprehend that you were the victim of that attack and did nothing to bring it on? There is a hint of self-blame in your post that doesn't belong there. You are who you are. Accept it and get to know yourself. As the expression goes, "be happy in your own skin". I know you are very welcome here and there are good people to speak to. This may not be the most active of groups, but that does not change the quality of the people. We are glad you are here!

12/31/2011 04:34 PM
lor
lor  
Posts: 493
Senior Member

thomwest,

Welcome! Just be yourself. We are happy to have you here. It is never too late to change if that is what you want. Wishing you a Happy, peaceful, joyous, healthy New Year!!


12/31/2011 04:37 PM
thomwest2634
 
Posts: 15
Member

Several years ago I posted similar information on a forum and was made to understand that homosexual activity brings about disaster in one way or another and others on the forum couldn't have cared less. As open as the public has become about those of us who are "different" I always feel like I'm setting myself up for rejection (which was what the ENTIRE incident was about in L.A.) I suspect my anger is for the three guys who were involved. I have to know that by now they're probably dead, but I have to blame somebody until I can consciously put it where it belongs. Thanks again for your interest. It's helped already.

01/01/2012 05:29 AM
sharone
sharone  
Posts: 3449
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I'm an Advocate

Thomwest, you got such perfect responses from other members, I don't think I can add much to it. I've been through a lot in my life, too. There ARE predators out there and unfortunately, you ran into some. but I think most people are not capable of that. Most of us are just trying to make sense of life. Life's about change. I am so grateful for that. I can't imagine being 78 and alive and not wanting to improve SOMETHING in my life. I think you've got the right attitude. Hope you do work on change and work hard for it. Life's so worthwhile when we do!

01/01/2012 05:45 AM
kildare56
kildare56  
Posts: 4146
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

My friend if you have to have someone to take it out on, I'll volunteer. I have thick skin and if it helps, pretend I am one of those fools who attacked you. It might be therapeutic if you did. If not, then just let me know how I can help.

01/01/2012 08:19 PM
Iamanenigma5
Iamanenigma5Posts: 36
Member

It does not matter how long ago the incident happened, until you face it head on and make your peace with it every day will be like the day it happened. It's never, ever too late to get help and make peace with yourself.

01/02/2012 07:14 AM
thomwest2634
 
Posts: 15
Member

Thanks, Iama, for your words of wisdom, and I firmly believe them. There are a lot of ancillary issues that need working on too. In my original post I sort of indicated "I think I'm gay." There were incidents in my childhood which left my sexuality up for grabs and I've never really known what my "leanings" were, truthfully. I've lived with raging hormones at a young age coupled with guilt (being a Catholic, that's not difficult)Relationahips never have included what I have thought of as love - no kissing, no holding, no sweet words, just physical mechanics, really. So my psyche really doesn't understand why I was attacked anyway. How did they know who/what I was when I didn't?

My anger includes that towards the older men who took advantage of me as a youth which led me to think that that was "sex" (especially after my parents had told me "Don't you EVER touch a girl."Wink Well, they didn't know I was being "touched" by men so they didn't discourage that, and at 12 or 13 it just felt good and I didn't care what it was. I was having a good time, so I must have "been" whatever it was. As you can see, it's convoluted in several respects. The real problem is that I'm just now beginning to put the things together and blaming everyone for the things I've missed and never will have. Sorry to bend your ear, but this is really good for me. Lemme know if it's too much. Thanks


01/06/2012 03:28 PM
sharone
sharone  
Posts: 3449
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

thomwest, the guys who attacked you DIDN'T know who/what you were. It really wasn't about YOU. It was totally about who they are. They were looking for a victim. You happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I am so sorry this happened. You really should get some counseling/talk it out here so that you can get some perspective on it. It's violent crime. That's all. Hateful. It's not something you did/asked for...they could have found a number of victims that same time. it was just timing.

01/06/2012 06:09 PM
kildare56
kildare56  
Posts: 4146
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Thomwest, you do sound like a victim who has never found a way past the attack. I am afraid you may be letting the hate mongers define you, when you are so much more than the sum of those events. Sharone is right. A victim is not who you are. It's something some jerks did. I'll tell you what you honestly seem to be to me. You are a stand up guy who can help a lot of people.
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