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12/27/2008 08:02 PM

I feel like everybody is watching me.

fancy1964
fancy1964  
Posts: 35
Member

When I am in public, I feel like people are staring at me and whispering things about me. And when I think of trying to make a friend, I feel like they tuck tail and run away from me.

I can remember when I was in sixth grade this girl sat behind me, when I handed papers back to her she would make a noise and tell me to stop staring. So that is when I started to protect myself by keeping to myself. After that I stayed away from people and the friends, that I did have treated me like dirt, the only time I was good enough was when I had money and that wasn't to often.

I even stayed to myself at home, because my sister use to beat me so bad that I would pass out. The reason my mom never stopped is because she was at work and my sister would watch me until one day, my brother stepped in and put a stop to it that is when she waited until he was gone for a while and that is when she started in again. So that is why I think I am so scared of meeting people, because I don't want to get hurt again and when I want to go out with some guy. They seem to tuck tail and run in the opposite direction, because I feel I am either that ugly or that stupid/retard. So I just don't bother, that way I don't get hurt. But I do get very lonely and that is why I don't want to lose my mother she is the only one I've got here to give me support.Ermm

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12/27/2008 08:15 PM
sisters4life

wow Fancy you sound a lot like me.

12/27/2008 08:31 PM
hipmama42
hipmama42  
Posts: 939
Senior Member

Fancy,

you just describe how I often feel in a group of strangers, or even in a group of familiar people -- as if I am being watched, judged, and ridiculed. I too sometimes have that paranoid feeling, as if people are whispering and snickering to themselves whenever I open my mouth to speak...and when I have this (usually irrational, I realize) thought, it's as if my brain just suddenly "freezes" and I cannot think of what I was going to say, or finish my sentence. I lose my train of thought because I am suddenly so self-conscious and feeling like a fool...my words sound stupid to me, and I have trouble getting my thoughts out from that point on...it turns into a full-blown panic attack.

I have become more self-conscious now that I have fibromyalgia, due to the "fibro fog" and all of the meds I take for my pain and fatigue, which have caused me to gain a lot of weight, and also I fear make me sound and act even "stupider" than the fibro fog itself!

I am afraid people will think I am high on illegal drugs, when it is my anti-depressants and muscle relaxant and the fibro fog itself. I was self-conscious to begin with but it is even worse now. Also, I sometimes have to use an asthma inhaler, and that makes my hands shaky for hours afterwards. I blush, I stammer, I sweat, and I shake when nervous before people, and knowing, or just thinking that people can see these things makes me all the more fearful and paronoid!

As a child I was painfully shy and scared of many things that did not frighten "normal" people. The tendency to panic easily seemed to have been hard-wired into me and runs on my mom's side of the family. I have always been easily startled by noises, and I am unable to multi-task when I have to tune out background noises. I have also been diagnosed with adult ADHD...

and I have an over-active "fright or flight" response, which causes me to release too much adrenalin for any given situation.

My meds have helped me a lot with the anxiety, but...it's a double-edged sword, because some days the side-effects seem worse than the problem they are supposed to treat. Also, with the fibro and going through menopause now, my whole personality seems to change from day to day! It is such an emotional rollercoaster! Some days I can handle going to Wal Mart with hordes of people and wait in line with no problem,and other times just setting foot in there causes me to break out in a cold sweat, and I cannot wait to get the heck out of there!

I have strugged with my weight for most of my life, and at 51, have all but given up on being thin, or even thinner. The meds I take and the poor and broken up sleep, inability to exercise without extreme fatigue and pain, and constant food cravings make sticking to a ridid diet and losing weight seem impossible. I will lose ten pounds and then gain it right back!

I can certainly relate to everything in your post except that I was not abused by a mentally unstable sister.

I live with my diabetic,alcoholic dad and somewhat take care of him along with my two boys, 11 and 13. I feel like I don't have a lot of support from family and friends either, but finding this site has been a Godsend. I don't know what I would do or where I would be without you all! The holidays were kind of tough for me,and there is still New Year's to get through, but thank goodness I did survive them, and I want to wish everyone out there a happy and healthy 2009!

Post edited by: hipmama42, at: 12/27/2008 20:41


12/28/2008 10:18 AM
fancy1964
fancy1964  
Posts: 35
Member

My sister I think is a skitzo, because her abuse started when she was 16 and I was 10 my mom thought it was just jealousy, but I knew different. My sister is also an alcholic and drug abuser. She told me that she is surprised that her two oldest kids turned out as good as they did. But they have the same issues as I do, but the two youngest ones have fetal alchol syndrome. but one is worser than the other. brandon's got taken away from her because she thought her booze was more important then her child, so the state took him away from her. I say now that at least he finally gets to grow up and be happy and healthy his other two brothers and his sister get to keep seeing him and having him in there lifes. Jenny his sister sends pictures of him so we get to see a happy he looks. My sister has 4 kids all together and 2 grandchildren.

12/30/2008 04:24 PM
shrug
shrug  
Posts: 230
Member

I can definitely relate to Fancy and HipMama (cool names by the way!) about thinking that people are staring and whispering. I constantly look at the ground when I walk to my classes and avoid eye contact, pretending I'm not around people just so I don't freak out. When talking to people, I find that my mouth gets real dry and cottony and that makes me "freeze" up too. Also, if I'm standing, I pace or if I'm sitting, I rock and even though I'm aware of doing it, I can't seem to stop. I know that I must appear real awkward and weird, so I avoid talking to people and trying to make friends.

I often feel isolated and lonely, but reading both of your posts makes me realize I am not in how I feel. I hope that we can continue to encourage each other & build our confidence throughout the New Year! Smile

Best,

Shrug


12/30/2008 08:24 PM
fancy1964
fancy1964  
Posts: 35
Member

I have always looked down at my feet when I walked, because I get nervous, when I look people in their eyes. When I was younger and in school, the other students would tell me to stop staring and go away. So, I have a hard time, when I go looking for work, because the bosses always wants you to look them in the eye. And that is very hard to do when your nervous and shy to look at them. Because of all the things other kids in school say to you as a young kid. And that stays with a person all their life. Because I still have that problem and I just can't get over it. I find a lot of money this way, but I just can't look people in the eye with out looking away and that hurts your chances for a job that needs eye contact.

12/31/2008 06:09 PM
sharone
sharone  
Posts: 3449
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Fancy...that's really cute that you find money by looking down. That's a funny twist to your 'bad' habit. Funny and cool. So, you do this thing that hurts you in one way and yet, you benefit in another way. Run with it, Fancy. People write best sellers about these twists and turns in their lives...develop hobbies that lead them off into great adventures. The possibilities are endless. It doesn't have to be a dead end just because your behavior is not the norm or in the text books it's written off as abbey-normal!

And, shrug, rocking in that way is just a hallmark of your uniqueness. it doesn't have to be a negative. let your body do what it needs in order to feel comfort but let your mind be focused on the job at hand, your studies.

I went to a program on a college campus w/my son recently. We entered this really teeny tiny room crowded w/folks and I kept jumping out of my seat. Finally, I got up before the program started and said to the guy in charge...is there an exit in case I get too claustrophobic in here or should I just stay out? No problem he said...you can exit anytime. He wasn't even phased. It makes me think I'm not the only one who feels that way in that room. My son was a little disappointed w/my need but I did sit through the program, we both loved it, got a lot out of that visit and can't wait to go...gulp...back!

It's the New Year and I really want to throw off the remnants of this gosh-forsaken restricted living and try living large in 2009! Or, at the very least larger...it really is a process, isn't it!? Happy New Year!


12/31/2008 08:18 PM
shrug
shrug  
Posts: 230
Member

Great advice, Sharone! And speaking of writers with interesting habits and adventures you all should check out Naked by David Sedaris. He use to rock when he was young, and reading that made me super happy.

01/01/2009 05:40 PM
sharone
sharone  
Posts: 3449
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Why do I know that name...Sedaris? I will try to remember to check it out. Thanks, Shrug!

01/01/2009 05:41 PM
sharone
sharone  
Posts: 3449
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Speaking of rock...there's a cool song from...the 90s??? "I always feel like somebody's watching me..." I like that song, anyway, but thought it fit this topic...
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