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01/08/2010 04:52 PM

On the cusp again

sharone
sharone  
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I am looking at my life and realizing that it cycles. I've had opportunities in the past to grab hold of my creative 'juices' and climb on board. I think that's true for all of us. We're like homing pigeons, whatever is in our nature, that's where we keep coming home to, in cycles. But each time opportunity knocked in the past, I've had struggles, things that made me anxious and unsettled and for whatever reasons I couldn't turn away from those things until I'd resolved them. Where they obstacles or nature, too? I don't know. But, now I feel I've beaten them back and staring me in the face is this creative cycle again. But this time I think I'd just feel like a coward if I didn't start embracing it. There just aren't the obstacles to distract me. Now it really is just being tentative and afraid of newness, of change. Like with this friend I made the other day who wanted to get together...it's time to allow for that. Man, this may be my glass ceiling. This may be my limit, me afraid to take the plunge. Ugh. So my future would be pretty dull, choosing the safe route. But, can an old dog learn new tricks? What to do? You all are my muses. I hope you'll share your wisdom because it's always there. I feel as if I'm calling on my guides to help me over the hump. Laughing that is what we do here, isn't it? Ermm Smile
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01/08/2010 05:02 PM
vickiem1124
vickiem1124  
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you walk 4 miles a day but you haven't always been able to walk that far have you? you had to take a first step then a second and so on well same with this take a step then another one and another

you understood that with the typos Silly

Post edited by: vickiem1124, at: 01/09/2010 05:56 AM


01/09/2010 12:58 AM
ohfaithful

Hey Sharone,

You've done so well in your journey. I must say in the last couple of days I read your posts and envied your progress. When that happens to be I have to ask myself one question...what am I afraid of? I think that is the center for me...what is the fear that I am trying to avoid and why? I remember my therapist what is the worst thing that could happen? Perhaps those are the questions that we all should ask ourselves. For me, my head keeps saying you must do the thing that you don't want to do!

I know some people think that affirmations are "cliche" but they have helped me to stay alive over the years... I have them on my mirror when I get up...my bathroom mirror...on the computer...the refrigerator.

He is my favorite...maybe you can find something is the these words that could possibly be the thing that you need.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love

Have a blessed day!

Post edited by: ohfaithful, at: 01/09/2010 01:00 AM


01/09/2010 02:01 AM
hipmama42
hipmama42  
Posts: 939
Senior Member

Very nice, Ohfaithful! Thank you for posting this. Marianne Williamson is a wise woman, for sure.

Sharone, you have come a long way on your journey - and I think that we all reach plateaus where we look back on our lives and wonder if this is it...or is there more growth and adventure ahead of us along the path, if we are willing to forge on into the unknown, and take that leap of faith one more time. We are standing at the turning point...to take the safe, familiar way, or to risk trying something new which is way out of our comfort zone.

When you are 52 and staring the social security years in the face, your old body having betrayed you, heart broken, joints frozen stiff and painful with arthritis, aching in every muscle from some strange condition known as fibromyalgia that has mysterious causes and many theories, but no known cures - you start to think that all of your good years are behind you, all creativity dried up, all sense of adventure quashed, and nothing to look forward to except for collecting social security disability and playing Farmville on Facebook all day long on your laptop while you lounge in bed with your heating pad, surrounded by overweight pampered cats.

Yes - you have become the dreaded CAT LADY! That pathetic old woman who lives alone with her cats and has no life.

That would seem to be me right now. I know that there are indeed more possibilities open to me, if I can creatively learn to think outside the box as to what fresh options are open to me, what creative outlets, and opportunities for personal and spiritual growth - or just becoming interested in new things, new ideas, hobbies, activities, causes...whatever. Right now I would be thrilled just to recapture my old mojo and joie de vivre, from before all my family and health problems began to take me down the road to deep dark depression and a feeling that I'd fallen into a pit from which I'd never climb out. I have a HUGE custody battle ahead, just to get my sons back, or failing that, to get a more fair shared parenting and visitation agreement in place after having my life turned upside down when the child services deemed me unfit and gave immediate "emergency" custody to my ex.

Once again, I find myself behind the eight ball, in fighter/survival mode, determined to overcome this newest adversity and fight to the end for my boys' right to live with the parent they choose (me).

I'm getting off on a tangent (not unusual for me since I have adult ADHD and fibro fog) but I think what I'm trying to say is that my "creative cycle" has been squelched by the constant need to have to "come from behind" in a race whose outcome is always in doubt until the last minute. I am so caught up in the struggle to survive and take care of business, just putting food on the table, trying to eat right, start on cardiac rehab soon, get to all my doctor's and therapist's appointments, do what I have to do to prepare for my next court hearing in domestic court on Feb. 4th, and this coming Monday, discuss with my cardiologist the imminent possibility of having a pacemaker/defibrillator device implanted within the next two weeks before my insurance runs out!

It seems that so many major decisions in my life have been called for me by someone or something else, having to defend my life to preserve what is precious to me or needed for my health and survival. When living in this mode all of the time, it's all about putting out the immediate fires in front of you and preserving your sanity and a little serenity, and taking care of your health while mobilizing your forces (attorney and witnesses) for the Fight.

That has been MY cycle for the past 9 years since leaving my ex.

This will be my SECOND custody battle...and the first one was so grueling I almost thought I was losing my mind. I never dreamed I'd have to go through this all over again, five years later, in even more difficult challenging circumstances!

Sharone, I think you can teach an old dog new tricks, and YOU have the guts and will to take on the new challenges. You are in a good position to try new things and start new relationships, and open yourself up to love and romance too. I think when we raise kids as single moms for so many years, we have to give ourselves "permission" to really date again! It's like our first obligation is always to our kids, since they are so dependent on us for so many things when they are younger. But your son is nearly grown and has become a fine young man, and your work there is nearly finished - at least, the intense part of parenting.

Now it is YOUR turn!

That's how I see it. It's hard when we grow up in the alcoholic or abusive or dysfunctional home with distant, cold, critical parent or parents. If we haven't seen healthy relationships modeled by our parents and family members, we can only guess at what is normal when the time comes for us to try to form a healthy intimate relationship. That is what my old therapist told me. We have to learn new skills and behaviors, and challenge the old thinking and attitudes that hold us back from believing that we too are worthy of love, and able to have a the loving relationship with a sig other that we so richly deserve. We just don't know how...so lack confidence in our ability to do it. Here again, like everything else we do on this journey to overcome social anxiety, I think that we have to take baby steps, go slow, like when you wade into a cold swimming pool a step at a time getting used to the temperature to where it feels comfortable.

Sharone, you are ready to take this next step into the unknown. It requires a leap of faith, but look at all the risks you've taken in this past year, the fears that you have overcome, and all that you've accomplished. You go girl! Your time has come to shine.

Vickie, you are right. We don't start walking 4 miles at a time, we gradually build up to it.

I like this quote - "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." So true!


01/09/2010 02:15 AM
ohfaithful

Thanks Hippmama for that beautiful presentation of my life lol...the years have crept by for me and I'm wondering about my future. I needed to hear that at 5:13 a.m. after almost 48 hours of no sleep. I want more...and it's difficul not being able to control my energy or moods... I need some hope right now...I surely appreciate it and I'm sure everyone else does too...one step at at time!Silly

Post edited by: ohfaithful, at: 01/09/2010 02:17 AM


01/09/2010 02:19 AM
hipmama42
hipmama42  
Posts: 939
Senior Member

What I said also applies to forming new same-sex friendships as well as intimate relationships with the opposite sex. It's partly the risk of self-revelation and being rejected, I think - or not having the friendship work out, say you find that you are not as comfortable with this person when you are hanging out together as you'd hoped you would be, say you find out they have way different values and beliefs, don't get your sense of humor and give you odd looks when you make a joke about something, have way different politics and religious beliefs and don't find the same things interesting and fun as you do. Also, making new friends, at least for women, involves self-revelation, where you slowly open up with the new friend and risk sharing your secrets, goals, fears, problems, etc. - in other words, learning to trust that person and not having to worry about being rejected and cast out should you screw up.

I remember an old friend of mine (who no longer has time for our friendship, and that is her choice but we have grown so far apart that by this time it's a moot point) was nearly dropped by one of HER best friends when she told this person that she was unable to pick up the woman's son at the airport. The friend of my friends said it was a dealbreaker if she could not do this for her.

Wow...I just could not belive it! They were "new" friends - and already she was being put through her paces and being tested.

Anyhow, I guess my point is that new friendships are risky and maybe a little stressful in the beginning, when you are just getting to know each other and whether or not the friendship is going to "take" and become more or less permanent. It's best not to get the expectations up to high, but by the same token, to not be so close-minded and cynical that the friendship is doomed from the get-go.

Because I have social anxiety and I'm extremely shy and self-conscious, as well as paranoid and self-punishing, I have a hard time relaxing in the early stages of making a new friend.

I am doing that right now, getting closer to someone I knew at a distance, kind of a third tier friend, and finding that she is more bossy and critical than I had first thought - but then, I had to realize that she is ill and in pain and on disability - housebound and no longer driving. Of course it makes her cranky and cantakerous at times! But still, it was hard for me to take, being so needy right now and wanting only support and not criticism.

I suppose it will all work out...we need each other's strength and wisdom. We are both tough birds who have been through it.


01/09/2010 04:56 AM
sharone
sharone  
Posts: 3449
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I'm an Advocate

What a gift, waking up in the morning to find volumes of wisdom from folks whose thoughts and courage I admire. I knew you all wouldn't disappoint. ohfaithful, I'm going to add at least one of those quotes to my already over-burdened refrigerator magnets. Actually, maybe it's time to go through them...out with the old/in with the new. Thanks, vickiem, for reminding me it's a process cause THIS ('healthy') I always read as sinister and unfamiliar and frightening. That's true because, as perverse as it sounds, as hipmama said, the world I was familiar with, the world I understood and learned to survive in was cruel. Hipmama, I know where you've been and feel for you now to a depth I can't express. To have the boys removed from your care is unfathomable. Thank you so much for putting together encouraging thoughts for me while you're going through so much yourself. I hope you'll keep us posted, how you're doing and how things work out. And, ladies, I will muddle through the fear and awkwardness of approaching life differently because no matter how much I want to run, there's really no where to run to anymore now that my parents are passing. They seem to be taking chaos with them. It's almost tangible. It's as if I've worn a mantle, a cloak and they are both hanging on for dear life, clutching at the cloak, but as they're sinking, that cloak is coming off of me and I'm finally separating, stepping away, seeing myself for the first time. Grieving's a sad thing no matter what the circumstances.

Anyway, thank you all very much. Very much needed. And, thanks, vickiem, for giving input before taking off to immerse yourself in your studies! Smile

Post edited by: sharone, at: 01/09/2010 05:03 AM

Post edited by: sharone, at: 01/09/2010 05:04 AM


01/09/2010 06:02 AM
vickiem1124
vickiem1124  
Posts: 1948
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you said take the plunge taking steps is a lot less scary than jumping in head first and a relationship of any kind is best when you take steps to get to know that person

01/09/2010 03:14 PM
sharone
sharone  
Posts: 3449
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I'm an Advocate

alright, I'm going to work this through beginning now. why not? I have nothing to fear but fear itself, right? alright then.

01/10/2010 06:26 PM
sharone
sharone  
Posts: 3449
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I'm an Advocate

LOL I shouldn't laugh but I don't even know how to take the first step, honestly. Can I count hanging out and being myself as a first step?
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