I am a 26 year old woman and am going through a very confusing time in my life and I am desperately looking for answers. For the last several years, I have had a hunch that maybe something happened to me as a kid, maybe I was sexually abused. But it was just a hunch. I had all of these problems and personality defects but no concrete memory or evidence as to why. It was just a hunch. Well, 5 years ago I was diagosed with borderline personality disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, dysthymia, have a history of eating disorders, cutting (carving into skin actually), promiscuity, and sexual impulsivity, mixed with complete sexual aversion. I either love it and need it and tend to be very animated and a sex-pot for lack of a better description, or I am completely repulsed by it and feel like I could kill the man on top of me and have to fight the rages I feel inside me during sex. I get to points in relationships where I cannot handle the closeness and I will completely shut my feelings off but can turn around and have meaningless sex with someone else. Until recently, I have started to receive psychological help for whatever is wrong with me. I recently had an intake appointment to receive a psychiatric re-evaluation because of recent events in my life that have me really questioning and the therapist I met with feels confident that I have been sexually abused and I either was too young or remember, or I repressed it, or both. She is questioning if I have bipolar instead of borderline.
To give you some brief background, my parents separated when I was a baby and my mom remarried when I was 3. I idolized and missed my dad more than anything. Growing up, I developed an eating disorder, started to carve into my skin when I was in 6th grade and did that for 10 years, and had bizarre beliefs and fears (to this day, I am afraid of becoming demon possessed and those fears started very very young), and to say I had sleep disturbances would be an understatement.
As a child, I remember being keenly aware of my own sexuality. Too sexual. Like I knew too much. Up to now, I simply thought I was just inherently dysfunctional and have always been very ashamed of my past actions and thoughts. A few examples...
- When I would be watching tv with my family (as a little girl, less than 5 years old) if there was something scary and i couldn't watch, I would sit on my moms lap facing her. I always tried to kiss her neck in a romantic way. Also, if I saw adults kissing on tv, I remember I could feel it "down there." Almost like I could feel my heart beating in my vagina. I didn't know why.
- I often complained of having discomfort in my vagina and my mom would put vaseline on me to make it feel better.
- I remember seeing my dogs having sex once and also seeing one dog lick the other's genitals. or if my dog was laying down I was really curious. It was like I couldn't look away.
- When I was in elementary school (possibly 3rd or 4th grade), I started taking baths with my friend. She and I started kissing and fondling eachother, and eventually started to regularly perform oral sex on eachother. I don't remember whose idea it was, I don't remember how it started, and I don't remember getting any pleasure out of it. I think eventually she became more hesitant about it than I was. I remember we would pretend that we were adults and we loved eachother romantically.
- Also throughout elementary school, I had 3 or 4 friends that I would make out with. We would pretend to be adults and we would hide and kiss passionately. Again, I don't remember whose idea it was.
- in 6th grade, I started masturbating. I was 12 years old and masturbated regularly for several years.
- I always wanted to look pretty for my dad. I rarely saw him but desperately wanted his approval. My step mom hated me and still dislikes me and was jealous of me and treated me almost as if I was a woman who was taking my dads attention away from her. To this day, I get anxiety attacks before seeing my dad, like I have to have the right clothes on and look really good, almost as if I am getting ready for a date.
- After reaching adulthood, I have had a series of very unstable relationships and find myself to be overtly sexual at time, which I hate about myself. I have serious problems with being faithful, when a solid and healthy relationship is something I want more than anything I just feel so incapable of it. I don't know why I do it sometimes - it's not because I am ever overcome with urges or physical desire. in fact, of all the times I've ever had sex, I have been physical turned on very few of the times.
- Also since reaching my twenties, I have had 4 different men point out to me that my father's interaction with me is inappropriate and they get the vibe that my dad is attracted to me. My dad has made comments about how hot I am and has also playfully spanked my butt on a number of occasions and made comments like it's nice or it's "his" butt.
- I had my son when I was 22. I noticed that when he was only a few months old, my dad would play with him and do some things in plain sight that made me uncomfortable. For example, it's common for people to play with a baby's belly or nose or various body parts that people often refer to as "cute" on babies. My dad would also "play" with his diaper/private area as if it was something that could be poked or tickled playfully. He also would put his face down into my son's diaper area and act like he was rubbing his hair against my son's belly. This made me very uncomfortable. That is when I started to be clued in that something seemed off.
- Also, during my pregnancy, I was haunted by these feelings and fears that I would eventually sexually abuse my son. I didn't want to and I didn't fantasize about it. It was a phobia, a fear, a thought that would enter my mind and torment me. I was afraid I was going to go crazy and some sort of impulse would come over me and I wouldn't be able to stop myself. I would pray that God would make me have a miscarriage if it I was destined to do something like that. I desperately didn't want to and I was disgusted by it, I just didn't know why I kept having those thoughts. I no longer have those thoughts. I refuse to have them.
My therapist has suggested that I have a sexual addiction which I have always dismissed because a majority of the time, I hate sex. Hate is not a strong enough word to describe how I feel about it 75% of the time. She also said that my actions as a child are not normal - that I couldn't have come up with those things on my own, I learned them somewhere.
From what I am told by friends, family, and doctors, I am not mentally well. My borderline personality disorder (if that's even what it is) has deeply manifested itself into my life and I am staring at the pieces of yet another shattered relationship and I can't figure out why I have done what I have done (pushed him away over and over, manipulated others to be on my side, demonized him and cheated on him). I honestly feel so emotionally disconnected from the details that I am in shock that all of this has happened and my loving boyfriend and I aren't together anymore, despite the things I did. I just feel so removed from those things. I feel like it wasn't me. It's shocking to me.
I am staring at the possibility that I am either just a very bad person, or I am a result of some sort of trauma. All the signs are there. When I think about it or try to explain the signs to those close to me, I break down and cry and become completely overcome with emotion and pain. I am just so confused because I don't have any concrete memories, but now I have a professional telling me that it's a very real possibility. Please help. I don't want to be this person.
