Time to Take a Leap(heavy trigger possibility)

Everything started a week ago, last Saturday morning, when I decided that I wanted to be intimate with my hubby. This was a big step for me for a few reassons. Wake up sex is not done by me, I get drained when I have sex, need a couple of horus of sleep afterwards in order to re-energize. I also do not do any thing once I know that the kids are awake, I need to beavailable to them and heaven forbid if they walked in on something. Ialso do not start things, too many fears associated with that. That all said, it was 5:15 in the morning, one of the boys had already gotten up and gone downstairs top play,and I had been wanting to have sex for a few days. At this point said screw everything, I wanted it and Iwas going to get it.Not only did I start it, I was on top, another thing I tend to shy away from because i enjoy it more. I guess that my hubby decided that he needed to be in more control, so we changed positions, no big deal. It was great, we both were enjoying ourselves for once. Then he feel oput and re-entered the wrong hole. that ended everything. I do not know how longI actually spaced otu for, but when I returned I was laying across the top of the bed. Terrorized in pain and agony. I still am not for sure if the pain I was feeling was due to the experience that just happened, or if it was caused by the sodomy when I was younger. I know what followed was caused by the earlier experiences. My mind was trying to get me to believe that I deserved what I got. "That's what you get for enjoying it. Yuo should've known better than to try and start anything..." My hubby was profusely appologizing at the same time, I was trying to tell those voices that they needed to stop, it was an accident, he never would have done any such thing on purpose. He has never even suggested that we try anything like that, so why would he try now. calmed my head down enough to realize that I was lying there gripping my hubby's arm as if it was a life support measure. I could barely even speak. Managed to say "I know" all I could say to acknowledge that my hubby was still appologizing. I lay there crying for a few more minutes before I could summon the strength to say" I know, but you do not know the whole story." Another few minutes went by before I could explain in simple terms that the sodomy I experienced when I was eight, was done as punishment for my enjoying sex. Istill haven't been able to tell him

that I had actually had an orgasm and that signified that I was finished, I was told that since I had finished before him that I wanted him to finish in another way. He then sodomized me.This was what happened anytime that I orgasmed before he did. Granted it did not happen many times, but it did happen on a handfull of occassions.I lay there for some time sobbing before my hubby got up, threw a blanket over me and left the room. I lay there in bed sobbing in pian, unable to speak at all, hearing him in the background telling the kids to get up and get ready to go. I remember thinking to myself, don't leave me hear, the last thing I needed was to be abandoned again. Sleep finally overcame me. I woke up to my oldest son asking me if I wanted breakfast. My hubby had made pancakes eggs and bacon. I did thank him the next day for taking care of the kids, making breakfast and for not leaving. Of course, I believe thsat I handled the situation well, my hubby on the other hand does not. He see it as yet another case were he did nothing wrong and got made into the

abuser.I wish there was a way to make him understend that I was not making him into anything. I was only reacting toevents that had happened.

It wasn't even two days later, when i found my youngest alter huddled in a cornor. So I sat down beside her, I have learned that it is not good to sit in front of her.I put an arm around her and as she leaned toward me I askedwhat was wrong. All she said was it hurts, I hate that phrase with a passion. That phrase has haunghted me for three years. All I get is "It hurts." in that small whiny vioce. Nothing else. What hurts, who hurts, where does it hurt? nothing. No answer, just it hurts. I despise that phrase.Anyway, I threw that line of thought aeay, as I had a two year old to deal with. I knew I wouldn't get anywhere with her by talking, she just isn't mature enough to answer, so I just held her for a while. I finally asked her "Do you hurt?" I got a small head nodding yes, I knew it had been her sending this message for the past three years, maybe now I could finally get somewhere with it. If she hurt, maybe she could tell me where. All she could say was, "down there.", so I asked if her pee-pee hurt. She looked very confused. This perplexed look caught me off gaurd, the child was smarter than I had given her credit for. She didn't know what a vagina was, but she knew that it wasn't her pee-pee. Now I was difinately confused, if he had never penitrated, then how wasit that her vagina hurt? So I asked her," If his pee-pee never went inthere, then how did it get hurt?" "It did." " how, it was too big to fit in?" She was getting frusterated by now, I could tell, but if she was willing to try, so was I. I needed to know. "too big, little no hurt."

A reterded fifteen year old boy had found a way to rape a two year old. Insert it before it got errect and let it get errect once inside, how ingenuious! God that memory hurt. I sat there with her crying as I held her. How could someone be so insensitive?

There is more to this story. It was quit a week, but for now, I need to do something else.Will come back later and finish it.

Brenda

have you been diagnosed with DID or MPD? you talk of alters? we have a group for that as well to deal with being a multiple, of which i am a member/leader. http://www.mdjunction.com/multiple-personalities

though your story is heart wrenching, i am glad that you have gotten the courage up enough to talk to us about it. holding it in is the worst thing we can do. if you are a dissociative/multiple, does your husband know? perhaps you could find literature for him to read on the after effects of molestation and how it manifests itself in adulthood. he is probably torn between feeling bad something he did brought back the memories even if it was accidental. many of us when we don't know what to do will act defensive. let me know if you would like to talk. hugs jenna

Doesn't everyone deserve true love?
for story behind this pic:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/in_pictures/6404425.stm

Your really having a lot come out recently and your being assertive sexually. Though it is hard you are making progress.

I didn't know there was a place for DID, I am dissociative as well. I'll have to look into that forum. Thank you lostgrul for mentioning it.

I hope at least in your adult mind you know that it was ok to orgasm when you were a child. I had this same guilt. It is a normal body reaction that everybody else just get's to enjoy without all the shame and guilt. The person who abused you is the guilty one.

huggsss..Lori

As an amendment, I went in to work to get my check last night, and realized that I had lost an entire week, meaning that the events refered to actually happened two weeks ago. After tslking to a co-worker, that is somewhat aware and accepting of my circumstances, I was made aware of the fact that my alter that took over had quit an interesting time.

As to an official diagnosis, don't have a clue what it would be/is. I pay my t. out of my own pocket, usually by making jewlery for her. I know that she has notes, but I believe that our take on a diagnosis is that it would be sexual abuse survivior, affects thereof. Not real specific, but the shared belief is that if we can resolve the abuse issues, then all of the symptoms caused by it will alleavaite themselves. The alters are included in that, as they were caused by the abuse, and as I heal from the wounds of it, they are intergrating. I did look at the MPD/DID forum, and PM autum there, but there seems to not really be much going on there. Again that was a few weeks ago, so things could have changesd, will relook. There is a lot more to the story above, but I am not in the mood to type it up at the moment, maybe over the weekend I wiil do some. Thanks again for the support. I really need to get this all out and sort it out.

Brenda

EVen with all this happening on the inside, I did not let it stop the healing that has been going on elsewhere. My hubby and I did have sex again that weekend and I did have an orgasm(before he did). That was actually what brought about the appology from him. But after that, I do not remember anything in the external world until a week ago Thurs. I had gonre to bed that night as usual, having a conversation with the alters. I have found iot helpful to talk to them before I go to bed so that they have a chance to voice any concerns before I go to sleep, not during sleep. My oldest said that she wanted to talk seperatly, so we told the others we needed to chat and would see them later. I thought "This should be a treat. She does not usually want to talk alone, her greivences are aired publicly. What had I done to upset her?" She told me that there was something I needed to deal with Brenna, the two year old. She wouldn't say what, just that I needed to go and deal with it and I wwould be gone for a coulpe of days. I told her that it would be interesting seeing as how I had to go to work. She told me she would use my notes at work to take care of it and Ihad just done a paper on setting up medications of school, so she would be able to handle it, but brenna needed me. I wonder now if she told me that it was only going to be a couple of daysbecause she knew that i would not leave her in charge for a week, ther is just too much that could go wrong. Plus I had a meeting at work that I really did not want her attending.I agreed, thinking I would be back in time for my meeting.

Knowing how Brenna gets when she throws her fits, I knew I could be in for something. She wasn't throwing a fit, but she wasn't exactly in the mood to talk either. Of course, it was bedtime, so I put her to bed and slept next to her. Her sleepwas very interupted, so I didn't sleep either. She did some interesting drawings otherwise she was rather withdrawn. This was odd, Brenna is usually full of life, but I stayed close by and observed. I slept when she slept, as she never slept that long, an hour or two at most. At one point she started talking about hurting again, so here we went with the litney of questions again. Of course i couldn't get an answer, as she didn't have a way of explaining what she felt. I was tired,exhuasted, and begining to give up hope that I was going to come across any need to really be there. The fact that I was not seeing a need for me to be there was starting to irriatate me. That the teen pu8lled a trick to get time to play her fun was not setting with me well. She should have told me that she just wanted time ouit, we could have dealt with that and provided for it. So I started to leave, when Jenna showed up. She is the eight year old. She asked if I knew that Brenna was having a hard time. Yeah what did she think I was doing here, was my thought, but didn't say it. I told Jenna that I couldn't figure out what the problem was. She responded that Brennas couldn't tell me what was wrong, as she didn't have the language, or understanding to explain it, and that she peobably couldn't draw or depict it either. At this pointI was starting to gwet upset with Jenna for not telling me something earlier. She knew something, but was relunctant to say what. I looked at Jenna and told her to sit down and start talking because in order to help, I needed to know what was going on. She wouldn't sit still, much less sit down for more that a minute. I asked her if she would take a walk and talkat the same time. That she was willing to do. She was very fidgetityand we walked for quit a while before she said anything substaintail. I finally had enough and asked her what was going on with Brenna. What did she need to releive herself of. Jenna said that she was not for sure of all of it, but it had something to do with something that Brenna saw. THat while she was being abuse Brenna had seen most of it and was having troubles with dealing with it.

Time to renew my efforts at talking to Brenna. I thanked Jenna for the heads up and returned to Brenna's room. Againshe was huddled up in a corner. She was very scared looking this time though. I went over and sat beside her. I went to put an arm around her and got a screaming "NO TOUCHY". The voice wqs very harsh, not like Brenna's at all. I started to say okay Brenna, and got anothe screaming no. If you are not Brenna then who are you, I asked annoyed at this point. I did not get an answer, but Brenna came in at that point, so I asked her who the other one that looked just like her was. All I got was Jamie. Who's Jamie, I have never herd of a Jamie before. My lovely teenager came in at this point and told me tha Jamie is an alter of Brenna's. Before she said another thing I interurpted her and asked what she was doing here if she was supose to be handleing the outside life. She told me that the body was a sleep, so she came to help sort things out, as she knew I would need an explaination. that Brenna was the fun loving little girl that was daddy's little angel and Jamie was the one that could do nothing right. At the point where the sodomy started, Jamie started taking all the abuse. Brenna couldn't handle the sodomy and therfore Jamie was the evil one that needed to be punished and has been ever since. She had found Jamie a fewe days before we talked,and spent those days trying to get her to respond. Jamie did not want anyone to touch her, or really evenlook at her. any sighn of sympathy/ empathy was not aceppted. The child feels so unloveable that she can barely stand anyone to be around her. Since she is a teen and I am the one wanting to major in psychology, she felt it better that I handle this one. Plus she did not know what else to do. Her only idea was to force Jamie to accept the personal contact. I am so glad that she got me instead. You cann't force someone to accept physical contact, it does not help them to learn to trust you, in fact it does just the oppisite. I told her it just takes time, lots and lots of time, but I needed to get back to the front line and deal with the outside worldand would deal with Jamie as much as I could. That is a promise I will keep. It has been over a week and I still ahven't gotten her to even let me take her hand. I tell her everyday how much i love her and how much I want to hold her, but I won't until she is ready. One day I will sit beside her and she will climb into my lap, but until that day, I will just sit beside her and tell her how much I car and that I will be here for her. I gave her a beautiful purple and blue tie-dyed blanket a couple of days ago, to try to make her feel more comfortable. She accused me of getting ready to leave her like momma did. I told her that I knew momma left us to our own devices for the most part, but I would not, I will always be here and if she will not let me put my arms around her, then at least she can feel my love through the blanket.

It makes me cry to think that any two year old could be hurt so much that they cann't even be held. That a simple human touch can make them feel as though they are going to be hurt again. I can only imagine the things this child has indured and one day she will open that door, until then, I will sit beside her and wait.

Brenda

give brenna time, hon. i am sure she will come around. understanding and being careful not to show your frustration is also vital. you don't want her to be afraid she is upsetting or angering you. perhaps with time and continually reinforcing that you will not hurt her and that you can only help if you know what is hurting or frightening her, she will soon see you are being honest. trust is a very hard thing to grant when you are hurting and terrified. just always remember that. i know you will do great.

Doesn't everyone deserve true love?
for story behind this pic:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/in_pictures/6404425.stm

I wish I had remembered the tid bit about the fruit flies attacking me, I might not have chosen a blanket to give her. Seeing her cold and lonely, I thought that it would be something to help. Completely forgot that mom used to have to wrap me in one to protect me, before she stopped caring. Hope she can get over that. I thought about trying to take the blanket back and get her something else, but then reliezed thatI was thinking of her when I saw itr and chose it, so it is hers. It would not be right to take it back.

I see her three or four times a day, sometimes I just sit there next to her and not say a thing, other times I tell her how much I care. When she is ready she will reach out. I have been blessed with a lot of patiance, so I can wait.

Brenda

Brenda

I'm wondering that when I was being abused by a babysitter and my brother, I left my body and sat in the corner while the abuse was going on. I had a name for the little girl that was being abused ....it was Jennifer. I would talk to her all of the time and she was the one the abuse happened to. I also had another girl that came into the picture when I was raped by my ex boyfriend. When I came to, I found myself inside the kitchen cubboard wrapped in a blanket. I had no memory of what had happened until a few days later when one of the girls came to talk to me and told me what had happened. Her name was Sandy.

I have never talked about this to anyone. I had heard voices when I was going through the process of my nightmares and rememberinng all of the abuse. I think it was the girls talking to me. I still disasociate and lose peroids of time. My children say I "space out." They have even yelled at me and haven't been able to get my attention.

Is this the same type of thing? I didn't tell my therapist b/c I didn't want them to think I was nuts! I thought that they might take my kids or something if I did.

I hope that everyone is doing well. LOVE YA ALL, Chris