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Sexual Abuse Community Sexual Abuse Support Forums Introductions & Personal Stories Finally decided to join
 

Finally decided to join


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04/28/2008 14:14
Lilibit58
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 Thank you Gemma, I am looking forward to working this all out and then making a decision. We did touch on in therapy the last time, did I think I married a version of my mother? My fiance before my husband was just like my father, so much so even my father thought it. Alcoholic weak person. But that boy got violent and I broke it off. So I avoided anyone who was like my father, even the good parts. I unknowingly have seemed to marry someone like my mother, critical though he is not cold like her. Its like I feel badly about myself, unworthy, and I choose a person who validates that, when really I don't want to feel this way. Like they say what you believe you are is what you become. I'm working on a new image of me and this is hard. I feel phony complimenting myself, but I think this is a process a lot of us have to go through. I just wish sometimes it didn't take so long and be so hard,,, I try to remember there are worse things.

I'm glad you both have supportive partners. Bunny do you think he is just be respectful or does he not want to know. I think sometimes they don't want to rock the boat so to speak.
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04/28/2008 14:23
bunny_fly
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 By the way, as for hiding it, my husband compares our relationship tom fishing. We are the fishermen, they are the fish. We put the tantalizing lure on the line, that they cannot resist. We temtp them with the beautifull sites of the outer appearence. We dress sharp to kill and hook is verry pointy. The men get that glance in their eyes. They look from one side to the other, even lokking around. Then we through that jiggle in our walk, like a fisherman with his line. We start to pull away and walk away, as a fisherman slowly reels his catch in. Then they come running with their mouths open like a big mouth bass, and we give one jerk and the hook is set in their mouths. And we reel them in. They might put up a big fight, but they're hooked. They lose all idenity, as a fish being cleaned and scrapped for the frying pan.
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04/28/2008 14:36
Lilibit58
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 Well the first part was funny, but the end is not. We all don't take them to the cleaners. He must think we are manipulative.
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04/28/2008 14:51
bunny_fly
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 Just me, he has trouble understanding that when one of the little ones come out that it is still me. He thinks I play games. Both of tend to measure our identity as an extentsion of the other. I have been working on this. I think with all the changes that i have been making in the past few months he is overwhelmed, and afraid that I will not need him anymore. As I become more of my own person, and learn to take care of myself, he seem to think that I need him less. Not the truth, I just need him in a different way. Also he is running from his own issues.By my dealing with mine, he sees the need to deal with his, but does not want to. Also the explaination of way he refuses to be a part of my life here. I wish there was a way to reassure him that I have no intentions of leaving him.

Brenda
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04/28/2008 19:33
Lilibit58
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 Aww I feel badly for him. But you have to do what you have to do for you. He'll catch up when he sees you are happier. He'll want to be happier too. Have you told him you will not leave him but need him differently? Does he know why your personality changes? I think it is harder for men to deal with childhood issues since they are not supposed to cry and show they have feelings. Like whaa whaa about your childhood somehow makes them weak, which it doesn't. I guess the only way to reassure his is to tell him.

Lori
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04/29/2008 05:07
hurtwithin

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 I agree, you are making a better life for yourself and you should be getting support with that. I know what you mean about needing him in a different way and you should tell him to reassure him. I agree Lori that men just don't know how to show their feelings or it makes them weak in some way when in actual fact, it makes them more of a man.

I am happy that you are trying to work through things and I am here to help you with that. I know how frustrating it can be not to get the full support of your partner and I know that you are in that place. I think what makes it easier is that my partner went through abuse too so he knows how I feel and vice versa although we don't actually talk about what happened to us very often. I think men just need to be reassured at all times although that can be quite frustrating when we need reassurance.
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04/29/2008 05:41
bunny_fly
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 I do tell him every time he brings it up. Every time he says that I am goin g to leave, I tell him that I have no intention of doing so. That the only way I will not be a part of his life is if he leaves me. And even then he will never get a divorce, cause I will tell any judge that we can work it out. There are other things that need to be dealt with.

Brenda
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04/29/2008 07:26
amazonangelfire
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 I understand about the husband issue. I didn't open up completely till a year into the marrige, and he would get defensive about triggers I had. I hated being in a closet or small places, and he would come up behind me (without knowing) and I would break down. I finally got counseling for the issue, and I'm starting to do a lot better. He has also has sat down with me and talked about his feelings. He was scared because he didn't know how to help me, and he was also angry because of what was done to me.

Jessica
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04/29/2008 07:47
hurtwithin

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 That's totally understandable Jessica. When someone we love finds out that we got hurt, they get so angry and just want to deal with the issue. That's the man in them. I'm glad that you are getting help with things. I hope that you are finally feeling some peace.

Brenda, I can also understand where you're coming from. You love him but you want him to support you more. It's good that you talk to him. I'm happy that you're able to. I think that partners would support a little more if they had a good understanding of what we have gone through.
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04/29/2008 08:59
Lilibit58
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 Thats part of my problem. He did not suffer abuse, he just doesn't understand it at all. Thinks you can just srug it off, you can't.
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