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Mach
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Hi this is one of the few times I actually get to talk about my experience and with all the support there is in this group, Im sure I'll feel years younger. Im 24 and was abused by a close family member as a teen. I always thought there was something uniquely wrong with me, for me to be the only one to endure such an experience. I once asked my abuser y me, would you ever consider doing such a thing to my baby sister and they didn say a word. The experience all happened like a dream and once the abuse stopped I wished there were a way to cut my aused parts and get new ones. I felt cheap and dirty and I think it also affected the way I related to the rest of my family and most importantly to myself. When I had my first sexual encounter, I told myself I was a virgin, of which I was. But mental delusions helped me deal with the experience. I wished I could have been hypnotised so I would forget that entire period, but some luck for me, the memories come in flashes. I have only ever told my current boyfriend about it, getting to that point was like pulling teeth and I didn feel safe with anyone knowing my secret. When I was younger, I mentoned it to a friend, but she took it lightly. I was ashamed ans felt alone. I made me a very calculating person and I don't trust easily. All I know is I still interact with my abuser very much, we have both silently chosen to forget it...yeah ryt!!! and I only remember clearly when Im depressed. Now in my relationship I question some of my bofriend's actions and statements as they seem like they are linked to that event in my life. I m a wreck, I don't know if I healed or if I simply put it away and threw away the key. |
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glory
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Mach, I am 58 and I have never fully healed, some would say.. However, I am crazy. lol (bipolar). I am on some psych medications that keep my bipolar crazies in check, but I have just as much hate as ever....and ya know what ??? A therapist told me that that was OK! My abusers were my parents, & at age 18 I ran as fast as I could....away. I sure didn't associate with them after. When they died I didn't go to the funerals and I have never even felt sorry for their deaths....same therapist told me that was OK too. Maybe some therapy and some antidepressants could help you. Have you ever tried them? The right ones won't make you a zombie, they will help you put the abuse in perspective and the therapist will help you put it on a back burner. Not that you will forget, just so it is not paramount in your life. Don't tell me if you don't want to, but why do you still associate with this guy? If I have any regrets, it is that I did not confront my parents before they died. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SCARY AS HELL, but I regret not doing it. I know that they would have denied it, but at least I would have had the self satisfaction of telling them how I felt. Good luck to you,Mach. Follow your heart. I am here if ya want to talk or just cry together. Love Gloria
"We Know We Are Out Of Step When"
We cannot walk a straight line.
We've stepped on our brother's foot.
We forget to be thankful.
We feel alone.
We think our dance is the only dance there is.
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Mach
Posts: 27
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Thanks so much Gloria, I can relate to the pain you feel. My abuser was my Dad and where I live, one can't make off and start a new life. We have to go thru the rigorous educational process and make sure you get it right the first time. I guess Im not sure whether by putting it far far away in the back of my mind, I don't still experience its effects everyday in my life. Its a vicious cycle with so many questions and the fewest answers. I would love to sit down and talk to someone, but this is the best I can get. support and advice from you guys. Its whats avalable to me. Soon I hope to be out on my own and will start making some positive life changes. I know there are certain people I'll erase from my phonebook and my heart. I did confront one time, he wasn't sleeping with his wife and said he had some ... its too embarassing even tho its annonymous. but I guess acceptance is the first part of healing isn't it. Please give me time, I'll get the hang of it. Love Mach
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glory
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Hey Mach do you still live at home? How old are you if I may ask. It will put a whole new light on our talks if I know....cause I will be able to relate to the age and not be the old 58 yr old grandma. lol Did your mom know? Mine sure as hell did. OK, now that we're friends, how the hell are ya kid?? lolol Love Gloria Mach...there is a thread called INCEST if you want to go there & read some posts.
"We Know We Are Out Of Step When"
We cannot walk a straight line.
We've stepped on our brother's foot.
We forget to be thankful.
We feel alone.
We think our dance is the only dance there is.
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Mach
Posts: 27
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Im 24, and she's my step mom. No one in the family knew. Just me. I thot sexual abuse was the only one there. Il check it out. Im doing ok, just trying to live life the best way I know how. Its tough, I feel alone most of the time. love Mach |
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glory
Posts: 3368
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Well for right now you might be alone, in body, but you can come here in your mind and cuss that sonofabitch all ya want!! lolol (and I will too!!!!!) You are so full of shame mach I can feel it all the way here in Illinois..... WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?????????????? Oh shit don't answer that cause I felt the same damned way for a hell of a lot longer than 24 years. Do you know the dumbest thing I ever did??? Well I was married, the first time, lol, for 20 years. I never ever told him!!!! I still kick myself in the ass for that but can't go back. I am married now for 12 years, and I told this one straight up before we got hitched. Told him I have bipolar disorder and just spilled my guts. lol Well he is either a really understanding guy who loved me OR he was just desperate as hell!!!! lololol Now I have told you secrets and we are bound at the hip!!!!!!! lolololol What that means, is you have to write me when you feel alone or scareed or confused or just bored. I am here most of the time and pop in all day. I hope I am helping you, mach, if even a tiny bit. It's a start. Love Gloria
"We Know We Are Out Of Step When"
We cannot walk a straight line.
We've stepped on our brother's foot.
We forget to be thankful.
We feel alone.
We think our dance is the only dance there is.
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bunny_fly
Posts: 231
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Gloria, you are hilarious. I love reading your post, they seem to have such wit and hummor in them. I am 32, and told all 5 of the men I dated that I was abused. Didn't really go into much details, but they knew the when and whoms. There are two of which have some degree of details, one of which I am married to, the other is my best friend. He only knew because he had to deal with the nightmares, child regressions, and such. My husband on the other hand, I wanted to tell when we first got together. I had set the whole thing up ,so I could tell him. When the time came, I couldn't say a thing, only balled my eyes out. That was however the first night that I slept through the night, without waking up a million times. He still doesn't know a whole lot, but as I progress in my healing he finds more out.
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glory
Posts: 3368
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You're gettin there girlfriend...lolol Bunny, did you ever confront your abuser??? I want to talk to someone who has. That's the one thing I regret the most.....not getting in their goddamn faces!!!!!!! lolol Don't mind me....I'm crazy!!! lolol Love Gloria
"We Know We Are Out Of Step When"
We cannot walk a straight line.
We've stepped on our brother's foot.
We forget to be thankful.
We feel alone.
We think our dance is the only dance there is.
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Mach
Posts: 27
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Gloria u add a wonderfully light twist to everything and make it so much easier to talk about stuff and deal with it too. Im fortunate I never went thru the nightmare saga. All I know is I felt really dirty, but like I said , Im not sure at what state of mind I am in, I don't know if I dealt with it or simply 'moved' on. But I guess subconsciously I have issues, that y I warmed up to this site and wrote something. Deep down inside I want answers and I want closure, this is nothing I would want to ever keep rearing up as I grow older. I'd just like to put the whole mess behind me. Thats why I suggested hypnosis earlier...lol, its the easiest way to forget for good right. Anyone tried it or willing to try? |
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bunny_fly
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Gloria, I don't really know how to answer that. iet me start with an explanation of events. i was molested for two years, between the ages of 2 and 4, by an uncle, then at age 8 i was repeatedly raped by a neighbor,who was about 15, then i was messed with by a cousin who was a few years older. that said, i told my mother about my uncle. short and sweet of it he admitted to doing it and spent 2 months in jail. i did hold a phone conversation with him one day and tried to get some answers, didn't really work. i also sent him a letter, explaining that i just needed answers for my own peace of mind. never got a response. as far as the other two are concerned, i have no clue where the neighbor is, and my cousin nad i have put it behind us as inappropriate experimentation that i was not completely understanding of. he didn't know that i didn't feel that i had a choice in the matter. i was 10, he was 15, and about the only person i had that seemed to care about me.so i just went along with it as not to lose his compionship. hadhe known that was how i felt it never would have happened, as i found out when i refused to have sex with him. we actually talked it out then and there. if that helps you out any, let me know. |
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