Sexual Abuse Support Group

My earliest memories of sexual abuse are when I was three. It probably started earlier than that, because my mother had caught my father, with his hand in my cousins diaper. I was physically and emotionally abused too. My brother and I have large matching burn scars on the inside of our elbows. Obviously not an accident. My skull was fractured when I was five. I don't know how it happened.

As a small child I was told that I would be locked in the freezer to die if I told anyone. On a few occasions I remember being put in the feezer for short periods of time. It took years for me to not be afraid of the dark and I still hate to be cold. Last year my sister validated this for me. She told me about the times she had been put in the freezer. She didn't know that I had been too.

Although he tried for years he did not penetrate me until I was eleven years old. I will never forget how painful those attempts at penetration were. I learned very early to "check out". My mom also caught my father, M---, doing it with our pony. She divorced him and left me and my brother with him. I was forced to have sex with my brother so M--- could watch. My brother was also being raped by him. M--- married a woman with four kids and he started abusing her kids. My heart would ache when my 9 year old step sister would come back to bed crying in the middle of the night. Step Mother was abusive too.

I told on M--- when I was fourteen. No one believed me. The deacons from our church came over so they could pray for me because of the terrible lies I had made up about my dad. Go figure!! I was sent by bus to California to live with my mom and step father. SF would line me and my sisters up and make us lift our shirts so he could see how our "boobies" were growing. My mom thought it was cute. My step father raped me when I was 15 while my mom was out of town. I didn't tell her until I was 17 because I thought it was my fault.

My husband and I graduated high school and got married that same year so I wouldn't have to go home. We were both seventeen. Everyone said I was pregnant but I wasn't.

Post edited by: noordinaryjo, at: 04/18/2009 15:27

I'm sorry for all the things you've been through! I hope you find a place here where you can heal and leave all the pain behind. I hope you are doing well, but if not, there are plenty of people here (including myself ; )) who would be more than happy to chat with you. Hugs!!!

Thank you for caring and thanks for the hug. It is ugly and it is painful but it hasn't won yet. At times I have wanted to end it all but I'm a coward. I have prayed for deliverence from this planet but I haven't gotten the answer I wanted. So here I am struggling along, doing the best I can.

Post edited by: noordinaryjo, at: 04/18/2009 17:21

That's all we can do..the best we can with what we've got. I hope you can feel supported here. If anything reading some of the stories here you know you are not alone. It's scary to to know that that are so many men out there that appear normal to society that do this. I'm sorry no one believed you, know that we do believe you.

Thank you for sharing. We are here for you. No mater how ugly and painful it will become. I and we are here for you . I and we will be here for you for the deliverence you seek. I know you will find peace with in your self. Keep on doing what you are doing and you will find peace with in your self.

Scott

Thank all of you for believing me. I am feeling a little raw and exposed after sharing this. There's more but I lost my nerve. Hmmmm where did I leave my safe glass bubble? Sorry, I use humor to hide my vulnerability.

I know somewhere in one of the posts either here or in the rape group we discussed that "naked" feeling after you disclose something. Very normal.

That is so sad, I'm sorry. You are so brave for telling that your story. I'm very impressed. You will come to love this group and find so much support here. I know you can work through you childhood and teenage years and survive it. You will come out a stronger person than you already are.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I know how much courage and strength it took. I also know that vulnerable feeling you have after you've shared. Once again, thank you for sharing it with us.

I'm glad I got it out but I have felt a little unhinged the last couple of days. I need to get my feet back under me (were they ever??) before I leave for Texas. It is going to take all the strength I have to be in the same town where a lot of the abuse happened.