Sexual Abuse Support Group

I was abused only twice at ages 12 & 13. I knew my attacker but, and he has been sent to prison, not by me but by his other victims. I never told anyone what happened and as i said even my husband didn't know until a few days ago.

During my high school years i went through some deep depression, flash backs, nightmares, and anxiety. I wanted to tell people but the one person i could tell was dealing with her own depression at the time and i couldn't bring myself to add more stress to her life.

Now a days i have less flash backs and nightmares about the attacks, i have slightly less anxiety, but my depression comes back from time to time. Ive learned how to better deal with what happened, at least i think i have, but i still fear talking about it. I didn't even want to talk to my husband about it, that was more fear of what will it do to our marriage.

I have come quite a ways sense it happened but sense it was brought up with my husband everything has changed again. Im waking up more during the night, i feel as if things have become weird between my husband and i, and I'm feeling depressed again. (also I'm 28 weeks pregnant so my hormones aren't helping). While my husband says he loves me, tells me over and over how beautiful i am and that he would do anything for me, i feel like he doesn't want to be with me sexually anymore. 

I know its only been a few days but i just feel like its weird for us now. I also know he needs to process this himself, while I've had time to come to terms with what happened, this is all completely new for him and i know it will take time. Im just worried how long it will take him to accept it and move on, or if he ever will. I also don't want him thinking he's suddenly got to take care of me, or change how he acts around me. (he's in the military and they often tell raunchy jokes and rag on people a lot). Now he babies me and i don't like it, i wouldn't have married him if i found any comments or jokes truly offensive. I want my husband and our normal life back, i wish i hadn't told him and just continued on being silent.

Then when I was 18 I told my uncle and slowly started rebuilding my life, I suffer depression and anxiety and was belimic and had panic attacks on regular occasions but over the years I conqured belimia and panic attacks but anxiety is still a problem for me.

After over 3 months told my family I wen't to the police, being 10 years since the assult I didn't think anythink would happen but today I had a letter telling me my attacker would be charged with 14 counts of sexual assult on me, so its never to late to report anyone.

It is GOOD that you told your husband...

Now, the hard part is sitting down and talking to him about how things have suddenly seemed to change some...

Make sure that he understands that you LOVE him the way he has always been...and that he doesn't have to walk around on eggshells around you...

And another thing...it may be good for the pair of you to go together to counseling...this way you can both have someone to help the pair of you understand what you are both feeling right now...

And who may be able to give you both suggestions on how to deal with all of this...there is a lot of anger that a man will feel when he learns the woman he loves and adores was treated like this...

They need a way of dealing with that...because their gut wants to fix the problem...but most often in cases like this they just can't...

So they do the best that they can to try and show you that they are NOTHING like the person who did this...

And it could be a very good idea for you to also get some individual help...sometimes when women who have been abused have their own children, at some point down the line it can trigger odd behaviors that stem from what happened to them...

So getting this all out, discussed, and processed, could be very beneficial in the long run...

Talk to him though...keep the lines of communication open...ask him how all of this makes him feel...let him know that you feel he has changed and want and need to understand why...

Hang in there

Christine

I'm sorry about what happened to you, but I think it was definitely a good idea to tell your husband, I know when I told my boyfriend what happened to me it really helped me to start healing.

Anda, I agree with Christine, you need to talk to him and tell him that you don't care about the jokes, that you love them because they're a part of him and that he doesn't need to change how he treats you - you're still the same person you were before he knew.

But thanks for the advice. Im going to go to some therapy sessions soon to maybe work through some of my depression & anger. As for how my husband is acting now toward me is no different now than how we first met. He is very protective of me & has become more protective of me sense we talked but we are now able to act the way we did in the beginning of our relationship and i couldn't be happier about it.

We continue to talk about it, especially when i wake up from a nightmare (which seems to be happening more often now sense we talked about it). I have to say talking about it while yes it upsets me, it also helps some. I finally don't have to keep myself silent about it and getting a hug when your upset makes things feel quite a bit better lol.

Remember to TELL him how much you appreciate his support and understanding...and his patience...it is important for him to hear this...it lets him know that he is doing right by you...the more he knows this the more he will keep being like this...and it is SO wonderful...

Keep us posted...and hope all keeps going well with that pregnancy...glad to hear that you are going to get some therapy...especially with a baby on the way...

Very Proud of you sweetie!!!

Christine