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02/12/2010 06:53 AM

hey all

Tubbybear
Tubbybear  
Posts: 24
Member

I just joined this site earlier this week. I was looking for someplace to talk about stuff especially after I watched that stupid Oprah show on Monday about abusers and it triggered me wicked bad. I was angry here I was a grown man still crushed to hear about abusers and why they do it or how they are reformed and their victims have forgiven them. f that my abuser ruined my life. I will be damned if I forgive him.
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02/12/2010 07:16 AM
pirateprincess421
pirateprincess421  
Posts: 31179
VIP Member

Don't even get me going on the whole forgive and forget crap. I could rant for hours about how anyone who does what they do deserves any type of forgiveness. A bunch of BULL

02/12/2010 07:36 AM
texasgirl04
texasgirl04  
Posts: 1376
Senior Member

Welcome to the group tubbybear, looks like you have joined the right group for support. We have all been through the same thing. Feel free to join in on any of the forums. ((hugs))

02/12/2010 07:44 AM
texasgirl04
texasgirl04  
Posts: 1376
Senior Member

I have forgiven my abuser for what he did. It took me a long time to do it. But its part of the healing process for me. I will never forget what he did. It has affected my whole life but I did forgive him. I sat down and wrote a letter to him. I have never sent it but I keep it hidden. It really helped me to forgive him....

02/13/2010 12:37 AM
Philomela

The whole forgiveness thing baffles me to some extent. Everyone's situation is different. For me, I don't feel the need to forgive my brother for what he did because I've never hated him for it. For me, being angry about it would be much like being angry at the sky for being blue. It is what it is. It's a fact of life. Being angry won't change the facts and forgiving won't change the facts either. Of course, this is just my opinion regarding my situation. Everyone is different and has a right to their own feelings. What's good for one may not be good for another. I guess each person needs to do/feel what they are comfortable with. Just my opinion...

02/13/2010 06:45 AM
Irishangel88
Irishangel88  
Posts: 4941
VIP Member

I mean, forgiveness is a tricky subject.....and everybody has a different view. I haven't forgiven, but i've accepted that the guy that sexually assaulted me when I was fourteen had sickness inside of himself....drinking problems and all like that. Would the situation have happened if he didn't have the sickness? Who knows. But i'm able to seperate the guy from the sickness. His sickness victimized and assaulted me.

02/13/2010 09:00 PM
shamarie6
shamarie6  
Posts: 2805
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Hi, and welcome, Tubbybear. It's good to have you here. You have found a wonderful place to come to for support, as well as friendship. Here, we will listen to anything you have to say. Feel free to vent as much as you wish about anything you wish.

Unfortunately, I didn't get to watch the Oprah show the other day, but I did hear about it, and the fact that it did trigger a few people. Forgiveness is a very touchy subject. Some people have difficulty with the aspect that they should forgive someone that did something so horrible to them, and that is ok. Forgiveness will come WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT FOR YOU. It took me 22 years to forgive my brother for the abuse he inflicted upon me, and that was only because he had died in an accident. On one point, I was so happy that he died the way that he did(he was hit by an 18 wheeler). After it was all said and done, though, as I was walking up to his casket and could see his lifeless body laying there, he looked like the brother I should have had, yet he had aged so much that I wouldn't have recognized him had I seen him on the streets. It was that day that my miracle happened, and the weight I had been carrying all my life was lifted from my shoulders, and I actulally felt free of the hurt, anger, hatred, and the burden he put on me as a child. I was finally able to forgive him for what he had done to me. Maybe it was just the fact that he was dead, and I knew he would never again harm another child, I don't know, I may never know, and to be frank, I really don't care. The fact of the matter is, i was freed that day. I went to that funeral one person, and came away a completely different person. My spirit had been set free of the bondage he had had me in for 22 years, and I was able to mourn the brother I should have had.

There is a process to recovery, and it's a step by step process, one that will more than likely take a lifetime. Just keep in mind that when we (well, I, anyhow) talk about forgiving your abuser, it's not FOR that person, it's for YOU. It doesn't mean that you have to say,"ok, everything is fine and dandy now, we can be close friends, and act as if nothing ever happened." Forgiving someone that harmed you is so that YOU have the freedom from that person that you deserve. As long as you hold that hatred in your heart for him, and allow that hatred to control you, you are allowing him to steal a piece of your life from you. Does any of this make any sence?

Ok, enough about that. I WILL NOT PUSH THIS SUBJECT WITH ANYONE. Rest assured about that. Everyone deals with things in a different way, and that's ok, too. And it doesn't make you a bad person if you struggle with something for the rest of your life. Just know that there is always hope.

I'm so happy that you have found this site. If EVER you need anything, please feel free to send a pm. I'll do my best to help you in any way that I can.

Once again, welcome!

Sha-Marie

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