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innocentrockstar
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I don't really know where to begin so I guess I'll just start... I'm 26 and married, no children yet, thank goodness. I am a social worker and in the past year have been pretty much forced to relive my past and it's been horrific. When I was nine, I was raped by a family friend. I remember it was a long and drawn out process that happened over a few months. He'd accidentally touch me, ask me to show him things, ask for me to look at him, touch him. He wasn't an adult but an older teenager and for some reason in my mind I thought that meant that the rape was somehow not as bad. Maybe it wasn't really abuse or rape because he wasn't an adult. I know now that isn't true. Anyway, the final event happened in my parent's basement behind a pool table with them right upstairs. I didn't scream or try hard enough to get away and I will live with that guilt for the rest of my life. I haven't been the same since. I've struggled with nightmares, panic attacks, night terrors, flashbacks, and other issues ever since. As a child I couldn't sleep over friends houses because I was afraid of being away from my mom. I became clingy and afraid when I used to be confident and trusting. I have never told my family for fear of how they would react. My father, my best friend in life, would most certainly go to prison for murder. I cannot even describe the relationship we have and to find out this happened would kill him. I hide this from most people but there are a few that know. I can type this and spill my guts but I cannot say the words aloud for some reason. I think not dealing with it has truly damaged me. I entered a severely emotionally abusive relationship as an adult that I think may have resulted from this but I dont know. Sorry, I'm rambling. I just realized how much I managed to type so thanks to anyone that actually read it. T |
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lostgurl
Posts: 341
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innocentrockstar, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEEL GUILTY FOR!! ok that said, welcome to the group. and thank you for sharing your story with us. believe it or not, more women/children do not fight back or scream due to trmendous fear of what our attacker will do. hindsight is always 20/20, but when you are experiencing it as a present tense, logic goes right out the window and only survival instincts remain. i know through most of what happened to me i "played possum", i didn't move, i breathed as shallow as i could, barely blinked. i was terrified. others experience the same or disbelief/denial that it is really happening makes it difficult to process what to do in our minds. rape/molestation is one of the most stressful things to happen to a person. we as victims really need to stop taking ANY of the guilt upon ourselves. ******SEEDS OF LOVE******
written by lostgurl
Scoff not the tears of the broken man,
for ridicule breeds emotional quicksand
Mourn not the spirit of the battered wife,
for pity grows nothing in the fields of life.
Turn no deaf ear to the anguished cries,
for ignorance is not bliss if the child dies.
Reach out with compassion and lend a hand,
to renew their faith in the kindness of man.
Give them strength to break free of the chains,
of a past so wrought with heartache and pain.
Nurture their courage to rise above,
by sowing hope through the seeds of love. |
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Lilibit58
Posts: 777
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Lostgirl is right, we take too much on ourselves. This type of abuse is one of the worst assaults on the mind / body and soul of a person. We here can totally relate. I too could and would never have admitted my my abuse while my father was alive. I am his favorite child, his partner in crime so to speak (against my mother). It would have killed him to have known as he was an alcoholic when I was young and not there to protect me. So I understand your feelings, but we do learn that we are not responsibile for our parents. When I think of it with my adult mind that if it had happened to one of my children I would want to know, while I would feel that I didn't protect them, I would be more hurt that they didn't tell me and would feel badly that they suffered in silence. So I'm sure your father would be ok, but you don't realize this until you are a parent. Also for me the last event happened with others right outside. I understand your paralyzing fear. I didn't try to get away either, it was to embarrassing and just shocking...I froze. This is a survival instinct at work. Please don't feel guilty, I know it's hard not to, but over time you will know it is not your fault. I hope we can be of help, feel free to pm me if you need to. Lori
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hannah08
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Hey Innocentrockstar, welcome to the group! Just as lostgurl mentioned, you have nothing to feel guilty about. As an adult it is so much easier to think of what we should have done as a child..i don't know if you have nieces, nephews, cousins, etc. who are nine..but if it happened to them, would you blame them? Would you want them to feel guilty? Would you want them to keep it from the family and just suck it up? You were NINE..there is nothing about that situation that could be remotely viewed as your fault. I agree with Lori that your father would want to know. I know the love the your father has for you because its the same love I have for my son. I also know that I would feel extremely angry, irrational, hurt, guilty, etc. if someone did something to him but in the end all I would want is to protect him and be there for him and help him heal. It would not be about me, but about him and I would owe it to him to handle it in a way that would be helpful to him. It is time you start your healing so that your life can be fuller and less scary. I am sure in your line of work that you help so many families and kids through so much, it is time you did that for yourself. PM me anytime and know that we are here for you. hannah |
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bunny_fly
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Wow, thst sounds so much like my own situation. I was eight, and was raped many times, but it did start with him "accidently" toucning me. He woulkd help me with gymnastics and brush against things never on purpose. We were too young to even comprehend what we were doing, even if we would have said that we were willing. I know that I had no idea what I was in for. Don't believe for a minute that he didn't mean to touch you. It was grooming behavior, so that when the time was ri9ght you would not draw attention to what was going on. Lori, Hannah and lostgirl are all right, it was not your fault in any way. I also regret not telling my father about the rapes and such, before he died. He was always durnk, passed out in the back yard durring the abuse. I felt the guilt he would have felt would have been unfair, so I never said anything. Brenda |
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Lilibit58
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For me it was also very healing (in addition to freaking me out) when my daughter was the age I was when it happened. I felt it was my fault and that I should have known, but looking at her I realized that a 4 year old is too innocent and only knows what the adults teach them. I could see that I was once that innocent too and in no way could have known to stop it or that it was wrong. This is the main reason I don't blame myself anymore. |
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