about my boyfriend ADVICE NEEDED

have been with my boyfriend for nearly a year and a half. He is 22 and I am 23 years old.

I sat with his sister who is now 31 years old and were talking about her depression and therapy. I told her about a girl I knew who was raped by her older brother can make it through depression and live a normal life than anyone can. Then out of the blue ... she said... her oldest brother had sex with her when he was 16 and she was 11 or 12. They had sex several times she said. I told her it wasnt her fault. Hugged her and then she and I went our two ways to bed.

I was emotionally shaken and my boyfriend saw this. He was repeatedly asked me what she told me. Then I said well what do you think it is about?

I asked this because I didnt want to betray her trust and change dynamics in the family.

His response was "That She used to touch me when I was younger?"....

I am a college psychology major and I am going CRAZY. We obviously cried together but after that night I cant stop trying to HELP or push him towards help. I want him to see a therapist. He has to wait for health insurance in a month to make an important.

I am curious to know what advice anyone has for ME. I have been supportive and understanding but it eats at me... it honestly makes me disgusted when I see her. It kills me seeing him being nice to her. At the last holiday I saw her hug the oldest brother and I felt my stomach turn.

Let me mention that they are a Catholic "sweep it under the rug" "hush hush" type of family, so parents will not be involved.

Should I be concerned about the future? How will I know something wont trigger any of them with children?

ehhh

I have done research and read other answers.... I am well educated in this area. But this is outside of my expertise.

I am trying to fake nice to her but I know it is not sincere.

now all that was about two months ago.

But there's more...

we were having a deep conversation yesterday about how his family makes him feel like an outsider, he told me he was addicted to online porn. He said he never knew the two things were correlated until the whole secret reopened memories. He has been on a support forum and has stayed away from porn since that day he found out about his siblings and told me about him....

[b]please PLEASE I need your advice/support/comments/////// anything I feel so alone. I want to be supportive in his healing but I WANT TO PUNCH HIM. He has seen me cry and in my opinon is sincerely trying to move forward but I hurt. He can apologize but I still feel betrayed. I know he is going through something BIG and life changing and I truely want to be by his side. That is what I told him, I no longer will push you towards healing but stand next to you because this journey isnt mine.

Post edited by: heartbrokenforhim, at: 05/06/2008 17:53

Gloria

Post edited by: morningglory/oldglory, at: 05/06/2008 18:21

I am confused because I feel split... one side is the solid rock girlfriend who wants to be there to support him and another side that is full of disgust, betrayal, and anger due to the porn secret. (which he said he knows is related due to the power high he gets)

I do Love him. I do feel sad for him because I love him. Should I not show this?

If not, how can one watch thier partner suffer without feeling sad. Maybe that is a feeling that you may not understand yourself, loving a survivor who is coming to terms??? It is always heartbreaking seeing a loved one fall, anyones first instinct is to help. (I understand that is not my place though.)

He is telling me that he wants me to stand next to him. Which I plan to do.

Any thoughts about his sister? I feel so ackward around her....

As far as the sister goes......she did nothing that she wasn't taught. As for the older brother....he did nothing that he wasn't taught. These people remember all too well what happened. Sounds like they have decided the route of forgetting it ever happened. Let them have their lie until they are ready to face their truth. You are in a no win situation here. So be happy you have found love. Incest in the family is a crime to nature. We don't want to dwell on it but at times we can't help but be totally consumed by it.

Gloria

As for having children, it depends on him. Some of us want so much better for our children that we take it on as a cause to be a better parent. Some have other addiction or mental issues and abuse their own. He needs to decide what camp he is in.

It is nice that you want to help, just remember you can only support a person as they want it. Sometimes living with a sexual abuse survivor is hard, and as Gloria said we don't want pity. He can write into a support group if he wants, though it is rare for men to do so. For them it is more of a taboo than it is for women. Learning about it may help you with some insight.

Lori

As a partner of a sexual abuse survivor, I can sympathize with a lot of what you wrote. Loving a survivor who is coming to terms with abuse, or actively going through the recovery process can really be difficult. Please, please don't forget to take care of yourself - it helped me a lot to get a relationship with a good counselor of my own.

Post edited by: steveb, at: 06/22/2008 17:26

We have had a few fights but overall things are well. After a strange night *sexually* he woke up and he said "I think I might see someone".

He has been to a therapist 3 times and I havent asked questions but he seems to be happy. He did Thank me for sticking by him with support and concern. He also said it feels GOOD actually getting it off his chest! I think our sex lives have slowed down but I am guessing it will increase after his 10th and last session.

Hope all is well, We are. Have a good day!

P.S. This interview OUTRAGED ME: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v77WekmM8F8

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Scott

Yes, the interview with Sarah Palin is shocking. I think they are sinking their boat by publicizing their personal opinion on abortion.

Lori

Post edited by: Lilibit58, at: 10/18/2008 15:59

hannah