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bunny_fly
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After the last few days of screwing up everything I can, I thought that this might be a topic that we could discuss here. What I am talking about is when things are going right, and start feeling good, I start finding ways to sabotage them. Almost as if I am not deserving of the good things in life. It is not something that i do on purpose, but just seems to happen. Most recently, my marriage has been great, to the point that i was even willing to start talking to my husband abotu trying to initiatesome actions in the bedroom. (Granted, I should have known at this point that things were going to well, but thought that I would go with the flow and hope for the best.) Never made it to that conversation. Instead, I made a phone call to an old friend, he doesn't approve of this friend because he was an exbf,and was talking about my sister's situation. then to top things off, i did not tell him that I had made the call. Of course he found out about it, and I might as well as had an affair, the way he acted. That was and is the farthest thing from my mind. This is just the latest in my parade of attempts to sabotage things. I do not do these things on purpose, they just seem to happen. Why cann't I get it through my head that I deserve to be treated well? How can the thought process be changed? How do I not hold him accountable for things he was no where near when they happened? Brenda Post edited by: bunny_fly, at: 05/04/2008 13:25 |
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Lilibit58
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Well in a way you already have. Acknowledging there is a problem and recognizing it is half the battle. Do you think that you are aprehensive about the sex, so you sabotoged it so you don't have to go ahead with it. Is this exbf a regular friend or did you go out of your way to look him up? If you went out of your way you are unconsciencly sabotaging something. Brenda I think that sometimes we are so used to the status quo that to change it is scary, so scary that we shoot ourselves in the foot to not face the fact that it is us that has to change, and the only person who can change us is us. I just had this conversation with my therapist. She said she feels I put myself in this withdrawn depressed state because I cannot face my fears. I hate it, it make me unhappy, but only I can get myself out of it. So I'll ask you to think about what she asked me.."What do you think would happen if you did tell your husband the truth." Did you call the friend because you are more comfortable taking to the friend since you are no longer in an intimate relationship with him but were previously. I'm not suggesting that you want him, just that he's easier to talk to because you no long have the emotional investment. You change your thought process by thinking a positive after you catch yourself with the negative thoughts. Like telling yourself you do deserve to be treated well. Over time you do eventually start to believe it. It's like loosing weight, it is a simple process, eat less move more...but we sabotage ourselves because we can't see ourselves another way. This too is a easy process, when the negative thoughts come, change them - give yourself a new identity. I think you could thank him for staying with you even though he is being held accountable for things he doesn't do. Acknowledging to him you know you do this may help him understand better and help you recognize when you do it so that you might stop some of it. Once you do that once, you know the way. But it can't start until you let go of the fear of change. I know what you mean, I don't do this well either, but I'm trying. The other thing my therapist said was I give really good advice, I'm just not good at taking it - my own advice to others. Lori |
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mommyofsixFriend2U
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hi Brenda, I'm reading a book called Trust After Trauma.....It talks about guilt as a punishment and how we punish ourselves from something we are holding on to from the abuse. We somehow feel guilty about what happened to us. We feel as if we have some responsibility to the situation. Maybe we felt like we needed to protect someone...such as you with your sister. You have nnegative feelings about that and are probably holding on to guilt. I know that I do the same things. You talking about this has opened my eyes to the fact that I still need help in dealing with this. I havem't healed complete;y and still need to work on this issue! I used alcohol and gambling to punish myself for many years....also pushing people away!!! I didn't do it intentionally or to hurt them. I felt as if I didn't deserve to be happy and needed to create CHAOS!!!! It is something our subconscious tells us contantly. The book gives alot of questions to work through and to figure out exactly where you're at in healing. I'm also going to go back to therapy for help. I have another book called The Courage to Heal! I'm going to read that one too!!! I hope that this sparks a big discussion in the group b/c it is a great question!!! I wish I could have more answers on how to stop it! I don't know myself just yet. I will let you know what I find out from my books and theraoy. If you get any advice, please share with the rest of us. I'm very interested in this! Thank you for posting this! your friend, Chris Your Friend, Chris
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bunny_fly
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I am too intelectual. I read lots of books, and have tons of info, stored, but cannot seem to apply it to my personal situation. The friend I talked to is a regular friend. He has tlod my husband that there is no intention of anything other than a friendship there. we both have nade this clear. My hubby just thinks that I should have no male contacts. It is not proper. we did talk for some time last night. He hates the fact that he is being held acountable for these things. I told him that I do not want to hold him accountable, I understand that it is unfair to him, but was it fair that I had to be abused in the first place? Also that it is easier for him to say that i refuse to move on,it is clear to him what the who, what, and wheres are. He is looking at it from an adult perspective. Much easier to say what is suposed to be done. I have to deal with it from the adult, and child prespective. The realization that no one thought enough of me to even ask if something was wrong doesn't help.I left signs, obvious ones too.everyone wanted to lookthe other way, no one wanted to even ask if there waqs a problem. This just confirmed that I was not worth anything.I grew up with the thought that I was worthless, now that some one does care, it is not easy to believe.I ned his belief that I can be more than worthless in order to make it. His response was that it was all up to me. His opinion didnot matter. By the end of the conversation, he was willing to try.To take it on a day by day basis. i guess that is as good as i can expect. Brenda |
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bunny_fly
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Good things can happen, just not easily. Things have calmed down recently, and have gotten some better. I think I didn't want to have the conversation because i did not want to leave the status quoe. My husband and I are talking, and he actually appologized for acting like a jerk to me. He admits that he knows that I would never do anything with another man, but he cannot help wonder what this friend is up to. He also said that he does not approve of him, but that he doesn't approve of 90% of my friends, so what else is new . Even our sex life has greatly improved. I think I was afraid of enjoying myself around him. Not an easy thing to do, got punished for enjoying anything as a child, so why would I want to enjoy things now? Trying to get used to being happy but not easy. Brenda |
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Lilibit58
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I'm so glad for you  Little steps forward are wonderful things. I understand your aprehension on letting yourself be happy. One you don't know what it is...I don't either. Plus sometimes I'm so afraid that if I let my self learn to be happy the bottom will drop out and I don't think I can take that pain. But in reality if you never try you will never know what happy is. Nobody is happy all the time...just like we shouldn't let oursleves be sad all the time. So hard. But I am really glad for you that you have made some progress. I'm envious of the communication you have with your husband. I don't have that, some of it is me and some of it is just his way. I think I choose him because I didn't want to face some things and he won't make me. Now I don't want this. Good sex. I think that is all about open communication. The more you feel open and trust someone, the better it gets. Lori |
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hannah08
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Hello Brenda! I think that it is wonderful that you are opening yourself up to the idea of happiness. I know that it is such a hard concept to grasp because of our past experiences but we deserve it. Good to hear about the sex too. My husband and I aren't having sex right now so it makes me feel really good to know that one day I may actually be able to enjoy it. I am very happy about your progress hannah
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lostgurl
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personally i don't see that you did anything wrong. you should be able to talk to anyone without fear. you are married, not a prisoner. so the person you called was an exbf. i am still friends with my exhusband, even my current husband is friends with him. maybe you do sabotage some of your happiness but i think in this case your hubby is the one who needs to do some soul searching. he needs to work out his trust issues. i am not putting him down at all. not saying anything bad about him. just suggesting you go a little easier on yourself. it is a wonderful thing to search within yourself to find ways to improve yourself and your life. just be sure you are actually looking within and not at something someone else needs to work on. hugs to you. i hope you can find every bit of happiness you deserve ******SEEDS OF LOVE******
written by lostgurl
Scoff not the tears of the broken man,
for ridicule breeds emotional quicksand
Mourn not the spirit of the battered wife,
for pity grows nothing in the fields of life.
Turn no deaf ear to the anguished cries,
for ignorance is not bliss if the child dies.
Reach out with compassion and lend a hand,
to renew their faith in the kindness of man.
Give them strength to break free of the chains,
of a past so wrought with heartache and pain.
Nurture their courage to rise above,
by sowing hope through the seeds of love. |
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bunny_fly
Posts: 231
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I think every one that knows my hubby would agree that he has trust issues. It is not putting him down, just the truth. He has been hurt a lot himself. He did appologize for being an ass. He cann't help but think that the exbf is going to try something. As I told him before, "his dick isn't that big and even if it was, I wouldn't want anything to do with it." I am trying to let the happiness in. I just recieved the message that I wasn't worth it from more than source/direction, thus making it harder to accept. Lori, you are right, I am afraid that the bottom will fall out. There has been so much negative associated with happiness that I cann't see it any other way. I am willing to try, but it might take some time. Brenda |
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lostgurl
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yet another topic i wrote a poem about because i feel the same way. hope you don't mind but sometimes poetry is the only way i can relate my thoughts ---------------------------------------------------------- looking to the stars above wounded with the scars of love unable to live for the here and now i want to but i don't know how ashes of past, they cloud my eyes to any hope within the future lies each of life's treasures has had its curse so i walk away before it becomes worse forever trapped within my cell of tears, of broken dream and a life of fears ******SEEDS OF LOVE******
written by lostgurl
Scoff not the tears of the broken man,
for ridicule breeds emotional quicksand
Mourn not the spirit of the battered wife,
for pity grows nothing in the fields of life.
Turn no deaf ear to the anguished cries,
for ignorance is not bliss if the child dies.
Reach out with compassion and lend a hand,
to renew their faith in the kindness of man.
Give them strength to break free of the chains,
of a past so wrought with heartache and pain.
Nurture their courage to rise above,
by sowing hope through the seeds of love. |
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Post Reply Quote |
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