Sexual Abuse Support Group

From the time I was a child I could feel that I was a sensitive soul. I felt my pain and the pain of those around me, as well as their joy with an intensity that still blows me away. I was (I believe) inappropriately touched at a very young age, and had an encounter with a much older man in his 50s when I was around 12. As a teenager, I was promiscuous and was drawn to that kind of attention. I loathed that person. She occasionally rears her head, but I force her down, but hate myself for having those urges.

I have terrible panic attacks sometimes where I cannot function and the walls close in. Only Xanax seems to help, and not all the time. I want to cut myself and already have, but it has been awhile. Physical pain seems to help somehow.

I am on the PTA. I have two small kids and a loving husband, and I feel like he is losing faith in me, and I am living a lie (depending on the day)

I am going to therapy but am riddled with guilt (I am not sure why) like I am a big fat fake.

I want to curl up and die some days.

But I want to have the option of coming back just in case.

I'm glad this option does not exist- I think I'd be gone already. Please talk to me- tell me something to help me to start healing.

My story sounds pretty much like yours, I dont have an answer, but i am here if you need to talk..... Huggs

Donna, are you saying that there is another person in your head that has those urges, or are youy just giving the feeling its own identity, so as to distance it from yourself?

Brenda

I have that terrible side of me too so you're not alone in that. I find I'm okay as long as I stay in my little coccoon at home with my kids. That's the only place I feel 'safe' from that other side of me. We are all here if you need to talk sweetie okay. If you're more comfortable PM me if you like.

Oh, I still have those feelings too. I have to rationalize them away - I don't know why it's like that. I really don't want the bad feelings that come with it.

Welcome to the group I hope your better today.

Being promiscous goes with the territory unfortunately. You really should be seeing a pdoc and put on a antidepressant. That would help tremendously. Because you have been traumatized you body is chemically out of wack so don't be ashamed of going to a pdoc. They are there to help you, there's no reason for you to suffer the way you are. If you control you sexual feelings than you have nothing to be ashamed of we all get them. Good luck and pm me anytime you need to talk privately.

I made a mistake in my wording. Having a high sex drive goes with the territory unfortunately.

Being promiscous is a common side effect as well. Those boundries have been totally wiped out, therefore there is no knowledge of what is and is not healthy.

Brenda

It still makes me feel dirty. I had such a bad day to day. I feel like I am flashing back. I cannot remember pictures in my head, but scents, and feelings. I want to cry. I was driving the kids home from school today, and they were screwing around in the back seat, and my heart was pounding. I put the air conditioner on but could hardly breathe. These days come and go but since I can't predict when they come, I end up really messed up and tired once its over. I am looking around the house and there is so much to do, and I just want to curl up and stay that way for a couple of days...

I'm glad there's a reason for it, and I don't act on it, but I feel ugly for even thinking such things.

Donnab, sometimes what helped me when I got in that state was to sit down and make a list of what I had to focus on. What had to be cleaned, even if it was Monday - bathrooms. I had to write down - play with kids at..... It kept me here and from flashing back. when I put them down for a nap or when they eventually went to school I allowed myself some "heal me" time when I'd write about what happened or just would think about it. When the time was up I went back to my list. This process got me out of the slumps most of the time. Not all the time, but most of the time. When I couldn't get myself up I bought a book on healing from sexual abuse. when they wasn't enough I'd make that call to the therapist. It is so hard to fight the depression.