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04/13/2009 10:37 AM

Survivor

noordinaryjo
 
Posts: 70
Member

A lot of the time I don't feel like a survivor. I feel like I am slowly having the life sucked out of me. My earliest memories of sexual abuse are when I was three years old. I have a difficult time making friends...trusting friends...which leaves me lonely for friendship. I do have a great husband who is very supportive. And I've been to years of therapy. Five years ago we moved to a tiny town where the closest therapist is three hours away. I hate having no one to talk to about my daily struggles, to keep my head above water. Shocked

Post edited by: noordinaryjo, at: 04/13/2009 10:38

Post edited by: noordinaryjo, at: 04/13/2009 10:39

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04/13/2009 12:04 PM
Lilibit58
Lilibit58  
Posts: 1556
Senior Member

Welcome to the group noordinaryjo. I used to hate the word "survivor". I wanted to be normal. I've learned to accept that this is my life and it's up to me how I live it. I too have a difficult time with friends, trust may always be an issue, but it won't change unless I change it. For me one thing was I assumed people could tell when they can't. I pushed them away, so I'm trying to see it that way and stop pushing. Feel free to pm me. We here understand those daily struggles Smile

04/13/2009 04:50 PM
noordinaryjo
 
Posts: 70
Member

I am trying to give up the fantacy of being 'normal'. I know I am different. Sometimes that's not a bad thing. I do hate not fitting...square peg...round hole type stuff. It's weird to be my age and still be struggling with abuse issues. Somehow I thought that at some magic time in my life all would become peaceful and 'normal'. Dealing with dr's and meds has become soooo frustrating. I could scream but no one would listen. I will perservere. Lifes not all bad. It's April 13th and it is snowing. Silly

04/13/2009 05:03 PM
Lilibit58
Lilibit58  
Posts: 1556
Senior Member

What age? I know I feel that being my age of 50 I should just be able to shake it off and be just fine. We'll I won't. I am close I think to assimilating my memories, I don't have flashbacks anymore though i do have some panic when I get triggered, but it is not anywhere near what it used to be. I cry when sad so my feelings are reconnecting, which is weird for me. We learn to cope productively and manage the PTSD symptoms. Life can be good with little interferences from the past - eventually I felt like I am not different that everyone else. I just have different experiences.

Snowing, It's done snowing here I hope. Right now I've got rain.


04/13/2009 05:31 PM
noordinaryjo
 
Posts: 70
Member

I am 51. I try to be my own cheerleader but sometimes depression gets the best of me.

Post edited by: noordinaryjo, at: 04/13/2009 17:37


04/13/2009 05:33 PM
rmm164
rmm164  
Posts: 2316
VIP Member

Hi, noordinaryjo. Welcome. When you said you had to give up the fantasy of being normal something hit me. I think when I did that, when I stopped trying to live my fantasy of what I thought "normal" was, that's when I started actually feeling normal. Or maybe not normal but whole and free. Like Lilibit said, I just have different experiences. I'm still working on it but I'm getting there, growing and feeling whole and free and like a survivor.

04/13/2009 05:50 PM
noordinaryjo
 
Posts: 70
Member

Thank you rmm164Cheerful I think we are the ones that are normal and everyone else is whack-o. At least we look at our feelings and explore our mental health issures. I only bury my head every once in awhile. I hate it when sand gets in my ears.Grin

04/14/2009 10:20 AM
taurus
taurusPosts: 2893
Senior Member

Hello,I try to feel like a survivor but don't feel like that very often. I just started therapy to deal with my PTSD, so I've got a long way to go. Welcome to the group. I'm new here also. I'm kind of afraid of this site because I'm scared of dealing with the past.

04/14/2009 11:04 AM
noordinaryjo
 
Posts: 70
Member

Dealing with the past is scary. There are so many layers of pain, caused by jerks that were not capable of thinking of anyone but themselves. There have been times when I didn't think I could trudge through one more memory. I sometimes get to believing that every rock has been turned over and then I slam into a huge boulder. I had a really good therapist who walked with me through years of boulders and pain. Not so now. I now live in a tiny town that doesn't have therapists or psyc's. I miss having someone to talk to. I have to drive 3 hours to see my pshc all for 30 minutes of his time. He can't even remember which meds I'm on from visit to visit.

Hang in there, it will all be worth it. PM me anytime you want. I wish you peace and comfort and love!


04/14/2009 11:13 AM
HiddenButterfly
HiddenButterfly  
Posts: 4908
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

I have wanted to be normal most my life, but knew I was different. During high school, I actually tried to be different. Iaccepted the fact that I was different and tried to expand upon the idea. It did not make me feel any better, so I went back to wanting to be normal. At this point, I would agree with you that we are the normal ones. We are normal, reacting normally, as anyone would, to very screwed up situations. It may feel that we are different, but that is just the abusers talking. Learn to accept yourself as you are and then you will see that there is no real standard of normal. Each person is normal, for their own circumstances. Welcome to the group.

Brenda

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