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Relationship with past abuser


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07/02/2008 15:57
cappymuir
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 CumbaCat- well, it was not very easy to get to my state of forgiveness and letting go. Many years of counseling with the wrong therapist did not help. I had a nervous breakdown and my past played a big part in why I went down. I was not here (life was sleeping). I finally found a couselor that listened to what i was saying and let me process my issues and not being told what to do. I also had to see a purpose to why I had suffered such a demeaning abuse. I found that it made me strong and able to help others that were suffering with the same issue i have been throuhg or other issues that i couod feel empathy for. Once I found that it gave me power of self and not such a bad thing, I began to heal. I still have issues of feeling like that 6 year in certain circumstances and people can take advantage of my charitable nature. I learned how to take back the power that was taken from me and put it to good use. Self esteem started to grow and many area's that were poor in my life began to grow to. i value myself more and look forward to new challenges and learning new coping skills. One important thing I have to keep in my mind is "that I can't let the things I can't change take control over my lfe and put me under" I have to deal with the things I can change and make the right choices that will improve my life.
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07/02/2008 18:27
CumbaCat
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 Hi Cappymuir, thank you for posting. Actually, I used to feel that way - as far as thinking I could help others and taking the positive out of something so negative. Maybe I am just in a slump right now or something because it's very hard to think that way lately. My boyfriend and I broke up about 6 weeks ago and he told me during one of our last conversations that the worse part of our relationship, was how I was not as intimate as other women he has had relationships with and how it made him feel like he could not please me. I normally welcome criticism, but I feel so bad about this...I guess because it's true. I just don't see it getting any easier. I was going to go to a speed dating event last week but I didn't; nor do I see myself being able to date because now I have this over my head. I know I have trouble with certain things. I don't know. It's so hard and I am so sick of not being "normal".

I like what you said at the end - sort of like the serenity prayer. Maybe I will just say that over and over until I believe it. thanks again for understanding. I'm glad you are doing better. Take Care God Bless


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07/03/2008 04:57
Lilibit58
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 Hi Cappy,

Nice to hear from you again

You are right, we have to let go for us and stay in the here and now. I'm glad you can get to this point for you, I have forgiven the man who abused me for some of the same reasons. I thought of him as a torchered person who was mentally ill. He probably was abused himself and this was how he coped, not that it is ok, I would never do that - can't understand it at all, but he is not me, and I am not him. I am impressed that you can be in contact with them and talk to them. This I could never do. The fear that he would trick me again has never gone away. Trust is the issue. I will never trust him because he had never appologized at all and I would need to feel that he understood what it did to me. This I will never get from either of my abusers.

I hope your current problems are on the mend/recovery.

Lori
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07/03/2008 05:19
Lilibit58
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 Cumbacat, we all struggle with the intimacy issue. I lost many relationships because of it. My husband puts up with me because he is a very strong person and can rely on himself some of the time. Though it is a lonely relationship for me, since he will never understand. Catch 22 - he lets me be but I will not grow this way. I have to be pushed and he'll never push.

Lori
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07/03/2008 06:26
cappymuir
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 CumbaCat- I think that we are normal. There is so much abus that goes unreported in this time and age still. Can you get pass the abuse and see what the itamacy issue is? I know mine had to due with the fact that i felt aroused when i was abused and I felt guilty about it, even though I was not in control. How could a child want to be aroused, yet this guilt stayed with me until I understood that it was natural and my body reacted no matter what age I was. Then not being ashamed helped. I also had to deal with BP issues that affected my sexual activities and learning about arousal in my body. It is very hard to be sexaully together when your body gives mixed signals from guilt to wnating more activity. This brought alot of shame on how I felt about myself for many years. Looking at yourself and understanding more about the physical needs and not looking at it from the survivor of abuse has helped me alot. I still have issues with certain aspects of needs my hubby wants, that I don't like to do. It will become easier, but like everything else in life you have to learn a coping skill that will work for you.
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07/03/2008 09:27
Lilibit58
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 I agree here. I could have written what you wrote - guilt over liking how it felt. Even though I did learn that that is a normal response and it should feel good I still have lingering issues. I have that shame and other childhood issues to deal with. And yes learn a coping skill but one that is not something you hide behind. Like having a code word that means stop I'm having a problem and of course a respectful partner who listens.
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07/03/2008 20:05
hannah08
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 Well to kind of play catch up. Yes I am still in contact with my abuser. I see her every time I go home. I am not really sure how I feel about her whether I forgive her or not..no one in my family would ever suspect anything though because there is not any apparent tension between us. She called me yesterday out of the blue which really bothered me. I believe in forgiveness but my problem right now is that I have had to hide my feelings for so long about her, I am not sure what they are? I don't hate her or dislike her, I don't wish her any ill will but I would rather not see her or be around her. I am not angry with her just disturbed by her. I guess that is not forgiveness then.

As for the intimacy issues, yes I have a lot of those. My husband is very understanding but I still tend to shut him out. The guilt and shame I feel are very real and very deep and I guess they take a while to get over. So cumbacat, I agree with cappy, we are normal. What you are experiencing is very normal. Give yourself time to heal.

hannah
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07/04/2008 07:30
Lilibit58
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 I think of it as you are having a normal reaction to a abnormal experience. Your mind will protect itself to protect you, we get stuck in survival mode. When you get to a safe place in your life you don't need to survive anymore so it all comes out as you can handle it. Leaving go of the way we've learned to live is hard - we don't know anything else. I have accepted this but I still struggle with trust and my walls. They protect me, what would I do for protection without them?

Hannah, with the one that raped me at 17 I am where you are. I don't hate him, wish anything bad on him and the like. I have to think of him like he's dead. That way I can cope. I have forgiven him in part but it would be stupid to trust him again. Of course your disturbed by her, she does disturbing things. You haven't let go of that last peice because you are not stupid. Why should you she has not admitted she was wrong. If that ever happens then you can let go of the that. I'm glad you could talk to her and hope your brothers wedding is better for you without the stress.

Lori
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07/07/2008 17:20
CumbaCat
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 Thanks Hanna, Thanks Lori - it means a lot that you can understand.

Hanna - I think you can forgive someone, and still be angry with what they did or like you say, feel disturbed. Forgiveness is when you can stop hating someone for something they did. It's a feeling that you can create and only you and God have to know about it really...at least that's what I think.

I feel like such a 'downer' or something. I'm usually the one looking on the positive side of everything. I think it's cuz of my break up and Charlie telling me how bad it made him feel that I wouldn't want him or let him touch me in certain ways. It makes me so sad - even though it was a mutual breakup, I almost want to go back to 'make up' for what I did wrong or something. I don't even want to start a new relationship cuz then I have to worry about 'what happens when it's time to be intimate'? I think I'm just in a slump and need to start dealing with these issues instead of pushing them off. I too need to work on the forgiveness part of it. I thought I had forgave at one point, but if I think about it now, I know I haven't. Be well all / God Bless.


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07/07/2008 19:07
hannah08
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 Cumbacat, I do think you need to take some time and just work on you. Breaking up is hard and not usually that easy to get over so give yourself some time to heal from that. If you think you are ready to start dealing with some issues then go for it. If not don't push yourself just to please someone you are not even with yet. Deal with it because you are ready and want more for you--you deserve it.

hannah
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