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Relationship with past abuser


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02/03/2008 03:10
cappymuir
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 Does anyone still have contact with the abuser from their past?

My first inital abuser is my step father from 5-9.

My second abuser was my real father at 19-21.

I still see both of them. As an adult I learn that I have more control over that relationaship now then when it happen. I also was able to forgive, which i know most people have a hard time doing. I look at this way it is an illness they both have and I don't want to hold onto that pain for the rest of my life.

Recently, I was reunited with my father and that side of my family after 17 years of no contact. I went trough years of agony wanting to know my brothers and if they were alright. Then When I found out more about bipolar and realized that my father and myself share the same problems. I understood the issue from the past and let it go.

When I first came back and talked about the past, I pretended to not remember what happened in the past and told them it is in the past and let it stay there. We are here and now and we need to create what our relationship will be in the future. To be frankly, in the past few months of spending time with them, i have had more emotional support thatn I have ever had and it is very nice to have some that undertands.

Just because I could past the pain does not mean what they did is right. It was my choice to forgive and go on to a better state of mind on this issue for the rest of my life.

Others friends and family think I am crazy and that they could never forgive and it makes me laugh inside because that is all God asked us to do. He will be the displicner in the here after and take care of the wrongs in this life. So when others that believe the same have a hard time forgiving something that literally did not happen to them, it does not make sense to me. Cappy
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02/04/2008 14:27
Lilibit58
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 I do not have contact with my abusers but do with one's family. They pop up now and again and it freaks me out everytime, though each time, because I end up in counseling I am better. I think forgivness is up to you, if the person is sorry and you are able to re-establish a relationship then that is probably the best thing mentally. I really believe that the secrecy is the most harmful part. I had to forgive my abuser in counseling, otherwise I would never be normal. The uncontrolable sobbing everytime his name came up needed to stop. I believe my ex-boyfriend the rapist, is also bipolar. Which makes it hard to hate him for it, since I know he can be so gentle natured and sweet. I know his guilt over cheating on me let to this, along with his drug abuse, but it is still no excuse to me. Even someone bipolar is responsible for their behavior. A month after he called me for my birthday, all I wanted from him was a heartfelt 'I'm sorry". I would have been soooooo much better off if he had. I understand facing his guilt is harder for him, but I guess I was done giving him excuses.

I'm glad that you can move forward, though it could all come out again. Hopefully, you will all talk it out then. You are lucky to have it in the open and achieved forgivness. Life is too short to spend it in pain.
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02/04/2008 21:10
cappymuir
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 Lilibit58- I hope that I don't have to deal with personal issues again with my family. I do know that it does come back to me in flashes and feelings that bring memories. I really hate the bad dreams I get from them.

My father ( bipolar) has a very different meomry of what happened those many years ago and my step-mom chooses to believe that I made up that reality and can't get pass it, because someone else that was bipolar told her that we live in other realities sometimes and don't come out of it. What do you think about this? Cappy
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02/05/2008 08:17
Lilibit58
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 Well, I do believe that bipolar does distort memories, but there is always a shread of reality in it. Like being molested is not the fictional part. Maybe how you relate to it comes from the bipolar, but not that it happened. It depends if you were up or down when it happened, I think. If you were not triggered yet, it could be the molestation trigged the disease. The boyfriend who raped me has a different memory of what happened too. I think he cannot deal with the guilt so his mind makes up some other reality that he can deal with. When he met someone else (mind you some one who my own mother mistook for me and my friends said was like me wearing a different head) he called me. Was grateful for me breaking up with him because now he had something so much better...it relieved his guilt see he didn't do anything wrong he got something he imagined into something better. This could be why you were able to forgive so easily too. So it, the bipolar, can be good thing and a bad thing. Basically, I think you can deal with it when you are in your normal state, but should leave it alone when you are manic or depressed. Usually someone bipolar knows when they are going into those states. I wouldn't let them use it as an excuse for what he did, even someone bipolar has to take responsiblity for their actions.

I was molested over 40 years ago, and I am not bipolar, and I have not "COME OUT OF IT" yet. Sure it doesn't effect me daily, but it did warp my personality forever and my ability to have normal relationships with others, especially intimate ones.

I hope the nightmares will subside. Have you sought counseling? Do you have medication for the bipolar? If you keep working at it they will go away, mine did. I have clear memories of what happened, took a while to get them back, it was after I stopped trying to repress them I got them back and things for me are much better at least with that issue.

I'm leaving for Arizona and Mexico this afternoon, will be back Tuesday. So I won't be responding, just in case you wonder where I went it you write. Have a great week.
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02/15/2008 05:35
TeainTN
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 I read this post a couple of days ago and couldn't not relate to having to see your abuser. Then last night my husband and I went out to dinner to celebrate our anniversry. there was a waiter who look exactly like the guy who raped and abused me 19 years ago. I know it couldn't be him because he would have aged and he is living in california but it was the strangest feeling ever. I felt so afraid even though I was with my husband who would probably kill the guy if he ever saw him and I'm in the middle of a crowded resturant. I don't see how you guys deal with with it, your very strong women!!
There is a light at the end of the tunnel -- but it's a train about to run over you.
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02/15/2008 14:03
Lilibit58
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 I have not seen my abuser, just his family, which triggers the memories and throws me into depression. I've learned to just go before it gets too bad. Believe me, if I saw him I would probably freak out, cry or basically look like I'm loosing it. When I run into these people and they mention him I have to be stoic and not respond. I'm sure I look like an idiot but I just can't respond or the uncontrollable sobbing will start again. But like you know yours is in California I always know where mine is also. I make sure I don't go there. The other one is dead.
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02/22/2008 06:51
TeainTN
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 There are some others who have raped me but I don't know their names. If I ever ran into them I don't know what I would do. probably jsut leave asap. Oh, it's making me sick to even think about it but I guess it's better to be prepared, if that is possible.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel -- but it's a train about to run over you.


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06/18/2008 16:44
CumbaCat
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 Hi Cappy - I really think it is great that you are doing well. You are right to forgive. I think it's hard for people to understand how you could forgive (especially people who have not been abused in some way) because your first, gut reaction is to hate the offender and want to hurt them in some way....and that's normal too. I envy you actually. I do think of 'what will happen if I ever run into Joey or Randy'...and I don't think of being nice to them in any way, to be honest with you. I have a lot of pain built up inside and to this day I am effected by what they have done to me. How did you start your healing?

PS thanks for sharing your story / God Bless


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07/02/2008 15:40
jfinner1
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 Hello! I'm pretty new here, but I saw this post, and I just had to reply. I've do not have any contact with my abuser, but right now that's easy because he's still in jail. My abuser was my step father of sorts, and I share his last name. I still keep in a lot of contact with that side of my family, and it doesn't bather me right now, but I'm not sure how any of us are going to react when he gets out of jail. I can't picture going to a family reunion and eating punch and pie with the man that molested me for 2 years of my childhood. My biological father, who is now my legal step-father (long story) has talked to me on numerous occasions about changing my last name back to my birth name, but I won't do it because I don't want to cut myself off from that part of my family. But I still don't feel that I can have any contact with my abuser, even though that part of my family is great. I really don't know how you do it. Kudos.
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07/02/2008 15:47
cappymuir
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 Sorry- I have not been active for awhile. Have had alot of personal issues come up and deal with. I have been around both of my past abuser's even though this sounds insane, I have forgiven them both and my life has change alot(not thinking constantly about the hurt and pain with the guilt I use to carry on my shoulders. It will be very hard to be around him when he gets out and the effort to maintain your connection with your famli8y will become estranged if you don't find a solution to dealing with contact with your abuser. I am so glad to be rid of the guitl and glad that I know that I am being merciful and charitible towards these poor loss souls It is not my place to judge and God will do the punishing for thier abuse to me. I know that I may be very different than most surivors of abuse, but it has been a long recovery to saneness for me. I have to deal with here and now. I have plenty of other problems now, then to let the past interfere.
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