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03/02/2012 08:37 PM

i think i was molested, help please?

london88
Posts: 6
New Member

hi

i have recently started thinking a lot about my childhood, and a few memories i have which i have always pushed to the back of my head have started to bug me a lot more now.

until now i have dealt with this just fine, i even forgot at times, but now I've been having emotional issues, anxiety issues, anger issues and just recently it developed into issues in my sex life which brought me back to these bad memories.

1) when i was about 7, i remember being at my brothers friends house. the boys were all playing (they were 1 year younger) and the older brother of 1 boy offered to read to me. i think he was a teenager. i sat on his lap, and i remember him slipping his finger under my skirt and into my underwear, and touching me. i remember not knowing what to do and when he removed his finger i didn't know what to say and was too scared to say anything. i even thought i had imagined it, which to this day i still question (i have had other instances where i day dream or confuse real memories with things i imagined)... i remember having a small crush on the teenager which make me think maybe i imagined it all. but i dont see why i would, at such a young age.

2) after that happened, i became a lot more sexually aware. i remember starting to masturbate at a young age, which i just considered a growing up a little too fast, but having read symptoms of sexual abuse here, I'm starting to think it might all be interlinked.

3) i have another memory that to this day i wish i could forget. when i was younger, my brother and i were sharing a bed at my grandfathers house, and i asked him to touch me 'down there'. i remember he got a pen, and tried sticking it down there. it wasn't done in a sexual way, it felt more like experimenting, but he is 1 year younger than me and i feel like this was my fault. we have never spoken about it, and i dont know if he even remembers it, but i just wonder if it might be related to memory 1.

as a whole, I've been generally successful in life. i have great friends, a great boyfriend, a great job. i do have anxiety issues though and suffered from depression a year or so ago, (many issues happened at once and i couldn't deal with it - nothing directly related to the memories). the thing is, I've noticed my thought patterns are a lot more screwed up and i worry if what happened before (or what i THINK happened) might have caused all of this? little by little?

i have had strange behaviours as a teenager growing up, which I'm not proud of and am embarrassed by:

- I've been quite stalkerish in the past, and taken photos from a guy i liked's house.

- i used to be very involved in 'cyber sex' as a teenager (13-14) and would log onto chat websites just for that purpose

- i am almost obsessive compulsive and can spend hours obsessing over somebody and stalking them

- i have hacked into my boyfriends emails and read them

etc etc

while in the past i could deal with a lot of these things, recently i feel like i want to get to the bottom of it, to get over it. but i dont want to be telling people i got molested if i didn't. i am scared i imagined this all along..

the guy who i remember touching me, is a family friend, and is now in his late twenties/early thirties in a long term relationship. he does volunteer work with children. only recently did i think about it and wonder if he could still be molesting kids? and maybe i have a duty to say something? but he was a teenager when it first happened and maybe it was a real accident/mistake that he regrets, and he himself is trying to make amends BY helping children?

or again, maybe none of this ever happened and its all in my head.

i dont know what to do. i am so confused. writing this up is one of the scariest things I've done in years as it makes it all feel more real when its something I've tried to ignore for so long.

Sad

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03/03/2012 08:57 AM
Irishangel88
Irishangel88  
Posts: 4941
VIP Member

I respect you for getting it all out in the open and wanting to get better and get to the bottom of your behavior. Do you scare yourself when you are exhibiting the stalker like behavior? I usually don't say this........but if you don't have a therapist it might be a good idea to get one. We can help and we can support but we can't actually be in front of you telling you that something is a bad idea one on one at home, you know?

03/03/2012 10:36 AM
london88
Posts: 6
New Member

I don't really act stalkerish any more. it was when i was a teenager, i'd have a crush on somebody, and imagine a whole relationship, and become engrossed by it. But this was in a completely harmless way to that person.

It's more that nowadays looking back, i am very embarrassed with how i behaved?

i also know i have an ocd type behaviour in terms of tidiness/things going my way/controlling my life. but this has never fly involved/affected others. sorry if my original post made it seem that way. a lot of the big issues i listed are things i did in the past.

the biggest effect i have right now is just being quite emotional and anxious.

i guess what i was hoping to find out is if it's common to not be 100% sure it happened? I'm scared this is something I've made up to myself, to feel like a victim, but i dont think it is.

I also have done well in life despite this, I'm a strong person I just have a few weak moments. I just want to figure out how to manage those weak times better if I can really understand where they come from.

I've been really tempted to do CBT, but therapy itself seems very unstructured and daunting and not my cup of tea,

Any information about your experiences would be great. This isn't something that affects my day-to-day life, as I've lived with it in the back of my head for such a long time... it's just something i want to make sure won't come back to haunt me... if that makes sense?

Really appreciate taking the time to read my post, because I'm not exactly concise!! And thank you for welcoming me in your group. I just don't feel ready to say what I think happened out loud, to a doctor or anybody really.


03/03/2012 05:55 PM
Irishangel88
Irishangel88  
Posts: 4941
VIP Member

It is possible for your brain, your mind to try to protect you and say that it didn't really happen. but what you've told me from the way it affected you, obviously i'm not a doctor but from my experiences with child abuse in my life and the two sexual assaults i've survived, it does sound like you've had some trauma in your life.

03/03/2012 06:32 PM
london88
Posts: 6
New Member

thanks irish angel! really appreciate you reading this and not judging me.

just reading through all the discussions in the group is helping me realise I'm not the only person who has gone through something like this.

i realise as well that many people suffered constant abuse in life, and are doing well, so that is reassurance for me that things can be fine. they have gone through a lot more than me and shown strength, so i should be doing the same.

Smile


03/03/2012 06:40 PM
Irishangel88
Irishangel88  
Posts: 4941
VIP Member

I promise you, I swear to you that you will NOT find ANY judgement here.....we aren't that kind of group.
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