Sexual Abuse Support Group

I am a survivor of childhood molestation. My step brother used all tatics to keep me quiet...and it wasn't until I was put in foster care that I disclosed about him. He recently got out of prison and is now only 5 mins from me!...he doesnt know it...he doesnt know where ive been or anything...my information is kept quiet. At the age of 14 I was raped by a childhood "friend" some friend he turned out to be that started my cutting and Od's and withdrawl from the human race. Then at 18 I met a guy in PA ...and for years he beat on me...verbally and emotionally assualted me...and then forced himself on me sexually MANY MANY times...the courts didnt want to do anything cause they didnt look at spousal rape. Finally I made him leave ...moved away from him completely...he has no knowledge of where me and his son are....he is only allowed supervised visits BUT has never taking up on them. Then my next boyfriend would take advantage of me in my sleep...i was heavily medicated...but i did catch him a couple times...Im out of that 5 year relationship now...BUT because of all the sexual I am so ashamed of myself...I hate how i look...I despise being out in public...I trust really noone...anyways here goes...

Mlafou

Welcome to the group! So glad that you had the courage to post...

One way or another, we are all in this together...

Pick your head up...no need to be ashamed of yourself...even tho you knew things were wrong...because of how you conditioned when you were younger, had a great influence over how you managed through your adult life...

Now it is time to focus on YOU...and of course your son...but really time to pick up the pieces...and take back control over your life...and find the strength that you possess within you...because it is there...

Have you taken any steps to start healing yourself? This is very important, because even tho our adult minds know that certain things are wrong, when we are abused in such ways, that part of our minds that stepped up and enabled us to cope tend to take the lead...and sometimes that may not be healthy...BUT it is what we know...

You are here with us now...so that is a HUGE step...Knowing that you are not alone always helps. Learning to understand how these things have effected you and making the right changes is hard to do alone...so just keep in mind we are here for you...

Post as you feel comfortable...PM if you prefer...what ever makes you feel OK is just fine...

Again, Welcome

Christine

Im not sure what you mean by help. I have been in and out of counselors...i have been on and off medications...ive been in survivors groups....BUT nothing helps the way i feel...with counselors...i know what they are going to say...when i was in foster care they had me in a hospital for over 2 years ...theres nothing that a counselor can tell me that i dont already know...its the applying it that i have MAJOR issues with...i get to feeling maybe i did deserve all that...maybe i did give my ex husband reasons to beat on me...and then take what he wanted sexually. I didnt do anything to stop it at the time...and he knew he could just keep doing it cause NOONE was going to stop it...and least of all me...my ex boyfriend...he was something else...i trusted him...I believed in him...I praised him to folks about how understanding he was about the sexual stuff....and then i woke up to his hand on mine...with my hand on his well..you know...and that wasnt the last time i caught him...I asked him why he did that...and he said cause he thought it would feel good....UGH!!!!! I think im destined to have abusive...idiots for relationships.

I get why your scared. That makes sense to me. I think you just need to give us a chance though.....I think there's something magical about MDJ, about these groups.......there's something that works. I know we need to prove ourselves to you, and every other abuse survivor in there, and I can promise you that we do. We know that your feelings are 100 percent valid, i'm just asking you to give us a chance......we recognize what a big step posting was for you.......and let's just take it one step at a time, ok?

Irish...I am willing to give you guys a chance...heck nothing else has worked...maybe this will. Im incrediably sad at where i am in life...32 and still terrified of my own shadow cause of my past.

I had a bad relationship with my ex-boyfriend also. I very much feel I did something to deserve it. I would actually forget about it until it happened again. Once sober, and I talked to him about it, he would cry. I wound up feeling so bad for him.. Anyways what I wanted to say is I do not think you did anything wrong. When in a relationship it is so tricky, and there are emotions running that wouldn't be there if you weren't dating the person. It's a messed up situation in the first place. I'm glad you're on here and are comfortable sharing your stories.

I do better when its online and NOT face to face...face to face I freeze..i cant talk...i go into a panic...BUT this is different this is NOT face to face...its safer to a degree...and being in a setting like this...you would figure theres not the backstabbing behind the scenes crap that goes on elsewhere...this I HOPE is a secure...safe place to talk. I am just plain tired of being afraid and tired...Im tired of hurting inside and out...of becoming something i never was...im just plain tired...the nightmares keep me awake..then sitting and typing they will invaded my sight and thoughts....vivid pictures OF them ..and what they did ...out of the blue...im just tired of them being such a HUGE part of my life..I want them gone...I NEED them gone desperately.

This place is better for sure. I do the same face to face, just doesn't work. I'm fairly certain this place is secure. Everyone here just wants help, and wants to help. You sound so exhausted by what you've been through. I really hope things get better for you sooner than later. I used to get more upset by typing things, I don't anymore.

I'm off to eat with family.

I hope you can feel some peace tonight. You deserve it.

I am exhausted not only from the things that have happened in my life...but I am also the mom of a 11 year old disabled son...he cant fully take care of himself...and hes a challenge to work with sometimes when he gets in that EEEERRRRR mood...I dont have help with him right now(working on it)then i deal with my PTSD, GAD...Panic attacks...I feel like I am on HIGH alert ALL the time. I feel like even if things were fine with my son..that i would still be looking over my shoulder...I would still be feeling things on the back of my neck all the time in the showers...I hear their voices so vividly sometimes...AND NO IM NOT crazy...after years of that crap you just never seem to have it poof totally...they are like that damn energizer bunny they just keep going and going and going...we stop but they make sure that they are in your face reminding you of how fragile you really are...that your life could be theirs at any time....they never let you forget...its in the sub conscious etc. then its the fear and pain that you remember ..and know that will NEVER end...its there you cant change it...you cant make it go away...and you certainly cant pretend it never happened...its there for life...and what did any of us do to deserve it????? may we all did...and we are fooling ourselves by thinking different....oh the ways my mind goes in circles...shut me off please... i need a break

Hey...your here speaking out. I'd call that strength, not fraility.