Sexual Abuse Support Group

Hi everyone

I've been sitting here typing, then deleting what I've typed, trying to start again -

It happened 5 years ago, I met a guy, had a kiss and we started walking (more like waddling as we were both quite drunk) down town, having a laugh when we got to a bridge. I didn't realise he led me down the alley until I was there. I suddenly sobered up but didn't really start to panic as he was a local lad and well liked by all. We had a kiss and he started to touch me. I moved his hand away but continued to kiss him (don't ask why) but he continually tried to put his hand down my trousers. I am just about 5ft and petite so it doesn't take much to overpower me. He forced me to the ground. It was like I just lost control of my body, and voice. I could only whisper no. I could hear my friends looking for me but I couldn't shout and just continued to whisper to him pleading to stop. After he was done, he helped me up and did up my trousers, put his arms around me and led me back out to the street. A long time must have passed because all my friends were gone and the streets were empty.

I confided in my "best friend" who confronted the guy the next night she was out. I don't know what he said but he made himself out to be the innocent victim and me to be satan itself. Long story short, I lost all of my close friends. Since they they have all apologised.

I thought I'd made a lot of progress over these last few years but recently I've become an emotional mess again. I've been seeing my boyfriend for about 16 months now and he pleads with me to tell him what's wrong. I just can't bring myself to tell him because (surprise, surprise) I feel like the whole thing was completely and utterly my fault. I feel totally undeserving to have someone as wonderful as him in my life who is so caring and kind. I'm afraid I'll lose him. I know if he loves me he'll be understanding etc etc but I can't get those doubts out of my mind.

I guess I've joined this forum because I don't want to undo all the progress and I've found it helps A LOT to write things down.

Even after writing this I feel a little lighter.

Candlelight,

First welcome to the group. I am so sorry what happen to you but I want you to know its not your fault at all he raped you and he is to blame. Now for you not feeling worthy of your boyfriends love I know exactly what you mean as a child I went through so much from being molested by my bio dad to being brutaly raped to being abused by my husband. Now I have a great man who loves me so much he left his kids in NC to move to cali to be with me and I meet him with me in a wheelchair he knew what happen to me and accepted me for me but at times I still feel so unworthy but he always says I love you for your heart. Please know im here if you ever want to talk and feel free to post away. If you feel confortable telling your boyfriend what happen then by all means do if he loves you he will truly understand.

Hugs mary

I'm so sorry what happened to you happened, but i'm so proud that you've been able to make progress with it. It might be a lifetime process though. I understand your fear with telling your boyfriend, but it is in no way shape or form your fault. and I know us saying that only means so much, that you have to come to that conclusion on your own. next time your boyfriend asks what's wrong, start by saying it's something heavy and intense, and happened before you two were together. Then gauge his response from there. Maybe if you just open up the convorsation a tiny bit, he'll let you know that he's willing to hear and deal with it all.

it was not your fault.

so sorry.

not clear---did your friends apologize?

I hope so.

If they didn't it still was not y our fault.

also, abusers will say its you to cover up what they did. But they did it, they know, and it still was not you.

I really hate it when they do that! That's almost worse than the abuse itself---how abusers make us and our loved ones/people around us believe that it was us who were "bad".

But it was they that were bad not us.

thank you for sharing,

Carol