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08/09/2011 04:55 AM

my sexual abuse story and guilt?

lifesfinest1
Posts: 7
New Member

I'm 19 now. I was sexually abused by 3 different people. One was my dad from 7 to 18. I still am having issues. Like I still so badly want him to love me. I'm disgusting but I'll be disgusting for him all I ever wanted was his attention. I have an unhealthy paratic relationship with him. It tears me up inside and I know I'm insane for having the type of relationship we have. So I have sex with my dad and I live with him. I'm insane I know but I guess that's how desperate I've gotten. I was also abused by my uncle a few times now. I still can't look him in the eyes. I remember the last time I did it was like I was looking into the eyes of someone who was in for a kill. 3rd person was a girl my brother dated. She threatened me and got me drunk several times I was 13 and she was 21. She sexually abused me for about a month. She shortly after got pregnant had a kid. I still can't talk about it to anyone even though she's raising a child that might be biologically mine. My brother wasn't the dad and it looks a lot like me. I feel extreme guilt all this time letting her raise it. And not saying anything when she could be doing this to her. I mean since she's an abuser she could abuse her own. That I just said nothing afyer all these years. I feel like shit for not helping when I could have. It scares me to tell anyone.

Post edited by: lifesfinest1, at: 08/09/2011 05:07 AM

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08/09/2011 09:39 AM
karel6
karel6  
Posts: 1268
Senior Member

thanks for sharing, lifes.

First of all, I don't think you are insane.

I think what those ppl did to you IS.

There is nothing wrong with you.

Everything wrong with what they DID TO you.

I was also abused by a female. And to me, that is even more damaging than being abused by a man. *just me*; someone might disagree. But the effects, to me, are deeper.

I also relate to dealing with that "killing" look in a perp's eyes. It is so bad. I can't stand it!

Also, fear is a central symptom in survivors. I don't think you have any reason to feel guilty. But I also relate to that guilt. Many of us just wish we could make s. abuse stop right here and right now.

I am glad you shared.

You broke the silence! Good for you.

Carol


08/09/2011 10:02 AM
maryandjimmie
maryandjimmie  
Posts: 1849
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Lifesfinest1,

Welcome to the group and thank you for sharing. I also can relate to your feeling of guilt and wanting your dad to love you. I was also abused by my bio father until I was 14 and even though im now 47 I still wish I could of had his love but over the years I realize that will never be but it took some time to come to that and accept that as my life. Were here if you ever want to talk or ask questions. This is a great group who truly is here for those in our group and realy show support.

mary


08/09/2011 11:40 AM
mem6197

Hi there and welcome to our group. This is a great group of folks who are willing to share, help, and support.

You absolutely are NOT insane...you were in circumstances that were beyond your control.

The fact that you still want your father to love you is very normal. But remember, continuing to have that sort of relationship is not love and is not healthy - by any means. If you are indeed involved in this fashion, you really need to get out of there. I also feel that you should see a therapist so that you can get through this and start a new chapter in your life. It won't be an easy thing to do.

Regarding the child, there is no way you could have providing for him/her. You were just a young teen...so don't beat yourself up about that. Also, if it was proven the child was yours, it would have been considered statutory rape and most likely the child's mother wouldn't have wanted to have anyone find out. If you really want to know for sure, then by all means have a paternity test done.

I know it's very difficult, but you've honestly got nothing to be ashamed of. As Carol said, these things were DONE to you.


08/09/2011 01:13 PM
lifesfinest1
Posts: 7
New Member

it's just like I can't say no to him. I know I need therapy but I feel as if I'd be looked down upon if I talk about everything. Like I feel like I'd be considered unstable and a bad dad. I am ashamed of where my life has gotten that I couldn't stand up to any of my abusers like many other people did. I just feel like any therapist would think I am a terrible person. And that it really wouldn't be helpful. I already kind of feel that. I don't really want it to be validated.

08/09/2011 02:36 PM
mem6197

In no way are you a bad person...the people who did these things to you are the bad ones, not you. Look back at what Carol said...these things were done to you.

Any good therapist will tell you the same things we've already said and therapists will not look down on you. If they do, then you have the option of firing that person.

Most people who are abused ARE NOT able to stand up to their abusers. When we are children, we do as we are told, that's what we are taught to do. Abusers take advantage of those who are vulnerable. You not being able to stand up to your abusers is very normal. How do you expect yourself to have stood up to your father at the age of 7 and say "no Dad, this isn't right - I won't do this"? How would you have even known that it wasn't right? Again, we do as we are told when we are kids.

I'm not trying to lecture you in any way, just trying to get you to see that you were not the wrong one in the picture.


08/10/2011 01:08 PM
maryandjimmie
maryandjimmie  
Posts: 1849
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

No therapist will think you are a terrible person you are not doing anything wrong you are innocent in all this and have nothing to be ashamed of. When you are ready to talk to someone just know that they are there for you to listen to you and help you to recover until then im glad you are here talking to us thats a big step. You should be proud of yourself to know you took that step and your a SURVIVOR. Even if it dont feel like it now you are and were always here for you when you need us.

08/21/2011 09:07 PM
lifesfinest1
Posts: 7
New Member

I'm having my first tomorrow. I am going to take itstep by step.

08/28/2011 01:40 PM
bfly
bfly  
Posts: 4078
VIP Member

First off... you sure take a LOT of responsibility. Sure, you can, with proper healing, eventually make a decision to end the sexual relationship with your father... but that's easier said than done I'm sure. You are tied to him and he was the one that tied the rope that binds you. Give yourself a break and some self-love. Be gentle with yourself- you didn't ask to be wounded. AND you are not disgusting- you are just a human being and we have a primal need to loved and wanted, even if it's disfunctional and hurtful to us. I have no more fingers or toes to count the many times I've comprimised my values because of unhealed wounds... I am finally, and I say FINALLY, looking at this stuff in therapy and I'm scared to death frankly, but I know it has to be done and I pray I come out on the other side somehow whole... at least patched up a bit. You really need some help hun, and I really hope that you get that help and that someday you will know your worth. You are more than your behaviors- and those behaviors come from somewhere... a place that's not your fault. Take care of you.
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