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05/14/2010 01:47 AM

Wish I could erase all the bad memories!

Posts: 35

Memories? I wish there was a way I could just erase all the bad memories. The bad dreams, the anxiety attacks the night sweats. It's been a hard week for me. My anxiety attacks were slowing down, wasn't getting them several times a day anymore but the past week I've been getting them back and they seem to be more severe. I can be at work and all of a sudden my head gets all tingly my, my heart starts racing I start to hyperventilate and everything around me sounds muffled. When I lay do to try and sleep no matter what time of day or night it seems that a video of all the abuse and molestation play through my head at super fast speed, kinda like some one put in a DVD and pushed fast forward and replay at the same time, my head starts to throb and I get dizzy, can't fall asleep cuz I think I'm gonna die of a heart attack if I do.

I've tried medication it helped with the anxiety but it also made me very tired to the point where I couldn't function, so I stopped. I've tried therapy but that didn't seem to help either. So for now I'm just trying to cope with it.

I hate what they have done to me and what they have cause. I wonder if any of our abusers have ever thought of how much they hurt us? Not just hurting us when the abuse was actually happening but the hurt that we carry with us every single day? Do you think any of them ever thought about stealing our childhood? What kinds of "problems" they caused us to have? I really don't think so. They get to go on and live their lives as if nothing ever happened and we have to be the ones who have to deal with all this shit over and over , day after day! I'm so sick of feeling this way!

I really wish there was a way to make our abuser TRULY feel our pain. I guess it wouldn't do much good for mine. One is dead, one I have no idea where he is and my "Mom" probably wouldn't give a shit anyway.

Sorry for the rant! I just needed to talk!


05/14/2010 06:18 AM
Posts: 4911
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

Honu, I know where you are at and you are right therapy does not help much at this point. Their solution is to put a stop button on the tape. Great and simple idea, but how praytell does one do that? To which they cannot answer. They cannot answer it because they have not been there. Instead of the stop button,close the door. Make the motions of closeing a door and say 'No, those thoughts are of the past and not allowed to hurt, or haughnt me any longer.You may have to do so many many times before you can fall asleep without those intrusive memories, but eventually it does wwork. Just keep at it and do so as soon as the memories try to invade your thoughts. Your mind is yours and does not need or have to be controled by those thoughts. Never give up. Always here if you need to talk.


05/15/2010 07:03 PM
Posts: 20

Sweetie, I'm so sorry to hear about your pain Sad But I am glad that you're placing your anger in the right place.

I'm sure there are some people who have a problem that makes them ashamed and that makes them hate themselves for their urges, but those people tend to get help before they hurt a child. The repeat offenders, it seems, have no guilt. It takes a special kind of monster to hurt a child.

I always believed that validation and understanding was the key to ending emotional pain. The trouble with abuse situations of any time is that the victim rarely gets the validation they deserve.

I've had anxiety problems long before the incident that made me join this group. I know how hard it is. I'm so sorry that you've been forced to experience panic attacks and everything else.

We can't make your memories go away, but sometimes getting your story out and knowing that you are right to feel the way that you do can be helpful. I really hope it is. I do think you should continue to get some form of professional help, because anxiety can often lead to depression.


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