Sexual Abuse Support Group

Off the top of my head I don't know much. I was diagnosed with Dissociative Amnesia Disorder not too long ago. None of my pregnancies were a product of rape, however I was raped at 19 which is irrelevant compared to everything else in my life that's happened. But interestingly enough, I did feel as tho each time that 'baby' inside of me felt like an alien. And back in those days I didn't feel connected to my body. Sometimes I still don't, but a lot less often than I used to if that makes any sense. I sometimes to go through times when I for some reason can't shower (usually really when I'm depressed) and my longest without showering is 7 days... but I didn't care... now I do remember telling planned parenthood that I was physically abused and I DO remember expressing my reason for not wanting one of those babies is because I was terrified I would be one of those moms who killed their child. I feel very shameful but I believe I would be capable of that for some reason. Even tho my husband & I have two dogs and I have never laid a hand on them... over time I have recovered some memories, confronted both of my 'birth' parents (yes, they were my real parents) for the abuse I have remembered and both deny and have changed their #'s. I hired a lawyer for a civil suit then backed out. I would probably need way more therapy if I went thru with it. I decided and will start looking for a hypnotherapist this week to try to erase ALL of my childhood memories. It is possible, least that's what the Internet says. No worries, I'll make sure they're board certified, etc.

I HATE having sex. When I first met my now husband, I was extremely into sex, daily nightly, etc. As soon as we became 'intimate' and there were feelings, totally a different story. We have sex about twice a year and for all I care I could go without it forever. My husband is very supportive. Giving him oral sex turns me on but the thought of it being done to me makes me want to SCREAM. The night before we got married, I told him I had faked EVERY orgasm. I've never had one with someone else. And those that I do involve imaginations of molestation by some old dude and me being 5 or so...

Anyway, now that you know just how fucked up I am... well I'm glad you don't know my real name for that very reason. All that I have written are all that lives with me day to day.

Oh, LGL, don't. Be ashamed af anything! We all have these feelings at some point in time. You're NOT 'f***ed up'. You were VIOLATED.

The dissacoiated amnesia, I believe is very common for survivors of child secual abuse. As a child endures what you did, you tend to remove yourself from your body so as not to 'feel' what's going on. Its a defense mechanism. I believe its a good thing, really. It keeps you from having to deal with your pain until you're old enough to understand how to deal with everything involved. Its too much for a child to handle.

When it comes to sex, this is also very common. When you've got a distorted concept of what sex & love is, its very difficult to have a 'normal' intimate relationship. When it comes to feeling guilty about enjoying what you're feeling when youre having sex, especially oral sex, I believe you're thrown back into that little girl, & now, knowing that it was wrong, you feel that guilt BECAUSE of that. Just remember, its not your fault you feel this way, you were made to feel this way. It helps that you have an understanding husband.