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Lilibit58
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I'm to the point now that I understand and know it was not my fault, I have my memories back and I no longer have flashbacks or bad dreams. I am in therapy but wonder how long this is going to take? Years. I have the residual affects with trust and anxiety in new situations. Is anyone further along in their recovery and can give me some insight as to what is next? Lori |
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mommyofsixFriend2U
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Hi Lori, I don't know how far I am in my recovery. I have been in and out of therapy since I was 18 and am now 40!!!! That's a long time!!!  I was just wondering the same thing. When does it ever end????? When will I ever be able to live life without having the abuse surface in some way? I thought I was getting my life balanced and now new things have surfaced. I thought I was "healed" from the abuse yet it still affects my life. Trust issues, anxiety, more memories, and now health issues that the professional relate to my abuse. Does it ever stop?????  Do we ever get "healed?" I know this doesn't answer your question....sorry! Your Friend, Chris |
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bunny_fly
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Lori and Chris, Welcome to the croud. I started therapyn when I was ten, been in and out since, now 32. Lori, I think that the next step for you is to learn to trust. I know that is easier said thwan done, have my own issues with that. Trust is a funny thing, as it opens you up for so many things. Chris, I don't think that it ever ends permanently. There will always be something down the road to trigger things, but as long as we refuse to give up I believe that we are better off than a lot. The progress that we all have made is so wonderful. Remember there was a time that you thought that you would never be where you are today, so there is always hope for tomorrow. Brenda
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hannah08
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I am at the beginning of my recovery, I have only been in therapy 4 months..but I have been reading a lot. I guess the general consensus is that you are never completely healed. Like Brenda said, there are always going to be things that trigger you. However, you do have to get to a point where you remove the walls that you put up so that you handle things differently. My therapist says that really feeling all of the emotions is the key and understanding all the ways the abuse affects your relationships. For me I am beginning to realize how illogical I am and how afraid of intimacy I am. I never knew before now. I guess my question is, what exactly is intimacy? I mean, does that mean I have to share details with my husband. How do you develop intimacy with friends? What does that mean? If you and a friend talk every day how do you if that friendship is not an intimate one? hannah |
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bunny_fly
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Hannah, it is just learning to be close to someone. I know it sounds a lot simpler than it is, but you have to take that chance,you gain so much more from a friendship when you open yourself up to that closeness. I am fortunate that I have a two yr. old alter that crave closeness from anyone, learned from her. Brenda |
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Lilibit58
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Intimacy to me is feelling a bond of closness with someone. They know you and you know them. Yes, it is revealing your secrets and being understood and not judged for being you. Personnaly I've only had this once. Lori |
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Lilibit58
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Thanks for all the responses. Sometimes it gets to be exhausing to think this is never ending. Life should not be so hard, but then again if I would let go of my fear it wouldn't be. Removing the walls, which are my protection, is an impossible task. I think i have to learn new ways to cope before I can let the walls down, because just letting them down will not help me. I'd just be anxious all the time. Does anyone have any suggestions on what to replace the walls with? Lori
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hannah08
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Again, not there yet. My therapist told me that you should have a door to let in people that you want to let in but you can also keep out people that need to be kept out. She also mentioned that before you take down the walls you put in windows so you can see what works and what doesn't. I think that our inability to have initimate relationhsips is one reason the walls are still up. I can't imagine life without my walls but that also means that I can't imagine a life that is rich and fulfilling. That sucks! I also don't think you can take down the walls until you feel safe. The walls do serve a very important function..safety. So until we are sure how to keep ourselves safe they stay up. What is it that makes you feel unsafe? Maybe that is a better way to approach it. hannah |
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bunny_fly
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Lori, what is your greatest fear? How much of your walls are up so that no one will discover who you are? Are you afraid of what they will think? Realize that if those of us herer find you interesting, vauluable, and as likeable as we do, then others will do the same. There will be those that will not, but no one can have everyone like them. I know personally the fear that it will be found out that I have alters is one of the biggest deturents to opening up to others. The fact that you and I started talking about them, then Lostgirl jioning in was great for me. Also Sarah coming out for that week or so was good, as she did things that no one would have thought uf me doing. Then when one of my co-workers questioned me on it, we started talkingand come to find out she likes Sarah, even conciders her a friend. I am finding that the reaction is not as negative as I thought it would be. I know because we went through some horrid events, we sometimes feel that other will not like us for ourself if we let them see us. But the truth of the matter is that those horrid events are what has made us so much kinder, loving, understanding and generally warmer than othersare. These are qualities that people are looking for, but they cannot seem to find. because those of us with these qualities realize that we are not like other people and we try to hide our true self from others. We weer told so many negative things about ourself growing up, that we assume that all those things were true. The possibility that they are not true is more scarry than anything els. we need to learn that this is the truth, we are not the bad people that we were made out to be. Brenda Post edited by: bunny_fly, at: 06/15/2008 17:34 |
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Lilibit58
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Hannah, I'm not sure why I don't feel safe. I have been in a safe place for a long time. A safe relationship where nothing is expected from me emotionally, even though that is what I crave. Emotional closness. The one time I tried to let myself open up i got slammed so hard I just shut down. This was many years ago. Part of my sucide attempt back when I was 25 was that I realized after being in this safe relationship, that when I finally felt safe i didn't want the relationship. Like I was wasn't done growing and now I'm stuck. I like the window idea. Still a wall, just one with a view. I think that is sort of where I am. I see what it (my life) could be, just don't know quite how to get there. Brenda, I know I have to take more risks. I'm debating joinging a support group (a physical one here). Telling a few friends the truth would be too hard for me. And a awkward expereince for them. I am working on the strenght to tell my daughter, i think she will be ok. Once she knows the rest will know because I know she'll tell them. Thank you for your support  and kind words. I appreciate and value your friendship. I think you touch on something important. Why we are oftentimes kinder people. Sometimes this is a bad thing when we find others that use our kindness or lack of boundaries for their own gain. I agree that feeling so bad that it was my fault or that I was defective made me more understanding of others because I tried so hard to be liked since I didn't like myself. Twisted, I know. My walls, yes the bulk is to hide who I am since I am so horribly defective. I "know" I'm not defective, but I still "feel" that I am. I am always afraid of what others will think. I have learned to figure out what the right thing to say is, even if I didn't feel that way. I'm to the point that I don't know how i really feel. I'm numb. I did learn from Gloria that you can say what you feel and people will still respect you. She does it all the time. Some people hate her and some / most respect her honesty. I have taken more risks since I've known her. Her presence on these forums does illustrate what you said. I'm getting there. Lori |
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