brandiii
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my mom comes and goes. like i said, it's been two years and i got in a lot of trouble and put on probation around march of last year, and as a condition of it i had to do counseling and i've always hated my counselors but i love who i'm seeing now. going to the police didn't feel like the right thing, and it's even hard now because my mom can make me feel so bad about it. it's only been a little over a week since i haven't talked to her but i've come to realize that, just like me, my mom can't why it's so wrong because she's still in the situation. maybe your mom is afraid of change. i know mine is. but anyway, people can say whatever they want to you but if you decide that you want to do something about it, you'll come to that on your own terms because it has to be for you. i always thought i had to protect my mom and family, and i didn't want her angry and it was just easier to keep hush hush. i never wanted to hurt her, because i do love her and we always had a good relationship before this. i wrote in my journal yesterday (i just started keeping, because i have a lot of stuff going on and i want to find the root of it) that i feel strongly about the decision i've made because i came to it on my own terms, for my own reasons, being that if i don't acknowledge how wrong that was, it only makes other things that are wrong easy for me to excuse and the cycle will never break. obviously if you're on this website, you're dealing with pain from this, you might even be numb. also, why should i destroy my body, and my my mind, and my future, and potential relationships because of how this incident has affected me, and also due to undeserved guilt i suffered because of it? i shouldn't, and you shouldn't either. but you should take a stand for yourself, because i know my mom tries to make me sound bad to my family so that i don't have credibility and i'm going to stand up and say "hey, what you did was wrong and i didn't deserve it. we all have to pay for our consequences" i've paid enough consequences, and i'm sure you have too. i really think you should see a counselor, i think if you found someone you liked and saw them for a while it would be the best thing for you. he/she could help you to decide what's best for you, whether it be moving on with your life, or speaking up and doing something about the fact that someone did you wrong. someone who's supposed to look out for you and your well being, not do the opposite. i just have this question, if you knew someone going through something similar, would you suggest that they just try to push it down and forget about it or go to the police? do you feel like your situation is any different from the typical sex abuse case? tell me if you do, please, for any reasons whatsoever. i know i have post-traumatic stress, and it didn't even hit me to the point where i realized it until recently (maybe past six month) trauma affects certain people differently, some experience it immediately, some don't experience it for years, sometimes it goes away on its own, but in most cases, it requires help. i'm starting to notice little issues that i never had before starting to pop up in my life, and maybe as you get older you'll start to notice them. i have intimacy problems, i've become really cold. i know personally, i walk around with a chip on my shoulder and i'm working through these things because im aware of them now, but i treated a lot of people close to me very badly because (i can acknowledge) that on some level i felt like someone was out to do me wrong. it causes a lot of trust issues. you don't deserve to feel any pain, and i really hope you get help from someone who is an expert in dealing with these problems. sorry if that was too long. if you want to talk about this, my aim screen name is untoke or spywareinc either one. i'm usually on both. Post edited by: brandiii, at: 08/13/2008 15:10 |
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