Birth Control helped my urges

I stay abstinent because I felt slutty the day after I had a one night stand with a stranger after my divorce was final.

I think I have a high libido comapred to all of my past partners. I always wanted sex more than my lovers did.

I heard it has something to do with me having too much testosteone and not enough estrogen.

When I was 17 I had to seduce every hot guy I wanted and I did get what I wanted even if I didn't reach an orgasm. I felt powerful and beautiful when I seduced men.

If I couldn't score, I felt ugly or not good enough and really embarrassed. I wasn't happy until I felt desired. So I became very promiscuous at 17 and had so many one night stands that I began to feel numb and I got no pleasure out of seducing, it was too easy so it got boring. I was out of control.

I wanted to be a nice girl who could say no and control my actions but I had no conscience until I had my first "real" relationship at 23, he respected me unlike the others who just wanted me for sex.

He liked me and actually took me out and hung out with me, he didn't just want to make love to me he wanted me to be his girlfriend. So we were together for 10 years, I wasn't even sexually attracted to him, I was only with him because we connected on other levels, we liked the same things, not just sex.

So I stayed with him because I felt like a princess not a slut. He rescued me from myself. He cured me from wanting sex all the time because I didn't find him sexy.

We broke up in the end because the physical attraction wasn't ever there, he thought I was beautiful but I thought of him as average, and we only had sex to fulfill our human urges. It wasn't passionate and I didn't get a rush like I did with strangers or guys I'd known and thought were sexy.

I guess I'm shallow, but when I remarried I was so sexually attracted to my new husband that we had sex all of the time and I was thrilled and in love and very much attracted to him because he was very sensual and new so much about pleasuring me in different ways, but when we separated for a year I tried to have a one night stand and I regret having done it because I woke up with that familiar slutty immoral feeling of having made a mistake. I had too much to drink and invited this guy over to my place after knowing him on Myspace only a week.

Ugh, so now I'm stuck, I have urges everday about the same time 1:00pm, I don't know why but I begin to feel the urge at the same time and it's annoying. I won't do anymore one night stands, I hate feeling slutty. I can't shake the feeling off for about a week or two. I get panicky and grossed out like I want to vomit when I think about it.

After my husband passed away I kept thinking, I guess I need to be in love to be able to have intimate sex now. The thing is, we had such a bad ending to our relationship that I have trust issues with men and now WILL reject any advances. So I have to take care of my own urges either the old fashion way or stay on birth control which lowers my urges of feeling like a cat in heat.

Taking care of it myself is so depressing afterwards unless I wait til nighttime and just fall asleep before I have time to think about it.

But if I get it taken care of at around 1:00pm that's when I feel like crap because there's no one to hold or kiss afterwards and I'm still awake. I'm stuck I don't know what to do. I want to stay single because I'm scared to have my heart broken again. But it's so lonely doing this alone.

The only thing I hate about Birth Control pills is that they make me so cranky and moody, they lower the sex cravings to almost none, but I hate feeling extreme PMS when it's that time of the month.

I just wish I had NO libido at all. Then I could focus on other things.

I'm probably going to wake up feeling slutty in the morning for having posted this for the world to see.

I just had to get this off my chest. I have so many issues going on right now.

Sometimes I flirt with guy friends on myspace and we roleplay writing sensual stories exchanging fantasies and then just use that for late night ammunition.

But some guys don't know how to write creatively or poetically and I'd get frustrated and become annoyed. Not to mention that they aren't always in the mood or online when I am. Oh well, glad I got that off my chest.

I'm so tempted to open up another chatroom just to satisfy my fantasies. I had a chatroom 4 years ago and it was magnificant *drools*

Especially when the writers were pleasure delayers, it was like foreplay big time. Then finally when it was time to have our characters mate, it was so sexy to the point of making my blood rush to my face.

Anyway, I'm glad to be a part of this group because I know I'm not alone. *whew*

TTYL

(((HUGS)))

~JackieBlue~