It certainly takes a lot of personal courage and a bit of humility in order to even come to that conclusion, so I salute you for that. I have been addicted to porn and compulsive masturbation for most of my life. I am married also, with four children. My addiction has wreaked havoc on my marriage, which I have nearly lost a couple of times. What I have learned through attending SA meetings is that I have taken sexuality completely out of it's context and turned it and everyone else I encounter into objects for my own personal gratification. I lost the ability to look at other people, especially women, as people worthy of respect and dignity. I can relate to what you are saying because while sex can be an expression of love, I twisted it into something that degraded other people and used them for my own lust. I struggle every day with the impulse to act out and to completely turn inside myself and shut off everyone around me. Have you looked into any twelve step programs? I find SA helpful. There is also SAA, and SLAA. You do not have to be any specific religion in order to attend any of those, by the way. All members are encouraged to seek a Higher Power, as THEY understand it. I have found the fellowship I experience being around other people who share similar problems as mine to be very helpful. There is no judgement. How can there be? We're all there for the same reason. Our addictions have ruled our lives and we acknowledge that, along with the wrongs we have committed, and move on into a life where we practice a progressive victory of lust, and a positive sobriety. I hope this was helpful. If not, I hope you are able to find what you are looking for. Admitting to ourselves that we have a problem is huge and life-changing. Nothing is impossible
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