Before I say anything, I am new, I lurk a lot, and won't reveal any names. However, I feel that I have a problem that I need to address, and I think that this is a good place to do it.
Let's start by saying that my sexual experience came about when I was 10 years old with the son of the woman who was babysitting me. He was older than me, and he, through beating me up and generally treating me without any humanity, as well as playing on my already low self-esteem, and eventually got me to do... actions upon his person. I am male, by the way... and not homosexual... so this time in my life.. was hard. He continued to get me to do it nearly every day for nearly six months. Every time, I knew in my heart that is was wrong what was going on... but I was too weak-willed to stop it. Not to mention that even though I'm big and strong, I also hate violence of any type... and will refrain from it unless it was necessary. It became necessary to me when he was trying to lure me into his barn at night... well.. less lure, more threatened me to get in, when I finally beat him up and got out. At this same time... something that sickens me even more began happening. My sister... had had an 'interesting' evening at a friend's house, she, who is 2 years younger than me, or 9 at the time, told me that her and her friends had engaged in sexual acts with each other. She goaded and pleaded and convinced me... and again, as the weak-willed child I was, and even more confused about my sexuality, among other things, was quickly roped in. This went on, once or twice a month for 3 or 4 months. This is about the time where my obsession with masturbation began. Every night, I would do this, sometimes hurting myself, other times being fine. My internet had blocks back then, but the women's underwear catalogs weren't, and they were occasionally delivered by mistake to our house. These sparked my addiction to pornography. Finally, I saw what women that I WAS attracted to looked like under most of their clothes. This continued in this same fashion until I was 15, when I got my first magazine. My parents were divorcing at the time, and eventually, I was in the mecca of pornography, my mother's house. This is not to say that my mother kept, or approved of pornography, but she had unblocked internet. I quickly gorged myself on smut, and remained that way... pretty much non-stop, until a year ago, when I began dating my girlfriend. This... is where my story becomes strange/not strange. I gave up porn, thinking I'd be able to make it without. Since we date online, I thought it would be a good change to stop. Plus, she believed in god and was a christian. As one who was raised in the church, I stayed with her. Then, she showed me a guilty pleasure that she enjoyed: Cyber sex. It went as many sexual relationships do, slowly at first, then faster and faster, till we were doing it almost every day. Now, I would like you to bear in mind. I love this girl with all of my heart. I would give my right arm for her, or I would give other things for her as well. This is where I need help. About 4 months ago, I, like a fool, had kept the old mail address that I used to register for porn sites. Needless to say, I got porn spam. One day, however, it mimiced an email from someone I was ACTUALLY expecting an email from. I pointed and clicked the link, not thinking that anything was wrong. Suddenly my screen was flooded with hardcore pornography. I have been struggling to shake it since. No matter how hard I try, I can't stop looking at it. I even find it y accident, but then I can't stop looking. This, coupled with my girlfriend and I deciding together (And yes, it is together), that we were going to stop having cyber sex. Basically, I am seriously struggling. I have not masturbated by touching in over a week, but have received the same.... end effects, spontaneously while looking at provocative images twice, and it feels like I'm failing her and myself. I have talked to her about it, and she thinks I'm being too hard on myself. Basically, I need help.. and some type of support. I'm sorry for the huge post if it violates site etiquitte. Ciao, and see you all soon.
Welcome to the forum, Artician. Your post was quite convoluted and there are some things I am not clear on:
1) How old are you now?
2) You mention that you date your girlfriend online. Is this the ONLY way you date or do you actually go out with her in person as well?
Definitely, there is a history behind your situation that could have certainly made you more vulnerable to develop a sexual addiction. But please understand that sexual addiction is only a symptom, not a cause of anything.
The trauma caused by your childhood experiences with that boy and with your sister's friends combined with the separation of your parents can create havoc in a young mind. If you are over 21, I would recommend SA meetings but what you really need is a Therapist to help you go down memory lane and excavate those feelings from the past in order to fix your future.
You need to think of this as a mental condition and it has NOTHING to do with being crazy or mad. But only a certified therapist can diagnose this for you.
I am here to help you as best I can so if you want to discuss this further, please feel free to post again.
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