Sex Addiction Support Group

hi im a sex addict..

i have been dealing with this since high school and now i am 24. it started with the 1st boyfriend (yes, i am gay too) that i had. the relationship lasted for just one year. but he was my first. he left me abruptly and i was really heartbroken.

i have been single ever since... but the funny thing is my sexual drive is getting heavier and heavier each year. its crazy.

i havent been with any guy.. i masturbated all the time.i use porn and at certain point, some S&M stuff like leather and gloves when im masturbating.

it has become a daily occurance. i can go up until 4 times a day.

i want it to stop..because it doesnt help with my social life. i feel disgusted with my own act. i become tired and moody. and i come to the point when i get angry at everyone around me.

i really hate myself..

i just want to talk about this..and i have been wanting this oppourtunity for so long..

H, I'm new here too. I am having a similar problem as you. I'm married, but I usually masturbate several times a day like you do. I'm just now acknowledging that I need to quit my habits, but I think that just doing that is a huge step in the right direction. You want to change and that is where you have to start.

I wish you the best of luck, and I offer up my prayers for you and your struggle.

That sounds awful. It's amazing isn't it? How insipid it is (at least for me). Have you tried to stop? WHat has worked?

Hi,

Just wondering if you've tried an antidepressant, I noticed that Remeron had an effect on my crazy ass. LOL

Seriously, just controlling the craving to just jump anything with testosterone was SO hard for me.

I was very promiscuous when I was like 17 because of my "addiction" and yeah I used to have to take care of myself when I had no one to share my moments with.

I was ashamed and thought everyone knew. I just thought it showed on my face because "I" felt different.

Anyway. Nice to meet you. Oh lots of friends of mine said that Methadone kills your sex drive. Well it numbs it to the point of when you're about to have a climax you have to kind of force it by cramming a million sexy thoughts all in a milli-second to get over the peak of "impossibility mountain" and finally have your O, but you have to have a tremendous amount of concentration at that particular "moment" or you lose it and you have to start back at square one.

So yeah Methadone does make it hard to climax. It actually takes away your cravings for sex like 80% to 90% away. I was married to a someone who took Methadone, it was difficult for me, being that I have a high craving and he had a very low one.

We were on the opposite sides of the sexual-crave spectrum. I just hated it, I was usually always the one to initiate it. It was so frustrating.

Anyway TTYL!

It's been about a year since I've made love to anyone.

~JackieBlue~

Post edited by: JackieBlue, at: 10/01/2008 18:10

Please tell me or allow me to ask, what makes you think youre a sex addict? Are you not a passionate, sensual, loving, erotic person? If i a am over stepping I am sorry but i truly do not know what a sex addict is. I am all that i mentioned.....

I know you also mentioned same sex ....... is that so judgmental that no one should do so? I worry about these things. HOW judgmental the world is.

I used to see it as a child and still now. I see so many people living within a box, routine, routine, rat race rush rush but not one of them can say they LIVED. notaone.

I dont know you at all but i know that you are here for a reason, you have questions that need answered. I hope that you will find them but do not judge yourself harshly....KNOW who you are. and live it. The rest will fall into place. We dont need to all follow mainstream. YOU will sort it.xx Lilsis

I want what is good for you so you can live and smile. REASEARCH. it sometimes isnt what you think it is.

Hi Lilsis-I am indeed a passionate, sensual, loving, erotic person. It's just that in every relationship I've been in I noticed that if the person I'm with doesn't want sex as much as I do I think I'm being rejected or not good enough. I don't know if it's psychological and has something to do with wanting approval from men, and sex being the ultimate "YES YOU DID GREAT" body response (orgasm) is proof to me that I indeed brought pleasure to someone.

When I was younger my parents divorced and I always wanted my father's approval, all I wanted was for him to say "Babe, I'm proud of you" but I never heard those words, maybe this seems trivial to some readers but it means the world to a young teen to feel on top of the world instead of on top of a man's erection to feel self confident.

There is so much pain where I just became numb with it all. I did it with hundreds of men, no exaggeration, and I felt "power" I had to seduce to feel "power", I think I'm ugly. No matter how many times I hear hey gorgeous or OMG you have a beautiful face or wow you should model. No matter how much I hear that I still feel ugly and worthless inside, until I got that rush of pleasure when I had the power to seduce and be needed and feel wanted.

I did this so much that it just became a habit, I would just seduce the cutest guy at the bar and if he accepted me, I was in bliss even if he just kissed me and held me tight from my shoulders and nothing more.

I just had to feel wanted. I think sex for me was the ultimate thought of "If I can turn this guy on and he accepts my invitation, then that means I'm beautiful enough for him to invite me into the darkness for the intimate embrace".

That meant I was pretty, so I often needed reassurance which turned into a constant hunger to be fed. And when I don't get it I feel ugly once again, my body craves it and I feel lonely and ugly.

When I was with my very sexy husband I thought my life was perfect, he was an amazing lover, my best in fact, he taught me so many things I never knew existed and he was 5 years younger than me. My mind was blown away. The sad thing was that he needed Methadone to stop his cravings from using heroin. Methadone kills your sex drive.

It kills any rush of pleasure to your dopamine receptors like heroin. Sex included. It made me feel unwanted only now I was in this marriage with the perfect lover and he couldn't make love to me, so I again felt ugly and he couldn't feed my cravings to feel wanted or beautiful once again, I felt alone and confused. He said it wasn't me, it was the medication, so I'd often try to have him make love to me before he went to the clinic to get his dose, but he needed his dose to feel energetic and not weak.

I was left abandoned and lonely with these feelings of thinking my husband was no longer satisfied with me or even turned on by me. I began to think "What's wrong with me, why can't I turn him on anymore"?

See in the beginning we had a different kind of love, we both had love chemicals flowing so it was easy for him to get excited with me, and everything was great, but as we all know, the love buzz fades and you then have to think of new ways to get creative and make things interesting and keep the spark alive. See I always had that spark but he lost it for some reason. Part of it was, his pleasure from drugs was on a higher scale compared to my scale of pleasure.

I'm guessing heroin gives you a 50 where as a normal orgasm gives you a puny 20. So for him having an orgasm did feel good, but not as good as the rush from drugs.

I should have known from the beginning but I never bothered to look up any of that information before we met in person after meeting online.

I didn't care and I figured I could fix all his problems if I just loved him enough. see I'm a little over weight and most of the guys I've been with always have a problem getting fully turned on by me. They lose it. They go limp, it's happened so many times, they love my face and my personality and my intelligence and my sense of humor but they just can't make love to me. Most of the time they could.

I mean they can but they sometimes lost it before they were done,and that right there made me want to hide and cry. So then off I went to look for someone who just wanted a one night stand just to get my confidence back. I usually feel like a sex addict when something huge happens in my life.

A death, A break-up, A new boy friend. It's like I use sex as drugs to numb my pain or kill my fears. Sex is pleasure and pleasure numbs pain.

So yes even when something good happens I'm afraid of losing it so I turn to sex to cope with my fears, to numb my doubt and anxiety. To take my mind off of it all.

Maybe this sounds crazy but even though my husband is gone I talk to him at night and fantasize about him when I'm pleasuring myself, because I just can not see another man on top of me making sweet passionate sesual love to me the way he did. No one can make love to me like that.

Yes I still make love to my dead husband. Then I cry because he's not there to hold me afterwards. Then I talk to him and cry even more, then I fall asleep. This is the first time I've told anyone that I do that. I just feel so close to you Lilsis. I hope you understand that I'm not crazy, I'm just very lonely and I miss my husband, drugs took him from me in July 2008. I just got his death certificate in the mail and yes xanax and heroin and hydrocodone were on the list along with antidepressants as to what made him overdose.

He was so passionate and poetic and very intense, like I've told you before, we could speak without words, Yes. We could read eachother's minds, that's something I can't ever find EVER again.

I don't want to replace him. I'd be dishonoring his memory, and besides I don't trust anyone anymore, MEN I mean. I'm sure there are a few good ones left, but I don't need them.

I had my Prince Charming, but he was cursed and if that's as close to Prince Charming I can get then that's good enough for me.

I mean, when he was sober we had perfect days. He was PERFECT!!! His only flaw was his drug use. He was angelic creature of the cosmos. Very intelligent, poetic, sensual, sexy, handsome, confident, muscular, well endowed, tall, artistsic, musical, compassionate and he wanted me for his wife. I have never been drawn to someone with such intensity.

I refuse to replace him.

I love you Lilsis, thank you for reminding me of my Prince Anthony, I will always remain his Fairchild, that's hat he used to call me when he'd make love to me snf write love letters to me.

He even whispered poetry in my ear as he made passionate love to me and tell me I smelled like wildflowers. He made daisies push up from the ground at my bare feet in a poem about me dancing with a smile twirling gracefully in a forest draped in a white gown.

I was his forest princess that he'd gaze upon in awe.

That was how he dreamed of me, his daydreams of me were so beautiful.

No one can ever take his place, now all I have left of him are memories and our daughter who smiles at me and looks at me with her father's eyes.

I want HIM back, not an illusion of him, not a replacement. Not a copy. I want my husband and I can't have anything but sorrow to keep me company, I'm so tired of pouring my heart out, there's nothing to be gained from my tears and memories so I will leave you with a sincere...I love you Lilsis, it's all I have left in me.

~JackieBlue~

Post edited by: JackieBlue, at: 10/04/2008 01:07

(((((HUGS)))))) .....Lilsis