Sex Addiction Support Group

Ok...so I could use some insight. I go to a mixed SAA meeting and about a month ago a new comer showed up. Man I was instantly attracted and he returns the attraction. We talk alot on the phone and it does stay very positive...I would say there is some flirtation but I really like him its nice to have someone I feel completely comfortable with and its not all about sex even though the desire is there. We have hung out a couple times in public settings never alone,am I towing the line? what do you think?

As I see it, if you were comfortable with this arrangement you'd have no need to ask what we think.

I personally have issues with mixed SA meetings for this reason. We have issues that we need to work through and I feel much more comfortable in men only meetings.

Some folks come to 12 step meetings whom we old timers refer to as 13th steppers. They, consciously or unconsciously are there to meet/attract members of the opposite sex. SA members in particular can be very vulnerable to the wrong kind of attention.

Only you can examine your interactions with this man and decide whether these interactions will act to aid or interfere with your recovery.

Please keep your eyes and mind open. The saying goes, "...to thine own self be true...".

You hit this one on the nail Newlen. One of the reasons I have not joined SAA meetings is because I knew I would not be strong enough to avoid going there looking for sex "opportunities". I'm not knocking SAA in any way - I think what they do is great - but it's just not for me. The thought of being in a room with women who are addicted to sex would be a natural turn-on, a dream come true. Even if it's a men-only meeting, the conversation alone might turn me on enough that I would leave the meeting ready to fall off the wagon again. This is why I'm going to a therapist where there can be one-on-one interaction without sexual overtones.

I personally have not experienced the problem you describe in men only meetings. Our rules state no sexually explicit language or details. Most of the men honor that and if someone is uncomfortable with something that is shared they are simply asked to raise their hand and the person sharing is then to alter their sharing to be more appropriate. Ofcourse I attend SA meetings with Alanon approved rules rather than SAA or SLAA meetings.

The only SA meeting I tried to attend, the man I met with before hand insisted I come clean with my wife about every little detail of my addiction. My wife knows about my addiction. Sometimes more than she wants. But I do not feel it nessacary to confess everything to her. Isn't there a step about admitting wrong to others unless it would cause more harm than good? She would rather see me get help instead of hearing about every dirty thought or action I've had or done. Am I wrong about this?

Post edited by: voxmann41, at: 08/18/2009 12:54 PM

No, you're not wrong. There is little sense or gain in telling her something that will hurt her. Details are unimportant. Women like honesty however and if she loves you and feels your honesty in your words she will come toward you emotionally. You need to do the same with her.

There may be much fear on your part in opening up to her and being intimate but it's just your own self image and insecurities that you need to overcome. These are the kinds of things your SA meetings should teach you.

You sound sincere in your desire for change. If you truly are it will come through when you talk with your wife as well. She can be of great assistance to you if you will only make a genuine effort to share with her. It's what all of us really, down deep want. Someone to be close with.

And that closeness is the antithesis of what porn does. Porn drives a wedge between people. Stop doing it and watch the difference in yourself and your relationship.

Voxmann, I have come to learn that porn (like drugs or gambling) are parasites that latch on to you and suck the life out of your life and your marriage. I think the notion of sharing a problem or "come clean" with your wife with a problem like this is overrated. This is because unlike a drug or gambling habit, sex addiction touches her intimately. It may make her feel inadequate, like she is the cause of it, like she should have been able to stop it because she is supposed to be your ONLY sexual partner. I think any man (or woman) that KNOWS that confessing it to his wife (or husband) will hurt her/him and your marriage more than help it, should try to resolve it by themselves with proper (one-on-one) counseling and she/he will only notice a better person in you without the hassle of the emotional baggage such a confession might bring to the relationship.

carlguy - you are entitled to your opinion, but I hold a different one. Women can handle the truth and still love and support their man. Yes, some women take away from the fact that their significant other is viewing porn etc. as a statement about their own desirability, but this is just not the case in most instances and a wife/girlfriend can get help with this in an S-anon meeting.

What women cannot handle are lies. The feeling of being betrayed and lied to by their man is the most devastating thing a woman can face when she loves and has trusted this most important person in her life. This betrayal is what 'touches her intimately'.

The fact, as I see it is that porn and extramarital relationships, whether they are cyber or physical relationships thrive on lies and deceit. Honesty and openness are what turns an addict and a relationship around. Porn tears at the human spirit. It moves a person away from his God and his inner spirit. When you lose the porn you begin to heal that spirit and I will tell you that the feeling that comes from healing one's spirit is wonderful.

The problem with hiding it and trying to overcome the addiction yourself is that it's a progressive disease and sooner or later she will discover all the hiding and lies and that's much more difficult to overcome in a marriage than telling her you have a problem. I don't think she has to know every detail about one's activities, but once one has gotten into an SA group and/or a counseling program and begins to recover they will learn the most helpful way to shed light on the secrets they've been keeping.

Honesty in a marriage can overcome many, many mistakes. Women love this and will respond positively almost every time.

I don't know about others but my problem with porn came about as a result of not having good self esteem and therefore a fear of being intimate with my wife. The people on the internet don't ask questions, don't need to be loved, are always avarlable and feel 'safe' to the addict. It's a low risk but also zero reward way to to live. Very shallow for me and very destructive.

Once one gets into counseling/SA and decides to confront this issue with his spouse it is still difficult to do because of the intimacy issues, but if you want a real relationship with with her you need to begin recovery and then learn how to mend it with her.

I am finding the reward for this is beyond anything I could write here. It's been the most difficult thing I've ever done, but we are much happier as a couple for it.

Please don't use your fear of intimacy and opening up as an excuse to keep the truth from her.

Newlen, point taken my friend. However, every person needs to analyze their personal situation and how their partner is going to take this. This can be a real burden to your partner and can bring about feelings of guilt and inadequacy. The confession alone might end your marriage.

I truly do not mean to knock the SA meetings, but the one thing I have learned through personal therapy is that Sex addiction, unlike alcohol, is diverse. Some alcoholics will drink beer, others wine, others anything. For them, there is no addictive difference between beer, wine or any other form of booze. At SA, the 12-step program doesn't distinguish between the different forms of sexual addiction. They use an "every addiction is the same" approach. Someone struggling with a shoe fetish will be given the same 12 steps as someone addicted to pornography. The husband cheating on his wife will be advised to use the same behavior modification techniques as the sex addict who's never had a long-term relationship. How can you expect a newbie (like in voxmann's case) to confess every sordid detail to his wife at the onset of trying to resolve his issue? I'm sorry, but that approach is poison for the marriage. Let the man try to rehabilitate himself BEFORE facing his wife. Then he can be in a more stable mindset that will help him deflect any bad feelings and allow his wife to better understand and come to terms with her husband's illness.

The main problem I have right now is I cannot afford counseling and the only SA meeting I found here in Des Moines, as I have said, is they want me to confess everyting to my wife. And I think that this is wrong. So at the moment, I'm kinda stuck