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08/01/2009 11:58 PM

What do you do in the middle of the night

donjehavon
Posts: 28
New Member

This is the question? You are frustrated you haven't had sex, no one else is around. You masturbate. This is the pattern. You figure it might put you to sleep. Maybe all the things in your head will settle down. Maybe you could have some peace, now that the urge is not so strong. You pray for deliverance, you ask God to take this urge away from you. You don't listen when it is thundering and your hormones are raging. You can hear, all you can think of is release and relief. But then you can't sleep. Although through out the porn video you wish you had a woman that you liked to have sex with you. Someone who you can be proud to be with, this is the glamorization. The women look so willing to do what you wish your wife would do. Have sex, why is that such a hard subject for women to understand. Men want to have sex, esp if they are married they feel entitled to it. And still the desert is dry. I don't know how I am going to overcome this thing. It not so much I think is bad to masturbate, but the porn is bad. The lack of self control is bad. So what else can you do when the monster is calling your name?
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08/02/2009 08:19 AM
NewLen
NewLen  
Posts: 286
Member

What is the rest of your relationship like with your wife? Do you show her that you love her...do little things for her?

Women like romance and it's not the kind of things that most men think of as romance. It's not just candle light dinners etc.

It's doing little things around the house to help her. Sitting and talking with her about how she's feeling. Being attentive. Women see this as caring and romantic and respond positively to it, especially if it is done for them and not for some pay back later.

And trust me, they can tell the difference. Do things and then don't ask her if she's noticed what you've done. Just do them for her without thought of a pay back in bed.

This is what I call establishing good karma, bringing the two of you together emotionally.

If she loves you and sees that you care for her she will respond with more closeness to you as well.

The reason women don't understand the porn movies is that they are not visually turned on as we are. They are romantically turned on and when their lover views those movies they feel betrayed, angry and what I call less than. They think they are not good enough and can not measure up to the silicone injected, "perfect" images some of us use to relieve ourselves. A man who's been caught doing the porn thing needs to show his wife that he is truly repentant and that she comes first for him.

I have been in this position and have come to realize that stopping looking at the movies and focusing on her in some of the ways I've outlined above creates the kind of karma one needs to overcome the pain and negative feelings she has experienced as a result of my using porn. I've had to start thinking about my wife in an entirely different way. As a much more important person in my life.

I've also entirely cut out the porn and she is slowly realizing that I mean what I say because I'm walking the walk and not just talking about it. For me it's been an entirely different mindset and it works for me. Everything between us is slowly improving.

It takes time and dedication.

Post edited by: NewLen, at: 08/02/2009 08:21 AM


08/03/2009 03:16 PM
MrsB
Posts: 4
New Member

i am a woman who has felt and thought the same thing you do....my husband is thirty and im twenty and hes wonderful to me and we are happy...but i get angry and frustrated if he only has sex with me six times a week instead of seven or once a day instead of two or three or four times. ive been to SA and i still cant seem to get enough of him. i dont watch porn or masturbate all the time i just want his sex. all the time. i dont look for other people but im just like a man...why is it so hard to make love to me?????????

08/03/2009 03:50 PM
bekahmoody
Posts: 7
New Member

Its been tuff on me as I am also co dependent and do not like to be alone and due to my actions and behaviours I am seperated from my husband. I have been working a 12 step program but since my speration I have been acting out mostly dealing with the middle of the night cravings and alone time. Its easier when I have the kids with me its only the couple nights they are away I don't know what to do with myself....

08/04/2009 09:33 AM
NewLen
NewLen  
Posts: 286
Member

I think the type of relationship will dictate how a partner will respond to requests for sex.

If one feels that their partner is coming from a place of neediness in wanting them all the time it can be draining. Almost giving the feeling of being used by the needy partner for relief.

On the other hand if one comes from a place of making love a person wanting his/her spouse would be much more welcomed.

Possibly you should look not so much at the in-bed time but what goes on at various other times during the relationship.


08/11/2009 10:52 PM
donjehavon
Posts: 28
New Member

It seems like I can't stop. I am seperated and soon as I leave her house, I come back to my house and I masturbate. When I go out in the shopping, I get women looking at me like they want me. It wouldn't take much to strike up a relationship with them and have sex. I have a woman right now I can call for sex. The killer part is I am trying to change. I don't know if I am getting back with my wife. I am not even sure that is the right thing to do, she is a controlling manipulative person at times. It just I think about all the sex I am missing out on. Then I look at the porn and think that fine girl should be with me. Why couldn't I get a real fine girl like that. I go to Walmart or Sam's club or anywhere I see all this fine women that I want to have sex with but I don't pursue. Because I am trying to be faithful to my marriage.

08/12/2009 08:46 AM
NewLen
NewLen  
Posts: 286
Member

don - you cannot do it by yourself. You need some outside help with this. Sexaholics Anonymous is a great one because you will get support there and different perspective.

Another alternative is counseling. You sound very much like you want change but it will not come by itself. You need to work at it. Use the tools that are available to you and you will see change.


08/14/2009 12:51 PM
Diezgalletas
DiezgalletasPosts: 65
Member

I agree with NewLen 100%. You need outside help, because you will always have those urges. I don't think it happens because you don't get enough sex from your wife, or because you can't get a hot-porn-looking woman.

No matter who you are in a relationship with, the disease of sexual addiction will always threaten your relationship unless you get some counseling.

It sounds like you are struggling bit time right now, I kind of go through phases where I don't really worry about it too much, then my body goes through this hormone peak where I feel like I'll go crazy if I don't have sex with someone. Thankfully most of the time I don't really have access to anyone who would have anonymous sex with me so I'm usually stopped from doing something self-destructive by my circumstance. Thank God!

Bekahmoody:

I can SO identify with you, I'm usually stopped from committing mistakes because I have a daughter to take care of, but she went away for a few months over the summer a few years ago and I just went crazy. I was almost never home, hooking up with coworkers and looking up old partners, even meeting people I had met online. It was terrible. I've been able to control myself for the past few years but lately it's been getting worse. That's why I joined this site, there's no SA chapter close to me so this is the best lifeline I have.

I wish us both good luck and LOTS of self-control. Smile


08/14/2009 10:23 PM
NewLen
NewLen  
Posts: 286
Member

Diez - Check for SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts) in your area. You might get lucky and have one of them near by. If not there is always counseling. Make sure it you do decide to see a counselor that he/she is certified in Sexual matters. It's important that they know what they are doing or the help will be minimal.

08/16/2009 07:56 AM
Diezgalletas
DiezgalletasPosts: 65
Member

I'm going to check that out thank you, NewLen.

There was actually a support group that I went to a couple of times about 40 minutes away from me. It was for survivors of sexual abuse but a lot of us had a sexual addiction so it was nice to talk to them. I stopped going for a few reasons. I changed jobs and it was no longer on my way home from work, I couldn't really afford to pay their $15 fee every week, and the therapist who interviewed me at the beginning made me feel like she was skeptical about the way my abuse stopped.

She said she'd never heard anything like that in her entire career and she kept acting that way with me every once in a while when I contributed my thoughts to the group.

It would be nice to join a group again, though. I remember the first week I went happened to be the week that a lot of the ladies went out for a bite to eat after group. I met so many strong women there. I really miss it. Sad

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