Sex Addiction Support Group

Has anybody strung their behaviors (over days or even months) that set up the date of relapse back into the compulsive, obsessive, destructive and addictive use of sex? Can this strengthen preventing relapse in the undefinite future?

As someone who doesn't have much time in and therefore not much time to 'slip' I have not acted out since my first SA meeting which was June 13th.

I have had days when the thoughts were there and have managed to distract myself by reading/posting here and on other sites, until they passed.

They say that it gets easier over time as the program and good thoughts kick in and the old habits start to recede.

Thoughts like "Just once more", "nobody will notice" and "remember how good it felt" are often enough for me to relapse.

I have found that substituting the good feeling with another "fix", such as chocolate sometimes works, but this can be dangerous as I am starting to become overweight.

Part of the "cure" may lie in finding a greater source of self esteem, but I must be careful not to become too proud. It is a narrow path.

Getting through this initial time of abstinence is important. Then you will want to work to figure out what caused the self esteem issues and how to correct your mindset. Learning that you are a good person and loved by a higher power will change your life.

I can help you with your self esteem issues if you'd like. I've been in ACOA for 25 years dealing with my childhood issues.

I ride a bike....long (20 miles a day) and hard (avg. speed 18mph) to work the fat off. I would be like the side of a house if I didn't....lol.

Exercise is great for working off the crazies.

Give yourself credit for all this work you are starting on yourself. You obviously want better and you will get it if you continue.

Tell us more about your situation. Are you married? Do you have people close to you that you can get support from?

I'm married, but my wife knows I should be more intelligent than to do what I did, where I did it. I don't know if she'll stand by me if I do lose my job.

My employer hasn't confronted me on the matter, and they haven't caught me in the act, but they may have noticed changes in my behaviour. I haven't been confronted on the matter, but I'm getting paranoid that they're looking for evidence.

I too ride my bike daily, though it is only to and from work, which works out at no more than 4 miles each day. However, I have taken to doing excersises such as star jumps when in private instead of falling back into my old ways.

It's already starting to work, as there's more definition in my arms, which is giving me some self esteem. There's still a lot of worry, but if I still have my job after this week it should be gone.

Hi thetarget -

My wife was in a similar place when we first went at it over my habits. She couldn't believe that I'd throw away our marriage over porn. I was frightened initially that we were so far apart that it would not be repairable. I'm finding that I can work hard enough and she loves me enough to make it work. It does take work.

You have to want to stop. Just stop. Get to meetings, read, come here and post. Immerse yourself in this stuff instead of the porn etc.

Your paranoia at work may be your conscience working on you. Clean it all up at work and at home and resolve to change. It can be done.....if you sincerely want it.

Get back when you can.

The more I read into it, the more I understand the problem.

While the urges can be stronger than will power alone some times, it is important to distract yourself when the urges occur. Find a crowd, go for a walk, try to help somebody with something, etc.

The most difficult thing to confront is the shame. While I feel this forum is helpful, I feel that I cannot talk to anybody face to face regarding the problem. If I can overcome my shame, I think I will have taken a big step away from the problem and towards happiness.

I think my job is safe, and the worry is starting to subside. Hopefully I won't grow complaicent and give in again.

Post edited by: thetarget, at: 07/15/2009 01:52 PM

If you want it bad enough you will continue to focus on your marriage and work with your wife to improve that.

Is she giving you the impression that she is willing to work with you?

I know a lot about shame. I've lived with it for my entire life. It can be overcome. It may not ever leave entirely but knowing the reasons for it are key.

Why do you feel unable to talk with someone face to face? There are people trained to help with these issues. They will not judge you. Do you feel shame from childhood stuff?

Tell me about what's going on inside.

Keep working. You sound very sincere....just unsure of yourself but that can be worked on. There is a way out of this. You need to have faith. It's a process.

I haven't told her about it. I don't know how she'll react. But our relationship is built on trust, so the longer I leave it the worse it will be.

I don't know where my nearest councellor or psychiatrist is based, but I could look it up.

My problem doesn't stem from childhood, but more from my college years. While I was probably a little too old to be watching cartoons such as Totally Spies, in which shapely drawn young women battle the evils of the world in figure hugging costumes, I'd find myself looking for images of them on the internet. Some of these images included pictures of them tied up, or worse. But because the whole thing was sugar-coated in bright colours and didn't involve real women, I told myself that it was OK. It got worse from there, even though I enjoyed it at the time.

So your wife knows nothing about any of this?

If that's the case it would seem that your coming clean about

it would be something in your favor. It's obviously a concern

for you and it's an addiction. Hopefully she will come to realize that you will need her support and hopefully her understanding in order to move forward.

The most important aspect after admitting to yourself that you have a problem is to be as totally honest as possible with yourself and with your spouse. The addiction thrives on lies and deceit and dies when it's brought out into the light.

I would start looking for a counselor who specializes in Sex Addiction. There have been problems in cases where people went

for help with this problem and were not given appropriate care due

to lack of knowledge on the counselor's part.

My reaction to: "My problem doesn't stem from childhood, but more from my college years."

These interests don't just pop up for no reason. I would think that something triggered this interest in you.

I suggest that you get into counseling and look for either or both SAA or SA locally. There is much power and support in those groups and you will find help.

You have made a great start here. Hopefully you will follow through now and work to change your life.