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08/26/2011 02:13 PM

I'm married to a porn addict

Newlife101
Posts: 1
New Member

Hello all,

I am the wife of a porn addict. I recently separated from him because he got fired from work for looking at porn. I knew about this problem for years. I have caught him at his computer and also found photos that he was looking at online. He was also flirting with girls at work and admitted that he would have had an affair with them if the opertunity came up. I even found a journal of his saying how much he wanted to have sex with his coworker. Now, I know some people don't think its wrong for a guy to look at pictures of other women. I, however find it extremely even offensive and not something I am willing to put up with in my marriage. I dealt with it even though the pain was just the same as if he had cheated on me. I had no idea he was so bad that it was becoming a problem at work. He had a good job, I was working part time for a company I loved. Then he "mysteriously" got fired and didn't tell me why. I had questions and doubts but I pushed them aside. I went back to work full time at a job I did not like. At this point he was not interested in me hardly at all and staying up late to "work" on the computer.

I'm not stupid, I knew what was going on.

So I asked him to tell me why he got fired. I told him I basically knew anyway. He told me he did get fired for looking at porn at work. It was an ongoing problem.

I decided to separate from him. We do not have children, but over the many years we have been married he has always said he'd "get help" and "get better." He did go to treatment for a time. But obviously my pleading for him to get help didn't last and he quit going to his therapist.

I am not a prude. I just want a husband that is not addicted, who I can trust, and who will not get fired from work. He is now saying this is "my fault" because I was mean to him in the course of our marriage. Now I know I did some things wrong, but I would say our marriage had the normal number of disagreements. That doesn't give him the right to look at porn. He says he knows he is an addict, but is unwilling to go to group therapy and is still blaming me for his addiction. I set up 3 ground rules ;

1) He gets into therapy

2) He gets back on medication (he is bipolar)

3) He holds down a job and does not get fired.

He said he couldn't guarantee any of those and it was "very wrong" for me to set up "demands."

At this point I'm hurt, angry and alone. I am tired of dealing with someone who does't want to put in the effort and admit he has a problem. I do love him, but I hate the addiction. At this point, I don't know if we can repair the damage that was done. I'm half way expecting to get some strange STD from him someday if I go back to him. I'm afraid that if I go back, it will all be the same and I waste my life with someone who doesn't want to change.

any comments welcome. Thank you for reading.

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08/26/2011 11:18 PM
JonesFallsX
JonesFallsX  
Posts: 430
Member

Welcome Newlife101. Breaking free and starting fresh is a scary and painful time. This forum is open to all and you will always have a place here. My advice, which is just that: the advice of an addict and a codependent (not a professional opinion), is to take things slowly. Focus on healing and taking care of yourself and avoid rash decisions if you can. You have a right to your feelings and boundaries.
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