Separation & Divorce Online Support Group

This is the first time I've posted here, or anywhere. I've had one appointment with a therapist and will be continuing. I have been separated from my wife of 6 six years (5 years living in sin before )for 5 months now. We have a six year old boy. I was so devastated by her throwing me out that I attempted suicide after 6 weeks living at my sister's house. I'm feeling better but can't imagine moving on. I am still very much in love with her. She wants to be friends. The original breakup was "I love you as a friend, but I'm not in love with you anymore."

We still get along well, but she has lost all romantic notions. We do spend time as a family with our son once or twice a week. She has not filed papers yet, but maintains that she will.

I used to have a drug problem. I went into treatment 3 years ago and completed it. She has told me that she stopped really being in love with me when I went in, and was been 'trying to make it work' for the past 2 years. I became ill with neurological ailment similiar to huntington's disease as a consequence of the past drug abuse. The final straw was a bad reaction to my pain medication and cough syrup that caused a blackout, during which I hit her. I want her back more than anything. However, I need to be realistic, and for my son's sake I can't afford to try ending it again.

I need some general tips, advice, do's and don'ts for maintaining my sanity and not straining our relationship any further.

I am in a similar position trying to get my spouse back. We started counseling on 12/2/11 and we will see where it leads us. I was the one who also used the phrase "I love you but I am not in love with you anymore" to leave and then ended up having a nervous breakdown. Thought I was in love with someone else. I am also bipolar, so the illness had to do with me doing the leaving too. In retrospect, it was a huge mistake.

The first thing I recommend is to focus on yourself. Are you certain that the incident when you hit her will never repeat? Are you keeping yourself clean? These are concerns she may have.

Also, do things that make you happy and fulfilled, look at your best when you see her, and just be content to have her friendship. The more you pressure her, the more she will pull away. Have patience, the contact that you have will her may help win her back if you remind her of how you were when you first fell in love.

A helpful link is

http://www.marriagehelper.com/ can_one_spouse_save_a_marriage.php

Thankyou so much for the reply and the good advice. I'm schizoaffective aside from the new neurological stuff which is basically mild bipolar and mild schizophrenia mashed together. I do enjoy her friendship and I try to be fulfilled in my life away from her, but there's just something always missing. I do have trouble maintaining distance because of it...

I do hope that you and your partner find the resolution that is best for you both. That you are dedicated to working on it is wonderful. My own mood swings project differing images of myself, which can be so detrimental to trust. Rule #1: Always take your meds how you're supposed to. Rule #2: Don't make any big decisions or proclamations while the emotions are running hot. Rule #3: Be able to forgive yourself.

Best of wishes,

Dan

Dan,

I violated all of your 3 rules six months ago, which put me on a spot. In all fairness, Rule 1 I violated inadvertedly as I was not diagnosed with bipolar yet. Definitely violated 2 and 3 in the middle of mania.

Now, I am finally able to forgive myself. Please let me know how it goes, you can PM me too.