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03/06/2009 12:44 AM

First time I have admitted this openly

threetimesmom
 
Posts: 9
New Member

Hello all,

I came to MDJunction.com to find a support group for my husband who was recently diagnosed as bipolar. I am at my whits end with my marriage and am growing more and more depressed. As is I was searching the site, I found this group. When I was a teen I "discovered" cutting. I did it the first time on the back of my hand when I was upset. It just made me feel SOOOOO much better. After that I continued to do it. No one ever asked me about it, not even my parents, although it was very obvious (now that I think about it). I was sexually abused growing up and now understand that SI was my way of coping.

I did it one time in college when my then boyfriend (who is now my husband) was being mean to me for some reason. I took a straight pin and went in the bathroom and cut myself until I calmed down. It really took the edge off. He noticed it and for the first time someone asked me about it. He made me swear to him that I would never do it again...and I was good until 2007. That is when things started to drift out of control.

Over the years, he has become more and more unstable. He really lost it last year and I asked him to get help. During one of his moments of being incredibly cruel, I asked him to stop over and over again. I finally got a steak knife and told him to stop or I would cut myself. He was in a manic state so I just started cutting away. He just stood there and never stopped me. This happened a few more times during arguements and he it was as if he enjoyed seeing me hurt. Now, I have all of these horrible scars on my arms and I dread the warmer months when people will start asking questions. How am I supposed to deal with that?

When he is not being cruel to me I don't have the urges to SI. I did so good for years. I am trying to stay in the marriage to support him, but I am having a terrible time of coping. I have gone to therapy, but feel that if I don't get away from him there is no telling what might happen. If I stay, I will hurt myself to cope. If I go I am terrified of what he might do to me or himself. It is a terrible cycle. The few friends who have stayed around say that I should leave, but with the state of economy we don't have the money to separate. After many terrible events, he was finally sent to a psychiatric facility last week. This situation is spiraling out of control.

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03/06/2009 01:06 AM
pixiedust430
pixiedust430  
Posts: 2414
VIP Member

Hello hun and welcome to the group. I am bipolar, a fellow self injurer, bulimia and rape so I have a bundled up understanding of your situation and the feelings. I recommend the bipolar group for you and many others if you find you need one. This site really has saved people. I am definitely one of them. Often with sexual assaults your body just naturally kicks in and guards you from possibly devastating emotions. You get numb and then the cutting comes into play. I may be over stepping so please take no offense but from my experience with bipolar you really have to be on a good med or meds and take them consistantly(people under estimate what a couple hours can do. This might help along with therapy for the both of you. I get extremely manic and cycle rapidly. I never wanted to hurt my husband but I even tried to smother him with a pillow when we were dating. Sometimes I think it was me trying to push him from me so I wouldn't hurt him(emotionally) and another part of me wanted someone to be miserable with me. This is not rational but neither is bipolar. You really have to want to take control of either of these diseases or they run away with you. You can tell people what you want or nothing. Honesty worked best for me but I also went to great expense to cover. Do what is best for you now. This can really be overwhelming. Even if you aren't with him it is important that you seek help. When you were assaulted you armed yourself with a weapon which was your new coping device. Unhealthy but reliable. I agree that him being bipolar is incredibly hard but you cut because it is your blanket and it soothed you. You may leave him but when the next bad event happens I feel you will use that convenient shield. You know the relationship and what you are willing to put up with but a stay at a psych hospital to get meds smooth and him wanting to be better and he could be a new person. Just get your life healthy and remember you have us. You can figure seperations when he has a clear head to discuss or understand. If you need anything or have any questions please feel free to ask or send me a PM. I will help you all I can and I have tons of info on these and many diseases. I am disabled by my bipolar and PTSD. Goodluck sweetie!

03/06/2009 06:21 AM
CherrieAngel
CherrieAngel  
Posts: 1268
Senior Member

Hello there and welcome to the group. I'm not sure I can add much more to what pixie said, she sure knows her stuff Smile

SI is an addiction and one that is very hard to control and even harder to stop completely. I'm 33 yrs old and just learned that its addictive this past year.

We are all here to support and listen to one another, so I hope you feel comfortable enough to post anything you like. No one will judge you or speak negatively in any way, this is what's special about this group Smile


03/06/2009 07:18 AM
threetimesmom
 
Posts: 9
New Member

Thank you both for your words. I really have hit rock bottom and am doing everything that I possibly can to not resort to what "felt good" before...(SI).

I did join the bipolar group and found a lot of information there. It is so hard to try to be a caregiver of a man who is obviously hurting. Yet, I feel like a vitim of the disease at the same time and have to fight to survive. So how do I nuture someone and fight for safety at the same time? The incident that sparked this most recent situation is that I begged him to get help. To make a VERY long story short, he told me that he was going to therapy and that his therapist told him to beat me up and break some bones. Since he is very emotionally abusive and has no control over what he says to me, he said that his therapist told him that men who beat their wives have to learn how to feel remorse. After he told me this, he went from being mentally abusive to edging toward doing exactly what he was told..physically abusive. There were a few times that I was in total fear for my life. Well, the truth is that he NEVER went to therapy. The scary part is that although he lied about this and so much more (like that during the counseling appointments, he said that his therapist asked him to "be a man and hit me"Wink he actually believes everything that he is saying. If I had not found out that he was lying, it would have been a matter of time before he would have really hurt me and/or the kids. Is compulsive lying part of being bipolar? He has always lied about everything under the sun and always believes his lies no matter what.

I know that all of the above information has nothing to do with SI and I need to ask those questions at the other group. However, my pain in this siuation is really causing me to want to feel better the old fashion way for me...SI. It is totally amazing that I can be going through the worst time in my life, but cutting myself until I am bleeding always makes me feel soooooo much better. It really is like a drug. I am a social worker and the sad truth is that I know how the brain works and had done really well up until recently with coping with the SI.

Everything hit the fan about a year and a half ago when my mother brought up the guys name who raped me for years. When I told my parents about the abuse when I was 19, they felt that I had made up the years of abuse (it wasn't until 4 months ago that my mother told me that it was just to hard for her to admit that I was hurt and she didn't do anything. So saying that I lied was easier. Those years where when the SI started). Nevertheless, just hearing they guy's name so nonchalantly from my mother sent me over the edge again. I went into a great depression, but was able to not SI myself. It wasn't until during an arguement, my husband said he only sees me as a rape victim and has never been able to touch me without thinking it. He only said it to hurt me (as he told me later), but that did it! That SI switch turned on and I have been fighting it every since. What has made it worse has been the times that he has wanted to have sex and I don't and end up being forced into it. All of the pain comes rushing back.

I am doing all that I can to find different ways of coping. I love to write, read and journal. So, I had been doing that for years. Now that is not enough. Journaling about what is going on is really setting me off, so writing is not the answer write now. The only thing that is working somewhat is prayer, but I am getting to the point that I'm very angry with God for putting me in the situation. Then when I realize that He didn't put me in this position...I did, my anger turns inward and then the SI thoughts begin. A vicious cyle...

My husband was supposed to start his 10 day assessment at the psychiatric hospital today to find out how bad his bipolar disorder is. However, he decided to lie all morning and then go to work instead of the hospital. I wish that they would have kept him on Tuesday when his doctor sent him to the hospital, but they felt that he was healthy enough to come home. He has been at me all week and his doctor won't call me back. Now I sit trying to figure out how to cope and know what I want to do, only fighting not to...

Thank you guys for being here. I am so thankful that my fingers were lead me here last night. I don't know how I would have coped today. Thank you thank you...


03/06/2009 07:31 AM
pixiedust430
pixiedust430  
Posts: 2414
VIP Member

Hey hun. Yes lying and cheating and speeding and all other random things can go with bipolar. We still have a conscence. He has not right to be abusive. Honestly hun, I am no doc but he seems like he might have delusions or multi personality or even just lying. The help you can give him is staying safe. He is unable to act responsibly and that's not all illness. Most states will allow the spouse to commit their partner for 72 hrs if the person themselvesor others a threatened. Take care of you and don't give the bipolar excuse to him to use. I went off the deep once and while it was hard to stop I knew the bad I was causing.

03/06/2009 07:51 AM
princess421
pirateprincess421  
Posts: 31179
VIP Member

Welcome Three. I have to agree with Pixie on this one. I hope everything works out with your husband, but remember you can't "make" him go or do anything he's not ready for. As for you...keep yourself safe. You are the one that needs care right now. Do what you can to help yourself. We will be here to help you if you need it,

03/06/2009 08:04 AM
threetimesmom
 
Posts: 9
New Member

Pixie, I am trying to hold him accountable for some of what he is doing. As I have told him time and time again, he can control some of what he is doing. It seems that he is enjoying this "new found freedom" to be able to blame his actions on something else. I have seen this time and time again with my clients that once they are diagnosed, they feel that they are free to do as they please. I try to tell them that they have personal responsiblity take as much control as they can. It isn't until they really want help that this subsides. I understand that acting out can be part of the sadness of being diagnosed...no one wants to be this way. However, it still hurts those around you.

Princess and Cherrie, your support and just knowing that you are here means more than you know. Since I have been reading your posts, I have been able to get up, do some thigns with my daughter and do some house work. Usually during time of day, I am sitting on the cough in depression. Knowing that I am not alone is so wonderful!

You guys are a joy! Today I feel that I can actually breath without feeling that there is something toxic in the air.


03/06/2009 07:33 PM
hannah08
hannah08  
Posts: 412
Member

Hey Three,

Welcome to the group. I am really glad that Princess, Pixie and Cherrie could be there for you. I wanted to reinforce the fact that you really do need to take of yourself and focus on keeping yourself and your kids safe. I know that bipolar can be very disruptive and challenging to say the least but it is not a replacement for conscience and integrity. I also understand the anger you feel at God but remember that through it all He loves you. As His child remember that he has empowered you with His strength even when your own seems to have failed you. He is carrying you right now sweetie, not walking beside you. I will be praying for you. Please feel free to PM me anytime.

hannah


03/07/2009 12:32 AM
threetimesmom
 
Posts: 9
New Member

Thanks Hanna! I was crying earlier and kept asking God why was this happening and begging for help. You know, He is always on time, because I got the strength to get up and check my email. That is when I found the messages that were left here. I just had to cry some more in joy for having beautiful people share a kind word and information on situations that are seeming to control my life. He who is in total control of it all, sent you guys to me today to give me hope, peace and a feeling of knowing that I am not alone! I hug you all!!!

03/07/2009 06:28 PM
hannah08
hannah08  
Posts: 412
Member

Big Hugs Back!!! I am glad He used us to help lift you up.

hannah

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