Self-Injury Support Group

I am a cutter. I was clean for 8 years, but have relapsed. It's kind of hard to explain my current situation because I really don't understand it myself. When I was 13 I would slice my arm up in anger and I was depressed because my mother and step father kept fighting and I had to calm my siblings and act like everything was ok. I'm 22 now and I'm much better compared to then, but I like I said, relapsed. I cut for a very different reason now. I get these fits of euphoria, just craziness, tension built up inside of me and nothing, not journal writing or screaming into my pillow helps. It's almost like a literal itch in my belly I can never scratch, unless I cut- if I cut, the tension bleeds away.

Well, yeah, that's my situation in brief. I hope to talk to others in the same boat.

Hi Owens!

I am a cutter myself - but I recently took it up. I didn't cut as a teenager (not that I didn't think about it or want to do it). I just started about 6 months ago. For me, it's not the pain, because if it hurts too much I won't do it. It's almost an anxiety release. I get the same itching / craving feeling where I feel I need to just to release the anxiety. So, I feel ya

AM

Cool, so I'm not alone. If it's not through pain, how is your anxiety released? Through the act itself?

Nope! You are not alone.

For me (not to be morbid) - it's the blood. (Sometimes it's the act.) It's very subconscience though, I don't actually like to see it consciencely. I am also a "picker" too. I have been since I was really young. I still do it today this day - you can notice when my anxiety is bad through out the day, I am always picking at my arms. I guess it's all a mix of the blood, the act and the pain.

Don't worry, I'm not morbid, but I save the little cotton squares that I use to clean up the blood to note the bloodloss in each cut. It's a cautionary thing, so I can try to control it and not take it too far, for example, I am use to a box cutter which is rougher on the skin and leaves superficial cuts that hurt more than they bleed ( unless you're really pressing) but I've traded up for double edge razors which are almost opposite (at least to me) in that they don't really hurt when they cut but bleed profusely. As I was more release through pain than release through blood, that really surprised me.

The subconcious is pretty powerful in that it seeks out what you want without you noticing you're seeking out. I'm the same with scab picking, I don't notice I'm doing it until I feel the rawness of pulled skin.

Box cutter? That must be rough on the skin. I use to take the blades out of my shaving razors (typically a men's 5 blade). It was a bit smoother.

I didn't realize it was the blood until one time I tried to cut on my arm. I ended up with about 10 superficial cuts and barely any blood. After I did that I immediately went back to cutting my thigh. (Which is where I typically cut prior) With my doctor, we figured out that subconsciencely, I rejected cutting on my arm due to the lack of blood.

Yeah, it's rough but it felt comforting to me. Only a day of disposing it and I feel lost.

It's good you're able to see a doctor about it and figure things out like that. Does the doc ever give you coping mechanisms? Does anything else help release the anxiety or does blood seem to be the only thing that works?

I understand. I used Adderall for about 6 months (it wasn't prescribed to me) within 3 days, I felt lost.

Coping Mechanisms? Meh, my doctor that I had at that time was only a resident and still learning. One good thing he taught me was when I have the urge to cut - put my hand in a pot of ice water (add ice cubes to make it colder). If causes the release for pain, but doesn't cause any damage. I typically cut during my "freak out" moments (which occurred anywhere from 2-4 times a month). Managing everyday anxiety is still something I haven't mastered.

Ah, I have a very similar thing. I take an ice cube and grip it in my hand tight and let it burn away the tension, or I take a cube and trace it over nearly healed cuts and simulate cutting motions until it stings like a cut. You can even imagine the water dripping down the arm is blood. A friend taught me this, and she uses red dye in the cubes so the water looks like blood.

My "moments" are about once or twice a day. I always use the ice method first, sometimes it's enough and sometimes it's not.

Oh no I'm sorry. I hope your ice trick works more often than not. Have you seen a pdoc or a therapist?

I did find something today that helped manage my anxiety. I was having pretty bad anxiety this morning that was quickly turning to anger. I had to go to my therapist appointment though. I found the driving and loud music helped calm and distracted from my anxiety. I need to had that one to my box of tricks more often!