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10/28/2011 02:14 PM

hi (trigger)

Xro7x
Xro7x  
Posts: 212
Member
I'm an Advocate

I was dx in 2007. as well as bipolar 2 im a recovering addict and cutter. i have 3 kids and an amazing wife. After i was dx it took a while for me to find the right meds, but i did and i was stable for over two years. About 2 months ago or maybe longer i had emergency surgey and was stuck at home for 6 weeks. the thing in the meds at the hospial sent my bipolar into chaos and now back on heavey meds. even with the heavy meds im still having manic mixed and depresed episodes every day. my job makes me manic and then i crash each and every day. there are also other parts of bp that i have been dealing with but i dont know how to tell or who to tell. I dont have a pdoc only a md with some psyc expericance. As of late, the urge to self harm is back full bore, its all i can think about im hiding "things" around my house for when the moment comes. i long to be stable again, i dont like me when im like this. It causes strain in all the relationships in my life. Im lost heading for rock bottom again this time im bringing a shovel so i can keep digging. today i started to cut for the first time in years. i felt bad for diong i but it felt so satisfying and good. i did it at work where i have free access to blades the hardst part was hiding the aftermath from coworkers and bosses. now i have to hide tis from the wife, the urges are so strong that im feeling weak fighting them thus my giving in to day. i have blades hidden around my house barn and garage, lets see if i can make it thru the weekend

Post edited by: Xro7x, at: 11/02/2011 05:46 AM

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10/28/2011 09:59 PM
stand2endure
stand2endure  
Posts: 369
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I'm an Advocate

Kevin, We are glad you are here. Have you let your doctor know about this? You might ought to so that he can recommend you a pdoc that specializes in this area to help you or maybe he might need to adjust your meds.

Some of the meds can cause some crazy side effects but your doctor doesn't know about them unless you tell him.

There is also treatment centers that specialize in self harm also. You could try 1-800-DONTCUT and see what they can recommended as well.

Please keep us posted on how your doing and I hope you get through the weekend too. Just take it a little at a time. We are here if you need to talk.

s2e Smile

Post edited by: stand2endure, at: 10/28/2011 10:01 PM


10/29/2011 07:29 AM
peasha
peasha  
Posts: 1374
VIP Member

Hi Kevin I am glad you chose to share with us. You are definately in the right place for understanding and compassion. We all have times where chaos seems to take over and it is just a mess to get things back in order again.

It sounds like you are having one of those times, and you seem to count on order and routine to make it through the day comfortably. I would suggest to try and set up a specific routine and make sure you put as much stuff as you can into your day to keep you occupied till the end of the day at least. Focus on keeping the kiddos having fun and maybe plan some time with the wife if you can. You WILL get this under control cause you have already seen the benefits of what it can be like for you when you are stable. Surgery was rough and it changed everything so maybe that is why all of this is flooding back.

Have you tried to let your wife in on the feelings that you have been having? It is extremely important to have your wife on board with your recovery from this addiction that way you will have a physical support with you too rather than only a out of home support group. We will be here every step of the way for you and PLEASE come to us to post and vent before resorting to SI sometimes writing can help to lessen the pain and urgency to SI a little so it is controlable at least. We have a coping thread in the support page you can check out too. If you need anything let us know we are always checking in to see how everyone is doing alright?

Alicia


10/31/2011 02:06 PM
Xro7x
Xro7x  
Posts: 212
Member
I'm an Advocate

There is no way that i could open up about this to my wife, i know that she will just get super angry and storm out of the room and not talk to me for about 4 to 5 hours hiding in the bathroom. I know this from experiance.

I made it thru the weekend ok, the urge was there but i cant do that when i have my kids. I also managed to hide the cuts from the wife as its getting cold up here and was wearing a hoodie all weekend. may be thats the thing go back to hiding it and let it happen. Im at work right now and the urge so strong that i dont think that i will be able to stop it. I have everything i need tool, time, privacy soon, oh im loosing it i know, please some advice to help? any Canadian resouses? im gona lose to this urge and i know its just going to continue


11/04/2011 11:10 AM
peasha
peasha  
Posts: 1374
VIP Member

Having support is so important and I would suggest finding someone close to have some personal support by you too. Not sure if there any canadian resources but I will look into it. I apologize for taking so long to reply, been talking to another group member that got in a really bad car wreck and is having some troubles so the days just flew by without me realizing it.

I know there are alaska resources which is where I'm at. Have you tried establishing a routine for your day to help you stay busy all day? Keeping yourself busy should help keep your mind off of this a little bit. Terry music, involving the children in stuff you do and whatever you do DON'T be alone cause that's what gets to us the most. Without a physical presence its hard to control the stronger urges.


11/04/2011 01:30 PM
mollymae2002
mollymae2002  
Posts: 1002
Senior Member

im sorry to take you away from others alicia...

11/05/2011 11:24 AM
peasha
peasha  
Posts: 1374
VIP Member

No amy your doing just fine, I gotta figure out how to get more than just you to update to my phone cause you update with my emails and other things too since we talk all the time. Plus you need the support its been rough on you lately, a broken leg, concussion, near death experiences, and who knows what else!! Smile we are going to get you better for sure hun and I am always going to be here for you!!! Smile

11/06/2011 12:45 PM
mollymae2002
mollymae2002  
Posts: 1002
Senior Member

Thanks, I sure hope I can get better, I'm sick of this. I will need a lot of support though, I'm having a much better day spike all my emotiins and feelings, and what's going on.
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