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I never thought I'd find myself here


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06/18/2008 19:16
GibsonGirlNYC
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 I'm a 26 year old female who found myself cutting about 3 months ago. I haven't cut before (which I know doesn't fit the typical adolescent onset). I guess I just used different forms of coping then. However about 3 months ago my life fell apart. Everything I thought I had control over was ripped out from under me and someone I loved emotionally hurt me more than I have ever hurt. On top of that I have some other personal/lifestyle issues that isolate me from my family and friends and through all of this I had no one to turn to. I started hurting myself by just scratching myself in frustration until I bled. From there it became easier to use other means. I voluntarily checked myself into a psych ward about 1 month ago and since then have been in counseling. In addition to cutting I was drinking heavily which made the cutting more dangerous. I have done really well at not drinking...although I still have my nights, but it has been harder to not want to cut. I know what i'm doing is not the best way to cope and I know it's not fixing my problems, but I keep doing it. Part of me feels like it's the only way to control who or what is hurting me. It gives control of my hurt back to me. Therapy has helped some, but in actuality, I want to cut more after leaving there. Everything is so messed up. I know what the problems are, but I don't know how to fix them or how to cope in a better way. I've never been good at expressing emotions.
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06/18/2008 19:25
pixiedust430
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 Well you have come to a great place. I started very early. Did the docs give you meds or offer any help? It is good that you know there is a problem and are willing to change. Talking to people here can giv e you some peace comfort and belonging as well as great advice. Welcome I am one leader here and the other is attending a funeral etc and checks in as she can. Her name is storm
"I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it." Marilyn Monroe
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06/18/2008 20:29
GibsonGirlNYC
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 thanks...I'm hoping to find some support. Apart from my therpist I'm pretty much alone. I have been in the city for about 8 months but it's a tough place to make friends.

I couldn't get a med evaluation until July 7th. It seems everything takes so long. Not that I'm looking for a quick fix, but just some progress or at least some feeling of control over my emotions and actions. Tonight my roomate (hopefully for not much longer) who is also my ex (the breakup,among other things is part of the onset of cutting) found a razor blade in my room and freaked out. she knew i was cutting a month or so ago when I ended up in the hospital, but she thought I had stopped. She told me I was psycho and crazy and that she didn't want to be responsible for me (she isn't), and then she made me throw the blade away. I know it's good that I did, but I hate that she took that from me and that I didn't have a choice and that she thinks I'm psycho. I've supressed so much for so long and this really isn't like me. I don't want to be crazy an I don't want to hurt myself, but it just gets so overwhelming and I get so angry and frustrated and hurt and it's all I can think about.
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06/19/2008 08:52
pixiedust430
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 I understand. I have been through soooooooo much not much surprises me anymore I just click with what you're saying.
"I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it." Marilyn Monroe
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06/20/2008 04:54
foxyroxy1
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 welcome gibsongirl! I know how you feel about things taking so long. I made an appointment to see my old psychiatrist and am now considered a new patient because its been over a year since my last visit. I dont see him untill july 30ty and I made my appointment in may!

Hang in there!!!
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06/20/2008 09:02
GibsonGirlNYC
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 How does one get through this? How can I change? Is there any hope? How can I make this hurt/feelings stop. I can't handle it. Today is especially hard. It's only noon and I want to drink and cut. I haven't showered, I can't eat...i can hardly breathe. I have no one to talk to and I don't see my therapist until next wednesday. I don't want to be this way, but I can't make it stop. I wish I were on meds now because part of me hopes they will help, but I'm not and it seems like there is nothing that is helping. I have lost control and I've lost myself and I can't get back.
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06/20/2008 12:41
foxyroxy1
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 some days we just have to take it seconds at a time. I know I do right now. Have you tried AA? You can meet alot of people there too! We are here for you as much as possible. I myself cut yesterday. Things are so hard for me right now and I dont know how to let out my stress. I started walking again and thats helping a little.

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06/20/2008 12:48
GibsonGirlNYC
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 yeah, I haven't cut today which has been a challenge, but i know is good. I actually went to an AA meeting last night...however I'm on my way to drunk right now. I know why too. I 'm supposed to go to a concert with my ex tonight and the thought of going sober was too much. I should have said no, but part of me keeps thinking that I can be friends with her and that she will do or say something to stop the hurt that she has caused. That she will make everything okay.

AA was good. I'd so like to be there and succeed at being sober, but I can't today. It's too much.
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06/20/2008 13:34
foxyroxy1
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 tomorrow is a new day. Just because you have drank today doesnt meen you have to keep drinking today. I know thats hard though.
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06/22/2008 12:02
pixiedust430
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 Foxy is right. Always remember tomorrow is a new day. I am sorry I haven't respond to everyone as I have been busy with docs and prescriptions. I have also been a bit under the weather. It pours sometimes! Anyway hope you are well now. Talk to you tom.
"I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it." Marilyn Monroe
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