It's been a while since I've actually been on and around. I've had a lot going on it seems in a short amount of time - just the way my life always seems to work. It's either completely boring or totally overloaded!!
K, so here's the quick catch-up:
My husband ended up leaving the "other woman" a bit ago. He came home for his two week leave the beginning of June (omg, I can't believe it's only been a month ago!!) and I ended up saying that I couldn't make any promises about taking him back (he's been begging for forgiveness and for me to take him back) but that I would let him stay with me and we would just hang out like we used to and enjoy each other's company and have fun.
Well, it was like, the most perfect two weeks, ever! We went dancing and horseback riding and swimming and played pool, etc.
He left to go back overseas. Within five days of him leaving, I found out I was pregnant.
We weren't planning this, I had always needed fertility drugs every other time, I didn't think it would happen. No, I wasn't upset, I was thrilled. After trying to get pregnant the whole time we've been married (two miscarriages before this pregnancy), I can't help but be overjoyed.
Herein lies the problem. Last Monday, June 29th, I ended up in the ER with cramping and spotting. Yeah, I have been through this twice before, no, it doesn't make it any easier to handle. I had to go back to the doctor today to get more blood work done to see if it was a miscarriage for sure or not. Because of the long weekend, I won't find out until "maybe Monday".
I have therapy on Tuesday but, that seems so far away. Of course, the hope is that this isn't a miscarriage. I didn't bleed like I did the other two times and I wasn't cramping as badly as them either. My blood levels were where they were supposed to be but the ultrasound measured the sac (it's still too early for a heartbeat) as too small for where it should have been.
I don't know if I need support right now or someone to just be like, look, get over it. You knew it was a good possibility you were going to lose this one too, you shouldn't have gotten excited so early. I just feel so...useless and helpless. I want to cut and I want to get wasted. It's like, I can't cook, I can't have babies, what kind of life partner would ever want someone like that?
I feel nothing but hopelessness and desperation at this point...sorry so long, I just had to get it out...
~Ruby
"MDJunction to me is a life saver... when i first was diagnosed with Scheuermann's Disease i wrote a message to a page i found on google, hoping that they could help me.... you'd never know it but that weird feeling (you know that one where it feels like someone actually cares) came over me when i opened my email next day to find that someone on the other side of the world (at the American Medical Library)had read my message while i was sleeping, and there low and behold was the address to MDJunction.... well it is everything to me, i live it breathe it and love it!!!!! I have found many people who are struggling with similar issues banding together to help each other. It is the best place in the world, and i couldn't think of another place to go to meet so many lovely people....
