Self-Injury Support Group

I'm engaged to a wonderful loving man who would never hurt me, he does everything he knows to make me feel better and to help me. The problem is he doesn't know how and he's turning my desire to cut into something worse.

I know I cut often but I'm not, as he says I am, addicted to it. I get flashbacks and all I want is for just a few moments....for the pain to stop.

When my blood starts to flow I can forget about John, I can forget about all the horrible people who fucked me over.

He says he knows about hurting yourself and I know he does, he knows what its like to feel pain and want it to stop.

But for some strange reason this ex-cutter of mine can't understand that this is something I need to do for myself. When I'm ready to stop I will....I can't stop for anyone else.

When he forces me to stop it just gets worse...the need grows, the flashbacks come faster and I want to kill myself.

He's paranoid, controlling and really damned annoying over it.

If I pick up a knife to cut my chicken, he watches me like a hawk. If I get up to go to the bathroom or otherwise want alone time he gets suspicious and thinks I'm cutting.

If he finds anything overly sharp he hides it away from me.

And when I do manage to cut myself, he cuts himself an equal number of times. Which of all the 'helpful' things he does is probably the worst! It makes me feel like shit and just makes me want to kill myself.

I feel like I can't be trusted, that he's completely unwilling to trust me. And it just makes it worse..

Every day I have to remind myself that I have things to live for...that people do love me. I'm just starting to doubt his love for me.

I feel that if he really loved me he'd be willing to just hold me and support me. That he'd be willing to let me heal from this trauma on my own.

Instead I feel forced to fake progress. I feel that I have to hide my pain and my suffering from him, from everyone. Its safest to bury it deep inside.

I'm just scared, I know if I keep suppressing the need for release, if I keep suppressing the pain, its going to get in me too keep for anything to ever remove.

I don't want to die.

I just want to be allowed to heal at my own pace.

Just only seems one is possible and its not the one I want.

Wonder how long I can hold on for.....

Kaos-

I'm not very good at advice...I'm mostly just a listener... But, to me, it doesn't sound like your fiance really knows how to help you...have you tried talking to him about it? You said in the beginning, he would never do anything to hurt you but does he realize him cutting when you cut is hurting you worse than your own flashbacks, I would guess?

When I was engaged, my fiance used to tell me that if I cut, he'd snort coke. Not really the best way to get over things, it's just another excuse to hide it and not ask for help. At one point you called him an ex-cutter but it doesn't sound like there's very much "ex" about it... Are you seeing a therapist or anything?

It's true that you can't stop for anyone but do you want to stop for yourself? I mean, have you tried other coping skills or doing other things to release the pain? I'm very sorry you are going through this and I'm glad you found us online PM me anytime. I don't really have much of a life, so I'm on quite often!

**HUGS**

~Ruby

P.S. Try not to let him watching you like a hawk get on your nerves. It's an annoyance, sure but it's something that I think every loved one of a cutter does. It comes with the territory, so to speak

He needs to know that he is perpetuating the situation. He's feeding the flame. I understand his reasons but its not working. I agree with Jewel. He doesn't sound like an "ex" to me either.

Stick to the facts, his actions are making your urges worse. Tell me how to properly help you. If he doesn't like it, that is his problem. This is about you, not about him.

Keep us posted, we'll be here if you need us.

I agree that he needs to understand how much harm he is doing. Maybe you can ask him what he is so afraid when you cut if he knows you are not sucidial? My husband knows I cut and he doesn't like it but he knows that I would never leave him or our son. We talk about it and then he holds me. I cut less because of his support. Is it possible that he is using your cutting as an excuse to cut himself? Is he insecure in the relationship for some reason or have issues he may not have dealth with? Feel free to PM me anytime.

hannah