Self-Injury Support Group

Hi everyone and welcome to all the new members we have gained since my last visit. I apologize for being awol for so long but it's been a rough month for me. I lost my grandmother a couple weeks ago and have been having trouble with my job. Been struggling with depression and urges so next thing I know I've been gone almost an entire month without posting. It's amazing how much time you lose when you are battling through the urges of SI and the depression that accompanies it. So here I am again still clean and feeling better about life for the moment and wondering how my fellow group members have been dating while I've been gone.

So how is everybody doing? Updates anyone would like to share good or bad is fine?

Hello Peasha, I am sort of new. Been coming here on and off for about a year. Do not post much but read regularly. Recently I have been traveling more and I am finding that I have less urges when I return home after a trip. I was gone this weekend and I had a full day without thinking about it. Celebrate the small things.

Celebrate the small things. I will have to remember that.

Hey. I've been on and off for a few years now. I completely agree with your statement: "It's amazing how much time you lose when you are battling through the urges of SI and the depression that accompanies it." Anyway, update for me...hmm. Just got out of residential tx again, which is good. Living on my own for the first time, really. 54 days today no s-h! Pretty crazy. Almost lost it today, but I held up somehow. Been struggling a lot more recently since the death of a friend (she was only 18) about two weeks ago. So I'm having some struggles...that might be an understatement...but I've been managing reasonably effectively so far. I came on here again looking for some more support. Thanks for your post. It feels nice to let some things out. Love to all.

Just reread my posting and realized I had an auto correct moment on my phone. I meant to ask how you were all doing not dating granted if you want to talk about it I'll listen but if anything wierd like that pops up in my posts it's cause my phone decided I ment something else when I didn't. Kinda funny sounding after reading it though, figure you could all use a laugh so I just left it rather than edit it out

LOL Peasha! That's okay. I had a good laugh. I tend to over-edit, I'm glad you have more capacity to laugh at the funny things you do. I need to learn to do that.

Hmm..I've been avoiding coming into this room because I've been very bad to myself lately, to put it mildly. And I didn't want to post anything negative whether it's a rant because I don't want to pull anyone down.

I've been hesitant to come also because I've been trying to deny (for quite a few months now at least 4)that I'm engaging in a self-harming marathon. I keep deluding myself and making myself belief that I'm in control and I am able to manage my addiction to pain. I am finally admitting to myself that I like to lie to myself occasionally and I still like to avoid whatever is causing my pain, discomfort, stress, etc.

Lately, I've been listening to Pink's "Perfect" (God, I would love to see her in concert!) and that song is helping me to pull out of this mess that I chose to get myself into. I'm slowly becoming more mindful about what I'm perseverating on and what I am doing. The words, "You're so mean when you talk about yourself you were wrong. Change those voices in your head make them like you instead" is my regular mantra this past two weeks.

Some days I feel like I'm hanging in there by a thread. Some days I actually feel like I'm close to the light at the end of this particular dark tunnel, this episode anyway. And I'm starting to realize the same things I did and some of the ways I've coped with depression, I need to start doing when I deal with my anxiety, my nervous energy and my compulsion to skin-pick. If I practice mindfulness, if I make it a priority to manage my thoughts and my emotions, if I become adamant on doing everything else under the sun that is healthy and positive before I engage and indulge in self-harm, I know I can manage this horrible behavior, this horrible habit. And I can change, I just need to re-commit to it.

I've done it before. I probably will never be free from the temptation to hurt myself or take my anger out on myself. Nevertheless, the desire, the want, the hunger, and the compulsion to self-harm may be always present yet I don't ever have to give in to it. After watching "It's a Beautiful Mind," I certainly came to the conclusion that I may have delusions, but I don't have to feed it or entertain them. I can choose not to self-harm even when I want to. I will just have to tell myself what to do and be stubborn about it more than my body and mind when it says "I need to do this." I don't need to self-harm, I only think I do. Change my thoughts, change my feelings, eventually, I will change my behavior!

I used to think if only I had one friend in this world, I'll be okay. It wasn't until in the recent five years that the possibility that I might have aspergers was brought to my attention. No wonder I don't understand jokes, or pick up on social cues. No wonder everything I get myself into I approach it from a textbook-like concept. No wonder I esteem logical reasoning over emotions, sometimes I can be so cold and stoic. Unfortunately, not being able to maneuver social settings very well does a lot to make people not want to be my friend. I'm that nice and honest person that people think is too tackless and self-absorbed. Even when I'm trying hard not to appear that way.

Anyway, I'm still learning to make friends and I have to remind myself not to constantly label people in my life (you're maybe a good friend, you're maybe an acquaintance...). I am still on the quest to love myself unconditionally and be my own friend. That will solve my friendship worries, I can step into the role of being my own best friend.

Besides, when push comes to shove, the opinions of other people do matter and they are important. But what I say about myself, how I see me and how I feel about myself is far more important, significant and matters quite a lot more. And I'm with myself 24/7 so I can always have someone on my side, someone constantly supportive and loving - and that's me. Hmmm...I still need to remind myself of it, most days. I'm trying to be better at it though.

Post edited by: AsianGoddess, at: 07/17/2012 07:47 PM

It is not funny. Today, I decided to bring out my table loom to try to learn to weave. I still have not figured it out. And I found myself picking for like 2 seconds because when I started doing it, I stopped myself quickly. And I was like, "you are frustrated because you can't understand the instructions, really? And that is enough to bring you to the brink of feeling helpless and stupid that you had to take out your anger on yourself?" I mean really? There are people starving. There are people fighting wars and dying everyday. Unemployment is high and people are losing their jobs left and right. And I entertain self-harm because I cannot seem to pick up weaving the first time around.

Anyway, I'm getting closer. I've been watching you tube videos. For my particular loom, there is no video for it but I'm learning the concept based on other similar table looms. I'll get it eventually. And if I don't, I can go to my knitting group next Thursday. Somebody would know how to use this contraption. There is always someone in that group that knows more than I do.

Today, my partner brought her class to our house for a pool party. She teaches at a school for emotionally disturbed children. The class she works with are mostly autistic and often she has a class of four aspie middle-schoolers.

Anyway, she has a kid in class who I will call B. He is terrified of everything, including his shadow. For a long time, he will not speak to you. He will when he eventually gets to know you better and feels safe around you, but it may never happen throughout the school year. He would not go inside the pool, and he kept saying, "I scared, I scared, I scared, I scared." It took my partner, myself and a para to force him into the pool with a donut around him. He was in tears, screaming bloody murder. My partner jumped into the pool with him and in a few minutes, he was playing with the other kids. You could hear his laughter two houses away!

Change is always hard. And it can be very scary. But there is always hope that will can have positive changes in our life.

Not picking up weaving is not a life and death crisis situation. WOOSAH! There's more videos online! LOL If B can enjoy the pool inspite of his fears and insecurities, I can enjoy the fact that I don't know everything. And just enjoy the process.

The other day, I started to hurt myself because I was watching the show "Project Runway." For some particular reason, my feelings of insecurity about how I present myself and how I look started to come up. And it triggered a self-harming episode. Didn't last very long maybe 10-15 minutes. But at least, I learned the reason behind my actions. I'm in a better place because of that knowledge.

The day after that, I started to skin pick for no reason whatsoever. I was watching tv and that was it. This episode lasted longer, perhaps 30 minutes to an hour. But I am also in a better state of being because this reminded me that I don't need to think about anything painful to cause me to give in to my urges.

So I still have the same reasons why I self-harm. I feel overwhemed with feelings of fear, insecurity, failure and boredom. Now that I'm reminded again of these realities, what will I do about it?

Anyway, as crazy as my weekend was, I didn't hurt myself. I didn't even think about it. But I know the weekend affected me so I'm trying to deal with the pain so that I don't take it out on myself. So, I'm happy to report that I'm still in a better frame of mind and state of being.