I've been thinking a lot lately about my struggles with depression. I realized that I have come very far since I first realized what depression was doing to my quality of life. I am certainly not where I want to be and I've grown a lot and still have a lot of growing up to do. But I'm thankful that I did not become stagnant. I have a long ways to go and each day, I'm getting closer and closer to where I want to be.
This got me thinking about depression whether it is a disease or a choice. For years, I struggled with depression and had no idea why I was struggling and what was causing all my suffering. When I reached 30, I finally had a diagnosis! I had a mental disease, these are the symptoms that affect my quality of life and here are ways to cope with it. And for me, that was a life saver! I was not responsible for my feelings. Nobody was. My depression was an illness that could be alleviated with therapy (cognitive or otherwise) and prescription drugs. I can also use a change in my lifestyle like staying away from too much sugar, too much caffeine, getting more Vitamin D from the sun, starting an exercise routine, etc. Whoohoo! I am on my way to recovery now!
After 10 years of hard work, I feel like my depression is manageable. Unfortunately, it is still there. Depression is always with me whereever I go and whatever I do. After going through a lot of cognitive therapy and reading "The Feeling Good Handbook" by Dr. David Burns, I realized something. I definitely have a pre-disposition to depression. Biologically, I do need prescription drugs to help balance my moods and help me feel calm and relaxed. All the change in lifestyle that I'm tried to incorporate in my life have helped tremendously in keeping depression at bay. But all the therapy, change in lifestyle and prescription drugs in the world cannot completely cure me of my depression. The depression still lingers in the background, always.
But what if? What if, depression starts out as a chemical imbalance or a biological pre-disposition? And based on the choices we make about what we obsess/perseverate about, based on the choices we make and the way we act, based on how emotionally/mentally stable we are, how we interpret events and people in our life, how loving or mean we are when we talk to ourselves - when we don't deal with all these feelings and emotions, maybe then it mimics a disease that becomes unmanageable?
I know that I cannot control the thoughts, the words and the actions of other people. But I can choose to control my thoughts,my words and my actions. I can choose to make decisions that will make my life better like staying off alcohol, drugs, having a good work ethic so I will always have a job, go to college, etc. I can choose to change the way I see the world from being half-empty to half-full. I can choose how I will pro-actively handle situations and people in my life by taking my life seriously and thinking things through instead of being led only by my emotions and react to circumstances and people all the time.
Anyway, I still haven't made my conclusions yet. But I am starting to think that maybe depression affects me and I may not always have any control over it. Or perhaps sometimes I can choose to be happy and make positive decisions in my life instead.
Anyway, if this is true for depression, could it be true for self-harm as well?
