Self-Injury Support Group

No matter how much I say all of that I too fall victim to the evil clutches of my psych and fall back into patterns of habit even after 5 years of bieng clean.

A few days ago I had a massive fall out with my older brother about how lazy I am and the things that need done here at my mothers house (mostly household chores). I told him that I really didn't want to talk about his goals for my moms home because I just got off work was having a bad day at work and am trying to work on MY family problems as well.

As an update on that I am married with 2 children 6 & 3 that is living with my mom because we are too broke to afford our own place. This puts stress on the marriage cause we are all in a crowded little room trying to make the best of life. Imaging how hard that is for a marriage. Its tough enough that I never see my family cause of work then I have my work stress with a co-worker fighting with me in front of the student body (we are at a job corp center) that we are supposed to be role models too.

So that is a summary of what has been going on before my lovely older brother who is also living with us and mom decides to have a talk with the family. Well he picked a wrong day for me so me being strong willed told him I didn't feel like having a sit down chat with anyone about house work because right now mentally I can only take soo much before its all overboard. Rather than being ok with that he flipped out on me. (Oh yeah I forgot to mention that he is a raging alcoholic that had kept me up AAALLLL night the day before talking to me about the SAME crap he decided to talk about AGAIN SOBER.) I got upset yelled at my mother what I don't remember and went to go to my room and ended up punching a hole in the wall because I was so frustrated, angry and trying not to slip into old habits once again. Then after sitting in my room for a few minutes to calm down I here him raging at my mother about how horrible I am which hits my emotional state even harder. So I walked out there and yelled at him went into the kitchen grabbed a knife and walked back to the bedroom to do what I usually do when the world spins out of control. Don't really understand how auto pilot took over but it did. And there I was about ready to make the first swipe when my husband came running back to the bedroom and yelled NO.

Him yelling at me startled me just enough for him to grab my knife and tell me that I didn't want to do this. He then got up and put the knife away like nothing happend. It was almost like a dream that I woke up from looking back down at my arms stunned that I allowed myself to get so worked up that I could ever fall back into that pattern again. After 5yrs I actually came close to relapsing.... Its a hard thing to swallow and admit, but I too after 5 years can fall back into my old coping habits and try to injure again after soooo long. I am just glad that I have a husband that is supportive and doesn't freak out if I do something like that. He really showed me what support is......