Self-Injury Support Group

I feel like a failure. Im a senior in college and I recently went home for part of spring break. My mom comes in, and precedes to tell me about how she's worried that I still need therapy do deal with the rape that happened two years ago, and she's worried about my career path because I want to travel a lot and do work with NGO's and stuff like that. I applied for the Peace Corps and was nominated to teach English is sub-saharan africa. which is awesome, except that they want all your medical information and I was stupid and said that I had gone to therapy for anxiety and then they wanted more info and my therapist at the time wrote "single incident trauma" and now they want to know exactly what that trauma is and chances are, if i tell them, they won't give me an formal invitation because they'll think I'm crazy. Moving on, I had therapy today, and my current therapist (who i generally do really like), said that she was concerned about me doing peace corps if i get it, because she doesn't think I'm mentally/emotionally ready to go because i have a lot of issues with confrontation (i.e. I avoid it at all costs even putting myself at risk), and setting boundaries and expressing my emotional needs, which i have gotten so much better at. but she doesn't think I'm ready. I also applied for teach for america, got into a final interview, but now i feel like the pressure is on because if i don't get this than i have no idea what I'm doing after graduation. my therapist and i talked through a bunch of different options which sounds all fine and dandy in the comfort of a office but now I'm freaking out. i feel like I've failed at therapy because I'm not getting better, i failed in general because peace corps was something I've wanted to do since high school, i feel like I've failed my parents because I'm so messed up. my boyfriend hasn't talked to me in 2.5 weeks which is a whole other issue but i feel like i failed in that. i just am not in a good place and i feel like if i failed in everything else why not just cut again even though its almost a year since i haven't. ugh. i don't know what to do. I'm just so tired of fighting. i just really need to talk/vent i guess.

Being in a time of life where all you have are options and have to wait for one of them to decide is hard. Trust me. If you are like me, any of them can decide yes or no but you don't know if you will get any,all, or none.

You haven't failed. You are the only one who can judge when you are doing well and ready to leave therapy.

Thanks. I was just feeling really overwhelmed last night and was really close to rationalizing my way to cutting. But I called one of my friends who knows and she helped me through it. Nights are always really bad for me, its the time when I'm not running around and my brain starts working overtime and I over think everything. It was just a really bad night.

Hi! I'm sorry you are feeling this way. This is a horrible and terrible feeling to have. And I can relate.

Perhaps, the reason your therapist expressed concern is the same reason my therapist expressed concern when I said maybe I want to get into the psychology field. She told me she was afraid that I haven't completely dealt with all my fears, insecurities, and trauma/s in my life that if I took up psychology (which I will probably excel in school) and start working in that field, it might trigger and bring up my issues. I talked to her and we've come to a conclusion that my heart is in the right place, it is always a wonderful vision to help others. But I can't help others when I'm hurting myself. I can't be effective in the long term when I am dealing with issues that other people might be dealing with also. I can't help them effectively when I'm so broken emotionally and mentally if not more than the people I want to help.

My partner works with emotionally disturbed children and also children with conduct disorder. In her 10 years of teaching, she says that when positive changes start to happen, it gets worse before it gets better. And that makes sense because often times, we hurt ourselves and we fall into a trance-like moment. But when we become aware of this terrible habit, we realize how badly we treat ourselves and the pressure to stop plus the inability to do so becomes exaggerated in our minds simply because we became self-aware.

Healing is a long process for most people, I think. It definitely has been for me. And you're right, over-thinking is not helping your emotional/psychological state.

I would suggest really taking a look at the face of self-hurting. See it for the monster and tyrant it is. Commit to walking away from self-harming no matter how you feel and what your situation is. Do not give yourself an excuse or rationalize this horrible destructive habit. And then come up with a concrete plan. What will you do as a replacement behavior? Talk about your feelings to a loved one? Take up a hobby when you feel like self-harming like gardening, crocheting, art, etc? Write a journal? Make an emergency appointment with your therapist?

When I self-harm, I entertain this thought in my head which is a false statement. There is nothing I can do to alleviate how I feel (handle the stress) besides self-harming. This is not true. It was not until I started disbelieving this delusion that I started to feel free to deal with my stress and my fears/insecurities differently. When I started to affirm this new thought and kept on with positive self-talk with myself, I started to feel differently about self-harm. I began to see it as a horrible "demon" or habit that is destroying my life instead of helping me constructively even if that's how I felt when I engage in it. Then, even when I felt that way, I kept telling myself that negative thought and feeling is a lie no matter how good it feels like at that time. And I hold on to the truth that I can deal with my stress, problems, insecurities and fears in healthier ways like prayer, meditation, hanging out with friends, taking up a hobby, exercise, writing a journal, talking to my therapist, etc.

As I changed the way I thought and refuse to entertain/perseverate on self-harming thoughts as a way to solve my stress, pain, insecurity, fears, problems, etc., I changed how I felt about this habit. And I began to be inspired to change and reach out to healthier methods in dealing with life. And thus, changing my behavior slowly, one day at a time.

You can do this. We always have hope even when it doesn't feel that way. Don't give up on yourself. I think you are closer to making a positive change in your life, it just doesn't feel that way.

Have a better week!

Thanks Asian Goddess I am definitely having a better week! I talked to my therapist today about it some more, and its hard because for so long there has been this pressure on me from my friends and my parents and myself to do well and "make something of myself" whatever that means and to be the best and to do something big and meaningful. Which is all great but its hard to let go of something that I thought I wanted to do and was going to do for so long. My therapist thinks that I can do it, and she said she would support me with any decision which is nice and we talked about how I was angry and stuff. I'm so close to almost making it a year without cutting, which is so exciting but sometimes it is just so hard and I am so good at rationalizing it as an option which is bad. I do try and distract myself/do other things like watch funny tv shows or read. It just frustrates me that its almost been a year and its still so prevalent in my life.

I get what you're saying, and totally can relate. My Asperger tendencies come out often and I usually perseverate on a thought or way of doing things can have trouble when I get off track or when I can't do it the way I understand or believe it should happen. I'm fond of routines, schedules, deadlines, things should be done a certain way all the time, etc. I'm learning and trying to be flexible but it's so hard for me. I like being set in my ways because rules are easier to work with and chaos it just difficult to manage for me. But I'm trying to change and trying to adjust to life as it comes and not be so "stuck" in routines and anal about it.

Take comfort that your opinion about how successful you are is what counts. What other people think is important and significant. Their opinions aren't necessary bad or that you should just not hear them out/listen to them. But ultimately, what makes you happy is what you decide will make you happy and fulfilled.

Everything in life is about interpretation and perception. If you find there is nothing in your life that you should change and you are happy/fulfilled, don't change anything. Never make changes in your life primarily to please other people. Do it for yourself and your own happiness. Otherwise, you will fail in trying to make those changes or you won't be happy with how your life is going.

Congratulations on being able to manage your self-harming habit for almost a year! You should be proud of yourself! Good job! Whoohoooo! I think , for us who have opened the pandora box or eaten the forbidden fruit so to speak with regards to self-harming destructive behavior, might have a stronger pull towards it and the temptation to see it as an option will always exist.

Life is not about having no problems, stress, conflict, etc. You are struggling against this horrible and terrible habit, this tyrant that seeks to bring destruction/havoc and make you hurt and cause yourself suffering and pain. Our struggle is not an easy feat and recovery is like any other addic tion, it's one day at a time.

You are doing good. You are in a better place for even struggling. Even if you're not making much progress in eliminating self-harming behavior in your life, the very fact that you are self-aware that it is destructive and you are trying to stop is a huge step in the right direction. Even if you're only thinking about it, that is huge in of itself.

Change is hard. Life is hard. When we think about things, our thought creates a neuron pathway that helps us to facilitate that action, that habit. When we start thinking differently in the opposite direction, our brain will struggle against it because it's like a computer that is programmed in one way to deal with life. But the longer we struggle against old ways of thinking and behavior, our brain will eventually get the idea that we want to change and we are committed to it. Our brain will then kill off the neuron pathway to the old way of thinking/reasoning and old habit/negative behavior and then create a new neuron pathway that will facilitate that new action, that new habit, that new way of dealing with life. This takes time.

But don't give up! You are so close to making a U-turn, to turning the corner. As long as there is life, there is hope. And we, we including you, deserve happiness, peace of mind/heart/soul and healing! It's just a process, be patient and you'll see more positive and bigger results each day. I am excited for you!

Do share with us the life lessons you've learned along the way. I love learning from others and you have a lot to share once this personal journey plays out for you. Who knows? You might come up with something new that I've never thought of that would help me in my own journey.

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. They have really helped the past few days, in good news, its been an entire year since I cut!!! Not that I haven't done some other SI behaviors but no cutting, which (I think) is pretty awesome This is gonna sound really corny, but I found some old string from when I was a camp counselor years ago and I ended up making myself two friendship bracelets that I put on my wrists. Im gonna use them as a reminder when I want to cut that I should be kind to myself and as a reminder of how far I've come. IDK if its going to work but I'm gonna try to make it work. I do feel like I have a lot more hope now, and I am trying to reprogram my brain. I don't know how long this feeling will last, but for now, I am happy and excited and proud and I feel like I can get through this!

Hey, do whatever it takes to help you from engaging in self-harm. I tell my son that if he says he doesn't believe in Santa or the Tooth Fairy, he won't get anything from them anymore. If I have to write him a letter coming from Santa, to get him to behave in school and at home, heck, yeah I will do that! If I can use the delusion of Santa and the Tooth Fairy to get him to do his best in school, at home, and brush his teeth - I will do it. I think it's great to use our own delusions/distorted thinking to result in a positive outcome in our life. I use trickery a lot. I use to tell myself, I will not care if I self-harm the whole day except for this one hour. Then when the hour is up, I move that belief and self-control to the next hour. Pretty soon, I was not engaging in self-harm but I don't overwhelm and pressure myself either. For me, it helps. If you think a friendship bracelet, which is a great symbol of showing that you love yourself, go for it. Make yourself the most beautiful bracelet!

Great job! Remember, life isn't about not smelling the roses all the time devoid of stress, problems, issues, conflicts, etc. in life. We will always face these things in our life with different people and circumstances. Life is about how we deal with them and what we do to become better people and overcoming obstacles in our life. You are doing awesome!