Yea, just what the title says. I have gone a while without it, but I realize, that really, I was just dealing with other things, I am wise when it comes to what is going on inside myself, but I feel like I’m a stranger lately. I don’t know myself. I keep wondering when I will return, if that makes sense.
i feel so fucked up in the head. And when I was at work today, I asked my co-worker if they had any weed, I wanted to smoke so bad, which was a weird feeling because I don’t smoke. I don’t even know where to begin with what is going on, and I think that is a part of it. no one person other then myself knows the entire story of what has happened to me in the last lets say 5 years. And it is killing me, almost literally. I need to get it all off my chest, but I feel like it would take a year to explain it all. And I feel like no one has that kind of time, I don’t have that kind of time. For the last two days, I have been almost on the brink of cutting. I can feel it on my arm, it is begging to be opened...itching almost. That is what I mean when I say vertigo. The craving is to the point of almost doing the act, it is when I am getting ready, either mentally of physically, to hurt myself, or drink, or purge, whatever vice I may be using.
Hmm, well what I was talking about is that I am tired of being alone, of being the only one that knows, but I just don’t have enough energy to explain it all, there is too much! Every time I try, I start saying one story line, like my depression, but that branches off into like 5 different story lines, and I just don’t know how to tell my tale without confusing the reader! And...It’s just fucking hard! I cant take this anymore, I cant take how helpless I feel, how scared I am that the past will come back, how petrified I am that my ex girlfriend is going to show up again, how worried I am that I am going to drink again, how worried I am that I am going to crack under the pressures of everyday, and how fucked up I feel because nothing will make me head stop spinning, cutting made it stop for a moment, made my pressure lessen, released the tension. And I feel as if I am on the brink of insanity.
I tried so hard to be together, for my family, my sister, for all those I hurt with my drinking, and cutting...I tried to make amends through my sobriety, and my abstinence of self harm, but it is not working anymore, I feel, what is the point of sacrificing my sanity to ease others? Just nothing makes sense anymore; I have all the answers for everyone but myself. I have the fancy words, the logical solutions, the rational ideas, but when it comes to myself, its as if it all flys out he window, and I feel so lost inside myself. Trapped in my head. I feel like I am screaming at the top of my lungs, but know one can hear it, they don’t hear my pain, they cant see that I need help, and that is my fault.
I feel like a fucking nut!!! I don’t know what to do!
There is too much that I have to remember, too much that has to be said for anyone to understand, and I am not just making something huge out of one thing, it is 5 years of just one thing after another after another...from a full blown addiction to hurting myself, to not eating, to drinking, to death, to depression, to abandonment, to pain, from one abusive relationship to another emotionally traumatizing relationship its just too much, one girl was not meant to handle this much stuff. And IM TIRED! I just cant do it, with everything all at once, there is no way to deal with one issue without having another take its place, I stopped hurting myself after 7 1/2 months in a Utah rehab/treatment center, only to come home to drink, then I stop drinking, and I continue with my habit of taking 6 Advil at a time, its like it never ends! And if I’m not popping painkillers! I’m fucking throwing up the food I’m NOT eating!!!
It’s fucking ridiculous!!!
I just cant...I don’t know what to do anymore,
I think that I am going to write this as diary post. Just so I have it there, easily accessible for me to re-read...later.
Fuck...I don’t know what is going to happen know. I guess I am dissociating now, too much pain, I’m fucking checking out! It’s the only way to live through another night.
Damn, now I just feel stupid for writing all of this, I don’t even know why. Like I am sharing too much information with others, this is all my secrets, things no one can know of understand, my secret hell that I live everyday. That I even deny myself sometimes, trying to trick myself into believing that I am ok. But I’m not; I’m really not ok. And I am tired of pretending that I am.
Post edited by: TruNature101, at: 01/24/2009 00:42
